I Will Fight Because of You
Recently a class-mate from my high-school killed themselves. The class of 2011 is short one more graduate. One more voice has been silenced. One more person gone.
It’s hard — because I’ve been there. Not in it’s entirety. I know things are always more complicated than they appear on the surface, but it’s hard looking in and seeing yourself in someone that has passed.
I don’t want this to be about me, it can’t be. There has to be some context though. I looked at M’s casket and saw myself laying in their place.
You see, I’ve had some pretty dark thoughts. I hated myself. I hated the skin I was born in. I hated God for making me the way that I am, for the longest time. I hated my name, Devin Mitchell. Too close to Devin Michelle. Too close to “I am the girl I should have been born as.”
My situation wasn’t exactly the same, but looking at M — it made my blood boil. I cried. The first time I’ve ever cried at a visitation. The first time I’ve ever cried because someone had passed.
I barely knew you. M, it pains me to know that I didn’t have a chance to talk to you. I wish I could have shared my story with you. I wish that we could have been closer friends. You were never cruel to me even though some of your friends were.
I can’t believe you’re gone. I’ve prayed consistently to not let myself ever come to believe it was my fault. Though, it’s hard not to be upset that I heard about what you were going through, and never decided to reach out to you. I never once sent you a message saying, “I understand your struggle.”
We can’t save people, we can only love people. I didn’t have a chance to love you the way that I should have; but I don’t want this to be the end. There are more people like us out there who need to know the truth.
This pain inside of us, it kills. It can be fought, and some days I lose. I can’t give up though. There’s too many people watching. Too many people at stake. I pray that when the next one comes my way, I’m ready. That I’ve given it all up and I let Him speak through me.
I can’t see anymore of my friends die. If I see anymore die. I’ll just think of you.
I will fight because of you.
