Pluto Conjunct Capricorn Full Moon
Grandma fell out of bed yesterday.
It was about 2 in the morning and she was shuffling back to the side of her bed where she has a plastic step stool and some removable hand rails. She didn’t make it to the side of the bed because her next memory is being on the floor. She began to bang on the wall for my grandpa to wake up and help her. He certainly couldn’t have gotten up very quickly, but he did eventually make it to her and helped her get the blood cleaned up from a scratch on her arm. She was also bruised all over her legs and arms. A visit to the clinic didn’t turn up any broken bones, she’s just exhausted and unable to do her normal tasks.
This has led us to having to start seriously having ‘the talk’. When I first moved in to my grandparents backyard, they were not doing great but they were not doing nearly as badly. That’s just how time treats us. My grandparents are celebrating their 82 birthdays over the next couple of weeks. I don’t know what that age means to you (the reader) but for me, it looks absolutely miserable. There is a level of embarrassment that both of my grandparents are experiencing that they don’t feel comfortable expressing. They feel worthless, disgusting, and defeated. Even considering going to a nursing home has my grandmother talking like its the end of the road.
Its just the beginning of the actual conversation. A conversation that will span weeks, months, maybe years. There is no rushing this one. This one is tender and heartfelt. Grandma knows that grandpa is not capable of caring for himself, so her leaving the house would mean that it was only a matter of time before grandpa would have to go too. I think she worries that his dementia would make a transition like that extremely detrimental to his mental health. Even going on vacation has become a nightmare because he doesn’t do well away from the house. He gets frustrated very easily and sometimes he gets lost, but he refuses to admit he’s at the point of needing to be cared for. He blames the cans of soup for being ‘difficult to open’ rather than admitting he hardly has the dexterity left to pop the tab.
Grandpa seems to expect that he will be taken care of by my mom and me. For a while, I saw that as my duty. I no longer do and it is also not my mom’s. When it comes to raising children, you’ll often hear people say “it takes a village”. To look after elders these days, it quite literally takes a fully staffed medical facility. That, in itself, presents to me as a problem, but its also not an expectation that my mom and I have any business trying to live up to. We have our own lives to live. Grandpa set himself up to not be able to care for himself. He worked on projects that involved heavy lifting and exhausting tasks. Then would go in the house and expect to be cared for by my grandma. Surely he thought he deserved to be praised as payment for all of his hard work.
We have to care for ourselves first. We cannot expect people to take care of us. Moreover, there’s no need to rush through life. Grandpa lived life in the fast lane and now he sits and slowly melts in his recliner watching reruns of westerns. Frankly, he hasn’t aged well, and he constantly reminds me that he is only fifty years older than me. It annoys me to no end that he thinks we are all so lucky to make it as far as he has. Of course, I find that same assertion within myself somewhere deep down which is the reason I see it in him. “I won’t be wasting my time like you, old fuck”, I think but dare not say. I do imagine myself being old and still stretching, still meditating, maybe even I’ll still be writing. Then I notice how presumptive that is to even assume I’d make it so far and with my mind all in one piece.
Getting old seems painfully sobering. You spend your whole life peeking around the corners, expecting Death to come for you at any time, but then when you get into your 80s you are left wondering if Death forgot about you. You continue, begrudgingly, feeling as though none of the information that you have is useful to anyone anymore. All of your knowledge seems outdated and plus you can hardly think quickly enough to keep up with whats being said, much less add any of your own wisdom. The kids just come and take from you the tangible, physical goodies you can provide, but hardly stay long enough to spend time with you. They have more important things to do, so what does that meant to say about you then?
The approaching full moon in Capricorn is asking us where we are acting out of love and where is that blurring the line of manipulation. The moon will be in Capricorn and conjunct Pluto. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, the planet of restriction and separation, that manifests in conversations around all things old and cold. Pluto is associated with themes of transformation, such as death and rebirth, resurfacing of things that were buried, and things being revealed to us. As the moon is transiting this position and this conjunction, we may notice where these themes become identifiable as archetypes in our own lives.
The full moon will take place in my 8th House which is to do with: taxes, debts, inheritance, and other peoples’ money. I’m sure these topics will be up for discussion as my grandparents do consider what their next phase of life looks like. This lunation seems to be incredibly important for me because it is in conjunction with my natal north node. Everyone has a natal north node in their chart, and depending on the birth data, it will fall in one area of life. This mathematical point is believed to represent the path toward soul ascension. It shows us the archetypal model that helps us to grow spiritually. With North Node in Capricorn and the Full Moon taking place here conjunct Pluto, I expect this to be incredibly deep and transformational. I almost expect it to hurt but in a way similar to the post workout muscle recovery.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa