9 Ways to Assert Your Masculinity in 2017
Let’s be honest, guys: being a man in 2017 can be hard — especially as a white cis straightie. Misandry has hit the mainstream, and it seems there are to be no holds barred in the public assignation of traditional masculinity.
With affirmative action trending on par with Ralph Lauren caps and political correctness reaching bold new extremes, it can start to feel like there’s not a safe space left for a dude to just bro out, be himself, and maybe get a little bit handsy if the mood strikes.
So tyrannical has the present-day policing of male behaviour become, that ogling a woman with unsolicited attention is sometimes kind of frowned upon — even if she’s really attractive. In fact, modern-day ethics in many parts of the world now dictate that it’s no longer cool for guys to glean pleasure from something that makes someone else feel really shitty.
But what does all this progressiveness mean for the contemporary male identity? Is modern man in a state of crisis? Are we jeopardising the freedom of expression of a bro’s natural manhood — the very essence of his birthright? In the hushed silence of our bubble-wrapped and trigger-warned coddle culture, can man still roar?
We spoke to some of the top experts on clinging to antiquated notions of masculinity, who revealed nine badass moves for keeping good old-fashioned manliness alive and kicking in 2017 — literally.
1. Grow a beard
Science says that a whopping fifty percent of your perceived masculinity is derived from your appearance. And nothing screams rugged manliness like a dense growth of hair across the facial area. The thing about beards is that that they connote testosterone, which means a thick bristly thatch is the ultimate go-to symbol for conveying you’ve got loads of it. While every second guy might have beaten you to it by now, remember that you’re trying to establish your innate bro-ness, not your individuality.
2. Get muscle-bound to a cartoonish level
If you’re simply not blessed with a Neanderthal capacity for sprouting a mug-rug, don’t sweat it. You can always just keep wet shaving yourself to the pinkish hue of raw meat and hit the gym, Stallone style. Studies show that getting muscle-bound to a level previously only available to anime characters is perceived to be equally as manly as sporting facial hair. Does this mean spending a disproportionate amount of your life pumping iron and knobbing around with elaborate calisthenics paraphernalia in public parks? Sure. But you’ll also need to hit the roids at a rate that seriously compromises your mental stability.
3. The tattoo is YOU
If you find you’re really struggling to pull off both the beard and the musclehead pathways to your manhood, covering yourself in ink is a fairly safe last resort. There is a chance that by the time you hit fifty you’ll have a habit of avoiding mirrors and some strangers will have trouble taking you seriously, but you’ll just have to man up to that.
4. Be the expert on feminism
Manoeuvring yourself into a winning position within the feminism predicament is vital to preserving your masculine authority in these turbulent times. But it’s easier than you might imagine. Explaining to a marginalised group why they do or do not feel oppressed and why you, as a man, are not personally responsible for the negative manifestations of the patriarchy will help clear up the common misconception that men just want to put women in their place. Explaining this to them clearly and reasonably with your calm logic is an effective way to demonstrate your male expertise on women’s issues.
5. Read literature written exclusively by male authors
While there may be many accomplished female authors out there, the truth is that their perspectives are just never going to mirror back similar reflections of your own belief system in that really soothing way that male authors have mastered so deftly throughout the canonisation of the classics. Better to play it safe.
6. Neg, neg, neg!
Negging is the ideal way to show off your macho finesse with the ladies by getting women to do exactly what you want without them even realising you’re controlling them. An added bonus is that at the crux of this pickup technique is a method of implicitly insulting your female conquests — one whereby everyone is degraded in their own way, which is fantastic for setting up a cool dynamic with girls right from the get-go. And negging really works: just ask any guy on Reddit.
7. Flip progressiveness to make it your impressiveness
The advent of social progress has actually brought some tasty man treats to the boy’s table. Case in point: the growing acceptance of open relationships. If handled carefully, you can exploit this burgeoning social shift as another means of relishing your masculine prowess, simply by playing the field under the lofty guise of polyamory. If carried out artfully enough, this will garner you huge clout with the boys and score you progressive brownie points with your politically literate friends. If you’re really gifted at rhetorical gymnastics, you may even be able to twist your philandering into the impression of a fully fledged ally.
8. Belittle other bros to prop yourself up
Just because other couples might genuinely have a relationship not fundamentally based on lopsided power relations, that doesn’t mean you can’t show them how it should be done — and make yourself look good in the process. Next time you see a cute couple out together having fun but notice the girl paying for her own drinks, step in and crack a joke about her boyfriend’s lack of chivalry. The effect is twofold: he’ll come off looking like a lame cheapskate and you like the gallant, charming stud you know you are.
9. Binge-watch mainstream porn
Sure, society may have progressed to the point where outright displays of sexism are publicly condemned on a surface level. But within the thriving multibillion-dollar porn industry, the misogynistic mores still underpinning the daily functioning of the world are reflected back with pure, unmediated honesty. Which means porn is great news for the unmitigated expression of your masculine domination. Just make sure it’s the generic, derivative kind which monopolises the market. You’ll find that the privacy of your own bedroom is the perfect place to verify to the world that you’re a real man. Just hop online and enjoy the endless cornucopia of passive and mostly borderline-underage female representations — each as eager to please your every desire with a cute self-effacing giggle as the next. Particularly placating to your threatened masculine identity will be the fantastic way each girl serves as a one-dimensional object, bereft of agency or emotional verisimilitude, whose entire existence is designed to single-mindedly assist your personal gratification on your terms. This will make it clear who’s really the boss after all — unless your bandwidth chokes because your mum forgot to pay the Vodafone bill.
