Dear Ashton Kutcher:

As requested, a response to your LinkedIn questions

I was very angry with you yesterday when I read your LinkedIn Post. I read your questions I began to think to myself “Jesus, another one. Another dude from his high-perched house that has more money I can ever imagine asking me how to fix the problem his kind created.” I realize after 24 hours of thinking, that’s not fair.

I don’t know you. I do appreciate your willingness to take the internet flack that has been and will continue, for putting yourself and your obvious well-meaning questions out there. For that genuine concern, I thank you.

I do, however, know many other men your post represents; for them and even you, I offer you my incredibly frustrated answers. I sincerely hope that as an industry we can all stop dancing around the obvious and feigning shock every few years about the treatment of women in the workplace, not just technology, the entire workplace.

“How do men work with women?” has been the uncoded question men have asked for decades. Stop asking that, start asking “How have women worked with men?” and you will quickly see where change has to occur. In the meantime, my thoughts for you below.

What are the Rules for dating in the workplace? Flirting?

I was sad and infuriated that this was asked. I was discouraged that it was your first question. Here’s a question: is the workplace an appropriate environment to be relationship shopping? Not unless you work at a Matchmaking service.

Work is where you enter a mutual relationship by which an employee provides a service that an employer pays for. While people have fun, laugh, get along, joke and have personalities the idea that your workplace should even be perceived as a “dating” environment promotes the problem.

Imagine if in a pitch meeting I offered to blow you, would you be affronted? You might perceive that aggressive while I thought it was a flirty and funny way to break the ice.

It’s an office, not Tinder. The rule is, don’t shit where you eat and don’t bring sex to the workplace unless you work in sex. One sexual harassment seminar at a good employment law firm can straighten that out in 5 mins.

Instead of your current question, I recommend you ask your peers: “as a senior leader and/or investor why am I okay that this is up for debate?” What circumstances do you think beg the question: when is the workplace an appropriate place to engage in sex and/or romance?

Again, for the record, I was appalled this was your first question.

What are the clear red lines?

You just asked, “what level of always unacceptable flirtation or sexual interest is acceptable?” Short answer — none. Don’t treat women (or for that matter anyone in the workplace) as if they are at work in any way to search, find, or procure, sex or a relationship. Single line, not plural, drawn.

Where does the line between work life and social life stop and start?

Wow. This one sort of killed me. It is really the question only someone who pays the checks can ask.

Until the situation in the workplace is such that every individual makes the exact same salary and every individual is equal in the reporting structure it’s always work life. When you’re out with your colleagues drinking at a bar, it’s a work event because one of those colleagues can always return to the office and get you fired. In the “social life,” few people have the power to take away your livelihood.

The real issue is our industry thinks part of its cultural gestalt is being social. We need to hang out after work with our boss or teams because that’s what the culture is. Late dinners to talk work only show how busy and dedicated you are. Even when there is wine involved, it is still work. Humans look to work at places where they will feel appreciated, challenged, accomplished — sometimes we work because we need the money.

What we don’t do is look for work because we think it will immediately fill out our social life. Way too many companies in our space, however, have made it an implied requirement. Sure I have people I work with I consider friends, but that took extended periods of time to cultivate a trusting relationship; it was not created by guilting me to go to a bar for the happy hour because we’re all “part of the same team.”

Given that in the short term we are clearly bound by the existing educated talent pool in STEM, other than promoting STEM education parity going forward, how do we stop gap a solution?

Did you just say there was “clearly an education gap”? “Clearly,” like it’s painfully obvious right now women just don’t know tech? I’m going to assume that you mean, how can we change the perception that coding is something only men know?

Speaking of STEM — your entire community of nondevelopers think leadership roles in these companies require we all be computer scientists. How about the technology world stop judging on code first unless you’re looking to be a developer?

There are so many roles to building a business, technology-based or otherwise: Product, Project Management, Design, UX, Strategy, Sales, Marketing, Support — where are the women in those roles?

Where are the women who are “nontechnical founders” that you’re even willing to talk to? Travis Kalanick was a college dropout who had been sued for 250 billion dollars over his first company. He was able to start a second business after going into bankruptcy to avoid paying the 250 billion. Later he was able to get meetings and 200K to start Uber at the “idea stage”. Seriously? You think STEM education is going to bridge getting more women in the door like Travis Kalanick?

Fact: Men get meetings.

I was an English major. The first internet product I created was in 1996. The first real-time directory of online events. I was so proud when Mark Cuban called me to talk about a partnership because we featured Audionet events (yeah I named dropped, because it was 20 years ago and I still remember). I never took a computer class in my life. I’m referred to as a nontechnical. Out of curiosity where is your computer science degree from?

Men need to learn that what sits between a woman’s legs makes no difference to the quality of her critical thinking skills. Then we need to support EVERYONE interested in technology at ALL levels to learn about the space. It’s about so much more than STEM.

Should investors invest in ideas that they believe to have less merit so as to create equality across a portfolio?

I don’t think you meant to phrase that question that way. Here’s how it reads “should investors invest in ideas that have less merit because they were pitched by a woman?” Um, no. Women aren’t asking for a handout, we’re asking for fair treatment. The issue is fair treatment. If the idea doesn’t merit money, don’t give it money. To ask “should we overlook mediocrity for diversity” is insulting on so many levels. The most irksome — it implies diversity requires mediocrity.

How about asking: why don’t women get seed and angel funding at the rate of men. Do you think that’s because women’s ideas are empirically always of less value? I hope not.

How do we create channels to promote female entrepreneurship?

Women don’t need more promotion, we need to it be clear that we will be treated fairly. Women aren’t hiding from being entrepreneurs, we don’t need a program saying “you too can be an entrepreneur.” We need the community in charge of all the purse strings to stop treating their role like an exclusive club only a few with privileges can access.

Who are you inviting to the table? What are you doing to tell women you’re open to ideas? What is the VC and P/E community doing to open the doors? You are the channel, so I have to put back to you — “how do you create a fair system where people can get in the door at all?”

What advice should we be giving to female entrepreneurs?

None, and who is this “we” you keep referring to — men?

Women entrepreneurs are not the issue. Are men so different they understand entrepreneurship better and that’s why funding is more easily accessible? Do I need to learn a new quality that will make me more attractive than a man who was sued for 250 billion dollars? Why is it on women to find out more about how to navigate the toxic and bias environment, sorry, the male culture created?

Are there known mentorship programs for female entrepreneurs?

Google it? Of course, there are programs. But those programs don’t teach men how to alter their perceptions so women can get funding. All Caps are coming because this is important:

THIS IS NOT A WOMEN’S EDUCATION ISSUE!

Are there any aggregated or clear pieces of media or educational platforms to help men understand where their blindspots may be?

There are thousands of studies, again, Google. HBR just released a great one about how women and men are treated so differently in pitch meetings (Link). There are 1000s of articles about how women are generally chastised in performance reviews for the same qualities as their male coworkers. These aren’t blind spots — these are systemic issues that first require a level of acceptance from our male peers that they exist.

I’ll throw you one blindspot: women are sick and tired of being asked to educate men about how to treat women fairly. It’s not our responsibility to mentor you, it’s your responsibility do some work internally.

Are these the right questions?

No.

I think you should let a woman lead this, and I think you should sit back and listen to eerily similar experiences large volumes of women chronically endure in this industry and any industry. After you have listened ask yourself “as a man in a position of financial power, how did/do I enable this and what am I going to do stop enabling it?”

For the record — I do applaud you for the starting the dialogue. I am not looking to shut you down. I, and I think a good deal of other female technology professionals, am just fed up with being asked by men in positions of power to “educate me, how else can I learn to treat women equally?”