Nobody Likes You When You’re Twenty-Three

It’s funny how much that’s not the case. I know my younger self is surprised at how my life has turned up. I know he didn’t expect it to be like this.

Devin Durbin in his brooding natural habitat at about 13/14 years old. He was already so into selfies.

I grew up a scene weenie emo punk kid.I spent a good portion of my life listening to songs about abandonment, depression, gushy woe is me love songs, loneliness, and songs about not fitting in.

I read books about heroes who saved the world. I imagined myself on different worlds, as different people. I played video games where I could live out the lives of other people. I escaped the reality that I had for one that was fictional.

I lived in a world where my feelings were beyond my eyesight.

Ten years ago, it was my dream to make it to the age of 23. I really felt that my life would like that of “What’s my Age Again” by Blink-182. I imagined myself being a rock-star, or a novelist by this point in my life.

My friends and I all came from broken homes. Some were more broken than others. Some of us had alcoholic parents. Other’s had parents who lived half-way across the country. Some had parents who had money, but were too busy working to really be there. Most of us though were children of divorce.

We all kind of made this little tiny family where we all were there for each other. It was dysfunctional, but that’s what dysfunction does, it breeds dysfunction.

The truth is we didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t all bad. As I’ve gotten older and taken classes like “Healing is a Choice”, written letters, talked to people, prayed, and gotten to know God. He’s given me peace and shown me that my childhood wasn’t as awful as I made it out to be.

That doesn’t lessen the things that I felt, but the point here is that in spite of the road that I went down. Even with friends that I don’t keep in contact with anymore. No matter everything that I’ve experienced. My life has been irrevocably changed.

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8 NIV

I’ve written frequently about my struggles with gender identity and bout with alcoholism. I’ve talked about my insecurity, fear, and loneliness. I’ve talked about a lot of these things. I oftentimes find myself looking at who I was and being petrified of the possibility of still being that person.

I’m not, there’s a lot of things that have changed about me in the last 10 years. A lot has changed in the last 2 years! I like to even think that a lot has changed in me in just the last few weeks.

Change is a continuous process though. To quote Robert Cox, the lead evangelist at The Crossing’s Church in Wentzville.

“ This life is designed to be a life of protracted change.”

I’ve made choices to change more than I have ever done before. I’ve taken leaps of faith and opened up to people that I didn’t know. I got to know people that could have easily taken advantage of me, but instead they opened up to me just the same. They loved me.

I’ve fought my selfish urges and have started giving them up to the Lord. I’ve held on by the skin of my teeth and not let myself fall completely to the dark thoughts of suicide. I reached out for help. I have made peace with people who have hurt me and damaged people that I care about. I became friends with people who you wouldn’t imagine that Id be friends with.

Accurate representation of how I am these days. Lot of good cries though!

Some of these things can seem so small, such as I started going to church every Sunday. I’ve begun reading the bible more. I pray more. I also cry a lot more now. I cry when movies get sad. I cried during “Straight Outta Compton.” I try to look out for people besides myself. I want to have children. I love babies, and small kids now. I actually can’t wait to be a father someday.

I’ve made decisions that hurt. I’ve chose to take paths that are hard. I’ve cut off ties with things that don’t make me a better person. Even if I thought I enjoyed them.

There’s more to it than just that. I’ve taken a moment to realize that if I stop for just a moment. I’ve got a family, blood, through marriage, by choice, and through Christ; they are always supporting me. Some people actually think I’m kind of funny.

I’m 23 years old as of a little under a month ago. My life is completely different than I would have thought in 2006. There’s hardly any of the people I was friends with in 2006 still in my life. There’s a few, but not many. I cherish those relationships. I didn’t think they’d like me in 2006, let alone by 2016!

I have so many friends. I have so much hope. All of this comes back to one thing though. The one difference in me now and who I was then.

God’s grace alone is apparent in taking me from a 4 to a 8.

Jokes aside, my life is different because I gave up my life on September 30th 2013. I took time to study the bible with my friends Matt Hernando and Mitch Heady. Two men who did the same things years prior. Two men that have modeled to me what being a man of God was all about.

I haven’t been perfect, but Christ doesn’t ask us to be perfect. He asks for us to trust in Him. To pick up our cross and walk. Not only am I loved by my friends and family, but I was loved first by God. I was loved first by Christ’s death for me.

How can I live each day without being changed? The good thing is tomorrow is a new day. Every day is different than others. Some days are better. Some days are worse, but that’s okay.

God’s mercies are made new each day. Everyone has a chance. We just have to choose it. You don’t have to take it from me, but God has done so much for me that I can’t even begin to explain. I don’t feel worthy of this love. Time and time again though He has shown me that it doesn’t matter how I feel. He will continue to freely give that love to me.

We just have to look for him.

All I know is that at 23 years old. I’m starting to relate less and less to Blink-182 songs.