A Call To Arms: Make Me More Famous than Casey Affleck

I didn’t watch the Golden Globes on Sunday night, but when I got word through Twitter that Casey Affleck had won for Best Actor in a Drama, I was pretty disappointed. Affleck seems to be the latest in a string of male celebrities who’s careers will sustain numerous sexual assault, harassment, or misconduct allegations. As a woman, it’s difficult to watch many men get excused from their ill treatment of women simply because they’re good at art. As a person named Casey, it’s frustrating to see the most famous Casey of them all smear the good reputation of my name.

There are literally like no famous people named Casey, guys. This list has a bunch of YouTube stars, deceased radio personality Casey Kasem, that woman who was accused of murdering her own child, and the lesser of the Affleck siblings. For awhile, it was a bummer that Casey Affleck was the most famous Casey only because he wasn’t all that famous. Now it’s a bummer because it seems like, at best, he’s a scumbag who makes women uncomfortable when he’s drunk and also their boss (which is inexcusable), and at worse he’s a conscious sexual predator who preys on the women he’s got power over (which is also inexcusable!!!).

RIP Casey Kasem. You truly were the best of us.

So it sucks, seeing that Casey Affleck won the Golden Globe, and that he’s poised to win the Oscar — rocketing him into even more fame than he ever had before.

But listen: it doesn’t have to be this way. Casey Affleck doesn’t have to be the most famous Casey.

I could be the most famous Casey.

Now I know what you’re thinking: who the hell even are you? And that’s a fair question. I am not famous at all. I have less than 300 Twitter followers, after all. My only semi-viral content was a picture of an Abra I took while playing Pokemon Go one time.

To be fair, it’s a great picture.

So, for your convenience, here’s a list of reasons why I should be more famous than Casey Affleck:

1. I have never sexually assaulted or harassed another person (not even when I’m drunk! Wow! Amazing!)
2. I can also do an exaggeratedly bad Boston accent (I’ve lived in Boston for 3.5 years!)
3. I have never sexually assaulted or harassed another person.
4. Even with only 300 Twitter followers, I have a way better Twitter! (I can’t even tell if This One is real or not. It’s not verified? What kind of celebrity isn’t verified on Twitter? And also it doesn’t have sick Rocky IV jokes, which is like 100% of what my Twitter is.)
5. I have never sexually assaulted or harassed another person.
6. I have, like, the cutest dog ever.
7. I HAVE NEVER SEXUALLY ASSAULTED OR HARASSED ANOTHER PERSON.

Do you guys need more reasons?

Honestly, lets be real. It doesn’t have to be me. I’d be content with any other Casey on earth being more famous than Casey Affleck. Do any Casey’s out there want to volunteer? Maybe one of those YouTube people?

I think together we can do this, guys. We can make me (or any Casey) more famous than The Bad Casey, Casey Affleck.

So, #MakeMeMoreFamousThanCaseyAffleck2k17. Let’s DO THIS.

Here’s my dog in a hat. Maybe she can be more famous than Casey Affleck? One can only hope.