At a Crossings

Where was I before you found me

Lying naked on the floor?

I was Bound and broken by the world

And my own choices

And things out of my control.

I grew to love the chains that broke my shallow flesh;

The very same ones that revealed the worst in me.

I’d look in the mirror and see damnation,

The weight of a thousand generations of sin.

I could feel it all weighing down the bags beneath my eyes

And the muscle holding up my frown

Like it was the jewel on my crown.

It didn’t matter that He wore a crown of thorns

To take the weight away -

It was easier to hate me than to let Him love the pain away.

When I stared into the stars at your creation.

There was no way I could deny who you are.

I just didn’t want to accept the cost

It took to follow you.

And in my prideful arrogance I denied the truth you speak to all your children.

You say that I am loved and that I’m perfect in your sight,

And that I am more than I could ever even see —

But instead of coming to love the man you all see

I chose in my prideful arrogance

That I knew more than the almighty

And that I was a hateful, unloved, atrocious, and unworthy being —

And that’s the cross that I chose to bear.

And you would try to break through the bedrock.

But I kept hardening my spirit to your love -

And the devil welled up from Florida

And rained down on my soul

And in the plains that Lincoln walked

I cemented my foundation of shame.

I find it ironic I gave up until I came to a place

That rhymes with misery -

And it’s here in Missouri

That I came to learn that we

Are more than what our pain speaks

We’re more than the springing leaks

That tear us up inside.

And it’s through those cracks in our armor

That God’s light can finally shine through.

The truth is that I hope to someday

Stand before you God,

And I hope you will tell me in this life

That I went through was worth it.

I hope to see the fruit of your love in me

Spread from north to south

And east to west

And everywhere in between

Because I want to leave something worth missing.

I want my Legacy to be more than

The pain I felt inside.

And I know that you want more for me too.

Open up our eyes and hearts

And show us what you do.

Mend our broken pieces and free us all to

Be the people you’ve called us out of the muck to be.

Then maybe someday all the world will see.

And as I leave this land and cross over the river

May I leave the old me behind in that grave

That grave not too far away from the crooked tree

The cradle of my salvation

Where I learned for the first time who you are

And who I am.

Oh God,

And please never let me forget who I am.