Beyond Calories In and Out: When Weight is Self-Defense
The above quote is floating around Instagram — Sometimes under the guise of a senior quote, and sometimes as a stand-alone like this.
This ‘funny’ quote created such a strong, visceral reaction in my throat that I wanted to throw up. It took me a while to place until I realized that for years I had been doing just that: Using an unhealthy lifestyle as a form of self-defense.
This isn’t talked about a whole lot. I see a bunch of guides on how to lose weight, how to accept yourself for your current weight, how to bulk up, how to eat, how to work out.
After a series of horrible events, I found myself extremely out of shape and almost didn’t recognize my own body. I was over-eating and not exercising. I had carpal tunnel in both of my wrists. I didn’t want to date anyone and I was overcome with sadness and shame.
As I began to heal from these experiences, I wanted to become healthier. I tried eating better and exercising more. But something else was wrong.
Every time someone noticed my weight loss and gave me a ‘compliment,’ I would become afraid. Because in my mind, being more conventionally attractive would make me a target. Then I would sabotage myself just to feel safe again, and once I felt safe, ashamed once more that I had let myself fall into the spiral.
The extra weight I carried was a test. I would not have shallow friends or boyfriends. I would not be a target just because I was thin and pretty. I could keep those people away. When I was thin and dyed my hair blonde, I had clearly been ‘asking for it.’
So underneath my desire to be healthy and heal was this issue of using an unhealthy lifestyle as a shield. It wasn’t about weight — I knew how to lose weight, and that wasn’t even the goal. The goal was to feel safe and happy again. Being unhealthy made me unhappy. Being healthy made me unsafe. I was trapped. Stuck. And nothing online was helping me. Articles talked about limiting carbs, or offered to sell me things, or told me I was fine the way I was. And they were all missing the point.
If someone around you is trying to change their lifestyle, please do not focus on weight or thinness. That person probably notices their body is changing. They do not need your input. And if you cannot help yourself, you can tell them they look happy. Glowing. Powerful. Adjectives that do not have to do with their weight or physical appearance.
These days, I’m focusing more on overcoming using unhealthy eating as a method of self-defense. It’s nothing fancy, and involves a lot of journal writing, meditation, and being nicer to myself than I have been in the past. It’s not something you can buy, or a food you can cut out/start eating, or a sure-fire, five-minute workout.
Sure, if I were thinner, I would probably have more people wanting to take selfies with me, and more people targeting me for god-knows-what. But my body isn’t for them, either, and big or small, I trust my intuition to tell me when someone is fake. I no longer need a literal shield around my body keeping away those who would snatch away my autonomy. I can keep them away myself, no matter what I look like.
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