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Dear ‘nice guys™’: this is why I don’t want you

Yes, you did hold open that door for me, no you can’t have my number

Madelaine Hanson
Jul 19, 2017 · 3 min read

It has nothing to do with you not being alpha. It has everything to do with your arrogance and entitlement to my sexuality and privacy

Can you just leave, now

I’m really, really tired of this excuse: ‘You don’t like me because I’m nice.’

On the contrary, I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone I didn’t consider nice. As someone who is widely considered the most vanilla girl-next-door on the planet, I’m not really into massive jerks. I like nice men. That’s probably my type. I’m nicesexual. So why don’t I like you?

Because, frankly, you act as if doing me a favour, or treating me kindly, somehow grants you the god-given right to my body. Not so, sir, not so. I’m grateful you lent me your pencil or showed me how to open that locker, but that sense of gratitude doesn’t equal all encompassing lust. I’m flattered you said my dress was pretty and it was extremely kind of you to pay for my coffee, but again, nil points for being nice. I’m nice to women. I don’t demand they date me. Why do you?

This particularly grates me if we are friends. Maybe I chatted to you at a party or we went out for lunch between lectures, but now you are trying to kiss me or have begun sending me very sexual questions. When I politely say I just want to be friends, you say I’ve rejected you because you are ‘nice’. Dude. No. Has it occured to you, that maybe, just maybe, I’m not sexually attracted to you? Is that even possible? Has that thought crossed your fragile ego at all?

You could be amazingly good looking. God knows I’ve just not had chemistry with the most obscenely attractive men. You could be smart, funny, witty, rich, charismatic, charming, successful, great at rollerskating, whatever. The heart wants what it wants. And that’s just not you. Soz.

If you take it VERY personally, and get abusive with me, all you are doing is irritating me further. If you start accusing me of leading you on, or friend zoning you, I’m not going to magically turn around and strip. I will just walk away. Becoming antagonistic towards a woman for not wanting to sleep with you is simply childish and petulant. Also, have you considered that I might actually be an okay friend? I have other qualities beside my ability to lie on my back. Most women do. Don’t lose us completely because you see us as pokemon to catch in various public spaces in order to sleep with. We do have more. There is more than relationships.

I blame this in part on our stupid culture. In this day and age, a man over 15 without a girlfriend, or, even better, regular casual sex, is kind of pathetic. So some young guys go around their merry way desperately looking for any female to fill in this weird phallic shaped void in their social ego. And failing to ‘catch’ a girl can be a massive blow for their security.

They normally- in my experience anyway- don’t particularly like you. They just become obsessed for a week/month with a girl they think is achievable. When we aren’t, they respond as if they have failed in some way. Newsflash: women aren’t in tiers. We aren’t neatly stacked in levels of achievability. We aren’t goals or status symbols. We aren’t there to decorate your profile pictures. We are people. And don’t tell me there aren’t men who think like this because I know so many women who experience the same thing.

I’m onto you, Nice Guy. Now please stop bitching about how frigid I am.

A hub of conversation to help young women mature, budding professionals become leaders and leaders become advocates for equality.

Madelaine Hanson

Written by

Athena Talks
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