My Appeal to Men
Dear Men,
I want to start by saying how much I appreciate your presence and impact upon me and my life. You constantly impress me. For instance, so many of you, especially those closest to me, have been able to subvert our society’s patriarchal, male socialization in many ways by:
- Wearing whatever the fuck you want, like pink (*gasp*)
- Coming out as LGBTQ+
- Being vulnerable
- Being humble
- Crying
- Being involved in the arts
There are myriad societal expectations placed upon your shoulders, which I can only begin to understand up to a certain point, as someone raised as a cis-gender female. But I can imagine how difficult and restricting our current idea of masculinity and gender must have been for many of you.
And I want to thank many of you. To speak more specifically, I am grateful and (admittedly) quite impressed that a number of you have reached out to me personally to start a dialogue about whether or not you’ve abused me or treated me in misogynistic ways in the past. You were able to acknowledge your privilege as cis-men, make yourself vulnerable in starting that conversation and in then asking for forgiveness. While this should be the bare minimum, I understand that doesn’t make these actions any easier. From the bottom of my gigantic, exposed, bleeding heart: thank you.
You, my dear men, give me hope. You encourage me that truly not all men hate me and my gender. Because, in all seriousness, I’m not always so sure…
I was… let’s say encouraged to speak to you after completely breaking down this afternoon. I was triggered while defending the importance of believing women in this #MeToo era versus being overly concerned with false accusations. Defending criticism leveled at me by cis, white men. The “argument” wasn’t even that emotionally intense, but I still found myself sobbing because of it:
“Why?” you might be asking yourselves. Because I’m exhausted. I am tired from waking up every day, facing a world made for and by men, and arguing that women deserve to be treated as humans. I am drained by the knowledge that those who hold the most power in this country treat my gender as if we’re expendable playthings.
And then, to have people who know me on a personal level make me out to be a man-hating cunt? Let’s just say it’s triggering.
I am triggered. I have been triggered since early this year, which I won’t go into because of legal reasons. I have lost more than I thought anyone of my generation, anyone in my position, would from misogyny.
Because, yes my dear men, sexism is not dead. It still affects women’s livelihood, careers, and, most importantly, safety. Similar to racism, it’s mostly not the same kind our parents saw, the kind you can easily roll your eyes at on Mad Men or something. No, its insidiousness lies in its subtleties.
Here are just a FEW ways that sexism affects girls/women on a daily basis. Today. In this, the year of our lord, 2018:
- Mansplaining.
- Workplace harassment.
- It’s not a coincidence that careers held predominantly by women have lower salaries.
- Seatbelts are less safe for women because the crash test dummy was modeled after an average-sized man. Because of this, women are 47% more likely to be seriously injured in an automobile accident.
- Female heart attack symptoms not well understood, because, again, male was used as the default. Women are therefore less likely than men to survive a heart attack.
- Office thermostats are often set for men (accommodating the higher metabolic rate of a 40-year-old, 154-pound, suit-wearing man)
- Female students being sent home, therefore MISSING VALUABLE EDUCATION, for “distracting” the male student with their collar bones
- Dangerous drug side effects (not racism) for women because they are often only tested on men
- The pink tax
- Women are interrupted more than men. Even by other women.
It’s a lot to face. And us women? We are tired. We have been yelling to be heard, to be taken seriously. And while we make some headway here and there, we can’t do this without you.
That’s right: we need you. I need you.
My dearest men, I desperately need your help. I need you to step up. I need you to take on this fight with me. To challenge your friend when you hear him saying some sexist bullshit. To intervene when you see another man being predatory towards a woman, making her feel unsafe. To listen to women without becoming defensive and taking it as a personal attack.
We seriously cannot do this without you. And we are trying to reach out to you.
I’m genuinely sorry if you feel like feminism is out to get you. Like I’m out to get you. That’s (mostly) not the case. Being sexist doesn’t mean that you’re inherently anything other than HUMAN. It’s impossible to have walked the path you have in this world and not internalized some of that shit. I’m still working through all of the internalized misogyny I got going on, and I consider myself pretty fucking self-aware (thanks, thousands upon thousands of dollars of therapy 😘).
I am not out to get you. I’m just trying to get you to hear me. To see what it’s like. To understand just how tired we all are. To understand how much needs to be done. And to understand that we will never accomplish it without you.
So will you join me? Can you please help? Because sometimes, I feel like I’m losing my voice, and I have fought too long and too hard to let that happen.
With Sincere Love and Affection,
Rachel
PS — If you’re sitting there, a man, and not sure how to help: ask.
PPS — re: any Men’s Rights Activist responses, the patriarchy is not only harmful to women.
