Brushing Off the Bro Talk
My time spent working at a large investment bank after graduating college was a stark contrast to the portrayal of Wall Street in the news media following the financial crisis. In general, my colleagues were smart, respectful, diligent, and hardworking. We discussed the ethics, regulations and boundaries related to our job function, and ensured adherence. Perhaps that is why it was so easy to brush off the bro talk.
Upon leaving that job in finance, I took some time to reflect on my experiences: the long hours, the big money-making deals, the steep learning curve, the fast-paced environment and the “Wall Street Bro Talk”. Former banker Sam Polk defined Wall Street Bro Talk as “a force field of disrespect and exclusion that makes it incredibly difficult for women to ascend the Wall Street ladder.” The bro talk that I remember was highly sexual in nature and invariably crude. It was a glaring departure from the general respect and ethical behavior the majority of my colleagues exhibited. I typically responded to the sexist, hypersexual, objectifying comments aimed at me and my female colleagues with an eye roll and let it slide.
When someone told me a deal was going “tits up,” I didn’t explain that the phrase is a vulgar modification of the term belly-up, and as such, evokes a naked woman floating dead on her back. When someone told me they liked “blondes on their knees” as I knelt by a Bloomberg terminal, I never thought to report this as sexual harassment or to explain how this comment showed that he viewed me not as a colleague, but as someone from whom he could receive oral sex.
I thought it was just “men being men.” No one seemed to be directly harmed, and I was showing them that women in finance were strong, unshakeable and did not have time to be bothered with such immature and degrading language. I easily brushed off the bro talk.
Now, what I cannot brush off is how I condoned language that perpetuates a culture of rape and violence against women.
I currently work as an educator at La Casa de las Madres, a domestic violence agency based in San Francisco. I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about the impact of the degrading language that men often chalk up as “locker room talk” or “bro talk”. Domestic violence agencies across the country are acutely aware of the mental and physical impact of this language. We see how it reinforces learned behaviors of power and control.
Many of us hear the term domestic violence and think of one partner physically beating the other. It is easy to identify such physical violence as wrong, as criminal. We struggle a bit more to identify and hold batterers accountable when they commit acts of financial, emotional, or psychological abuse.
Perhaps what is hardest though, is to identify the link between sexist, hypersexual, objectifying language directed at women, and the many different forms of coercive behavior batterers use to control their partners. Or, the link between sexist, hypersexual, objectifying language directed at women and the rate of rape and sexual assault on campuses. I believe that while it may be hard, it is necessary for each of us to make this connection and to change our behaviors to mitigate the harmful impacts.
On college campuses, how many times have we heard someone use the term “take down” or “slay” to describe having sex with a woman? How many times have we spoken up? We keep quiet and then we are shocked when individuals “take her down” or “slay her” without consent.
In the workplace, how often have we heard crude and inappropriate sexual jokes? How often have we let our female colleagues be defined by their physical appeal (or lack thereof) rather than their aptitude for the work? How many times have we spoken up? We keep quiet and then we are shocked by the spate of sexual assault and sexual harassment cases coming out of today’s office environment.
When we use language that dehumanizes a woman, it becomes easier for batterers to justify their abuse, and harder for bystanders to speak out and say that no individual deserves to be abused. After all, she is just breasts and a pretty face, right?
Donald Trump is trying to convince us, as many men have before, that locker room talk is just that — something that stays in the locker room. I am reminded of the irony of this language when I read that “while less than four percent of college students are athletes, student-athletes are involved in 19 percent of sexual assaults reported on college campuses.” In the NFL, the rate of domestic violence is unquestionably high when income is taken into account.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It is also the final stretch of a Presidential Election in which one of the candidates has used violent language to discuss relations with women. Always, but especially with the confluence of these two events, I hope we can all take time to reflect on how the line between jokes and actual abuse of women is not as sturdy or clearly-defined as a locker room door. On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide. 19.3 million women in the US have been stalked in their lifetime. Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten in the US. Can anyone really assert that “men being men”, or “boys being boys”, is all talk and no action?
While I have largely framed this issue as a gendered one, it is of course important to remember that most men (including athletes) do not degrade, objectify and abuse women. And, of course, it is not only women who are victims. We all have a vested interest in stopping the violence. Both men and women have a responsibility and important role to play in stopping the normalization of language that perpetuates violence against women.
It is undoubtedly challenging to stand up to powerful people and change processes and institutions. It is especially hard to oppose institutionalized and normalized procedures and language, even if they are dangerous to the physical, emotional, financial and psychological well-being of women. But we must stand up. We must speak out.
We call it “bro talk” and let it slide. We call it “locker room talk” and let it slide. How about “1 in 5 women will be raped talk” or “1 in 3 women will be physically abused by a loved one talk.” It is not quite as easy to let that slide.
