How to Stay Out of HELL

A White Evangelical Primer

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A Simple Guarantee

It’s the reason it’s called the Good News. The snake that told Eve to eat that piece of magical fruit doomed all of us — until God sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. Now all we have to do is believe in Jesus’ resurrection and accept him as our personal savior, and presto! We are now assured a spot in heaven, and an eternity of bliss instead of torment.

Of course, there’s just a bit more to it than that. Because if that’s all you really had to do, people everywhere would be doing it and then just going back to their normal lives as if it never even happened. Even worse, they would use their get-out-of-hell-free card to commit any sin or evil they wanted to because they would never be held accountable for it.

So white evangelical Christians tend to conform to an unofficial list of requirements that will ensure you do not lose your salvation after that first step. They’re like the fine print of the salvation contract that you need to fulfill to keep your passport to heaven. Other churches have a whole different list, but as this is church I became familiar with, this is the one I will present here.

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The Fine Print

• You must acknowledge that you are a sinner and repent of your sins. Examples of sin run the gamut from a seven-year-old repenting for lying to his mother to a mass-murderer repenting in his prison cell.
• You must join and attend an evangelical church whenever possible. Some exceptions are made for people in submarines or on the International Space Station, but otherwise you must regularly interact with other believers and follow the instructions of the pastors appointed over you. If you attempt to just follow Jesus on your own, you will miss out on accountability to your peers and instruction from the elders, and will be led astray by Satan.
• You must dedicate your life to following Jesus and doing god’s will on Earth — not to your secular plans and desires. God’s will may be divined through prayer and faith and is to be the ongoing roadmap for your whole life.

Warnings

The Good News is the elixir of eternal life and bliss. But like any medication, it carries risks and may have toxic or unpredictable interactions with other substances. These other substances produce grey areas, where salvation may still be possible, but the guarantee is weakened. It often depends on which theologian you consult, which evangelical author you read, or which pastor you have as to whether anything on the list is considered a threat to your salvation.

This list is not complete. Any evangelical leader can come up with their own. These are but a few of the largest and most common.

• You lived your life before Jesus did. Opinion is divided on this issue. Some theologians contend that you will yet have a chance to call on Jesus and be saved. Others simply count you among the multitudes in hell right now.
• You never heard about Jesus. Maybe you were born in India or some other country where another religion was dominant. Or wherever you live, you just never heard the Gospel and never had a chance to ask Jesus to be your savior. Some theologians have postulated that this ignorance will excuse you from hell. Most are not so kind.
• You were a Christian, but before 1517. Unless you were among the very earliest Christians, you were either in the Roman Catholic Church or the Eastern Orthodox Church. These are neither protestant nor evangelical. The Protestant Church started with Martin Luther’s reformation in 1517.
• You are LGBT. Oh snap! If you were a murderer, pedophile, Satanist, or divorced you could be forgiven for those sins. But not this one. Some pastors will give you a pass if you renounce your orientation and “convert.” Otherwise — sorry, bye!
• You are not white. No, you certainly don’t have to be white to be saved. You do, however, have to conform 100% to white culture — including hair styles, dress, language, diction, occupation, holidays, etc. Don’t be celebrating Kwanza or the Day of the Dead. And whatever you do, don’t advocate for your group’s rights or bring up how your people were massacred at Wounded Knee. All of this is unamerican. You can’t be a Christian and unamerican, and only white history and culture is American.
• You have experienced doubts about your faith. An old Soviet saying applies here: “Don’t think it. If you think it, don’t say it. If you say it, don’t write it down.” Of course official opinion is divided on this count. But if you really want to be safe, just don’t do it.
• You were sexually abused in the church. If you were a girl, it will be partially your fault, because women are responsible for policing men’s sexual behavior. You may be accused of wanting it and being a whore and a homewrecker. If you were a boy, whispers will linger that you are actually gay. And if you abandon your faith because of this trauma, your apostasy will be seen as evidence of either accusation. Your abuser, however, can repent and keep his passport to the pearly gates.
• You speak in tongues. Tongue-speaking was supposed to stop after Pentecost. Doing it now is allowing demons to speak through you!
• You don’t speak in tongues. Speaking in tongues, prophesizing, and healing are the gifts of the Spirit. If you do not express these gifts, then the Holy Spirit is not in you. You may not even be saved!
• You are a Christian feminist. There was a reason the snake talked to Eve instead of Adam. This is why you are not to be trusted to teach or preach to men, and must be forever silent and obedient. Don’t be like Eve. She went to hell.
• You are a “Carnal Christian.” You’re not putting enough effort into this. You don’t proselytize your friends and coworkers. You don’t tithe enough or volunteer for missions and church activities. You are pursuing your carnal, secular life over your walk with Jesus. Many pastors and theologians contend that this sin is forgiven. But some cite other verses indicating it is not. Do you want to take that chance?
• You had an abortion after you were saved. Now the guy who gunned down all those first-graders at Sandy Hook could have repented and been saved. But you honey? Even if you were raped, you aren’t getting by with this one. It would have been better if you had been gay.
• You are not a Republican. The liberals hate god and their sinful agenda is going to make god withdraw his favor from America! You can’t be a Christian if you hate god and America!
• You have traveled a lot, read a lot, or have a secular college education. No, none of this will keep you out of heaven — unless you take them too seriously. Then you will notice a wider world with different people, religions, and cultures beyond the scope of your Sunday school class. And you will begin flirting with Doubt. Don’t flirt with Doubt. She’s a succubus and a whore.
• You worry about being in heaven while some of your friends and family are in hell. Is that really going to be blissful? What if they’re down there blaming you for not trying hard enough to convert them? What about that one Sunday you didn’t drag your kids to church? Might that have been the time they got the message? Why can’t you take their place for them in hell and let them come to heaven? — Don’t even think it.

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Your Heavenly Reward

Did you make it through that contract? If so, congratulations! You are among God’s chosen — the tiny minority of souls who ever walked the Earth who will not spend eternity in torment and pain! Aren’t you glad you have stuck it out, never wandering into any of the danger areas?

You are sure, aren’t you?