Dads who “do more harm than good”
I work with women who have left abusive partners but who have children with those men and so are often forced to have some level of contact with their exes. I also often come into contact with social workers, child therapists and family support people. Recently I met a professional who works supporting families.
“I’m supposed to be encouraging fathers to be active in their children’s lives,” she said, “but so many of these men, they do more harm than good.”
She sighed heavily and sat down. She told me of the abusive phone calls she gets on a daily basis from the fathers of the children she works with. “They always blame the mother.” she said, “or they think I’m in league with her.”
It’s a message I’ve heard again and again from professionals working in this field. For the most part the women I work with are trying to support their kids through court-ordered access visits with their fathers. These are men the courts deem to be good enough parents to be able to have their kids unsupervised and overnight.
I know from the work I do that domestic abuse is far more widespread than most people think. In Ireland the official statistics are 1 in 4 women will be in an abusive relationship (I and others have written before about the problem with these stats always focusing on how many women will be abused and not on how many men will abuse but that’s for another conversation). Given how few women report domestic abuse and the lack of knowledge about what constitutes abuse I believe the statistics are significantly out.
When I complained to friends about how I was being treated they assured me that the way my then-partner was treating me was “normal”. Women’s Aid assured me it was not. Looking back, some of those who fought hard to assure me that the abusive relationship I was in was “normal” were themselves in abusive relationships. If we were providing good education about domestic abuse in our schools I believe many more people would be seeking support from services like Women’s Aid.
From my life experience I believe at least 2 out of 4 relationships are abusive. Not only that but where children are involved the abuse can continue long after the relationship has ended. The abusive partner uses their power as a co-parent to continue to exert power over their ex. (I have only ever worked with women but men can also be victims of domestic abuse). In a study of domestic abuse survivors by Women’s Aid they found that in 44% of cases, “the family court granted contact to a former partner despite knowing the child had been directly abused by them.” (my italics).
One participant said, “My child had to have contact with a violent parent as this is what the court ordered.”
Men who abuse women are never good dads. You cannot be a good dad while you are abusing the children’s mother. The core belief system of abusive men that allows them to view women as property extends to how they view their children. And they will use children as pawns in their efforts to continue to control their exes.
I know men who still abuse their exes despite being broken up for over a decade. Once a woman has a child with an abuser she is essentially trapped, tied to him for sometimes up to 18 years. One mother I worked with had been broken up with her ex for 3 years. “I won’t be happy until I see you in the gutter.” he said to her, and I think of that statement so often when I see how these men try and destroy the women who gave birth to their children.
Most abusers are very good at seeming reasonable and “nice”, perception is everything for them and they have a deep need to be thought of as being a “good guy” and a “great dad”. They have developed techniques to win over professionals engaging with their family. One social worker was completely won over by a man who had kicked his daughter out of his house, had a criminal history of drug use and was the primary cause of his child’s very significant problems. When the Social Worker finally met the mother of the child he was extremely judgemental of the mother and kept referring to what a “good dad” the father was.
Even when the Social Worker was informed of the history of the father’s drug abuse he maintained that the father’s drug use was completely unrelated to the daughter’s drug use and that the child’s issues likely stemmed from the mother. He had decided all this before ever meeting the mother and maintained his opinion despite evidence to the contrary.
The bar for being a “good Dad” is set so low that the smallest amount of involvement is exaggerated by professionals, while the expectation on mothers is much higher and they are held to a higher standard than fathers.
The professionals who engage with families in conflict primarily separate men’s abuse and violence from their ability to parent, as if the two things have no connection.
Currently in practice if not in theory — the systems prioritise father’s rights over children’s rights. In my view it is likely there is a domestic abuse component in the majority of custody/access cases that end up in family court. I have friends who worked out custody and access arrangements amicably between them after splitting up and never saw the inside of the courtroom, yet every survivor of domestic abuse I’ve worked with has been taken to court by their abusive ex. Domestic abuse services and experts say that the Family Court System is used by abusers as a tool of further abuse.
This is unacceptable and is failing people who need support and safety — not exposure to powerful systems that can enable further abuse and force children into contact with abusive adults.
Former Director of the AVA and domestic abuse expert Davina James Hanman says that evidence shows that coercive control is, “a much better indicator of future risk than physical violence.” There are no systems are in place in Ireland to establish the presence or absence of coercive control in family court matters. In Ireland children involved in custody cases do not even have their own legal representation.
The current system is failing domestic abuse victims (which includes children). If you were looking to create a State that supported domestic abusers you’d struggle to design a system better than the one we have.
Father’s “right” to contact with their children is seen as the starting point. Fathers who do the bare minimum of parenting are seen as excellent dads yet Mothers are held to much higher standards. There are no systems in place to establish the presence or absence of Coercive Control in State dealings with families in crisis. Children do not have their own legal representation in court and it is at the judge’s discretion if their voices are allowed to be heard, and how much weight will be given to their wishes.
It is distressing and unacceptable that evidence of the damage being done to children by State services and Family Courts is available and widely known in domestic abuse circles yet is nothing is being done to change the systems that cause harm.
It seems we haven’t yet hit the required threshold for women and children suffering.
