Emotional Vulnerability
When I think about vulnerability, I think of all types of babies, kittens, baby elephants, living gentle creatures that need to be cared for. Animals and human beings that are cute and cuddly that we want to keep safe from harm. We wouldn’t let these creatures be on their own or fend for themselves. It is their birthright to be cared for. What does it mean to be cared for? Don’t all of us need Tender Loving Care?
Yes we definitely do. We are vulnerable creatures with messy emotions. Being an adult doesn’t mean that we are not vulnerable. The playful, loving child in each of us wants to be emotionally vulnerable, to feel safe to express ourselves as we are in any situation. I decided long ago to separate my emotions from my logical, rational mind. My emotions clouded my thinking and my goals. My emotions run deep inside my body, like a river that flows forcefully downstream. So deep sometimes that I get so caught up in them that it is hard to think straight. It overwhelms my mind and body. I tried to compartmentalize them so I could protect myself and feel safe, but I only felt more alienated. Little did I realize that expressing my emotions is very healthy and liberating. It provides me with greater self protection, self respect, and self love. Showing my anger, love, joy, fear, fun and silly sides has shown me how to respect and enjoy myself. Opening myself up literally frees me. I let the chips fall where they may and am more at peace with myself, my heart and my soul.
I am a complex human being like all of us are. We have all traveled a hard, fascinating journey to arrive to this point in our lives. Why do we build up walls around ourselves? Why do we need to protect ourselves from our self perceived pain? Pain is usually the cause of strife. Pain from others or pain we inflict upon ourselves. If we are truly honest with ourselves and accept ourselves as we are others will too. People want to love one another for love’s sake. It is better to make peace or love not war. I know it sounds trite but it is true. There are so many beautiful souls in this world, one can change your life. Many can change lots of lives for the better.
I decided a few months ago to be vulnerable and authentic. To share my feelings even if it was uncomfortable. I watched a wonderful TED Talk presented by Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability, the speaker decided to be vulnerable for one year. That year completely changed her life. Her words spoke to me, I decided to live an authentic life and have authentic relationships, so I needed to be vulnerable. Express how I feel even if it felt scary. I have to say that the more vulnerable I am the more empowered I feel. Now I expose myself and finally say and do what I truly think and feel. I realized that it is hard for me to talk about my feelings. My emotions are hard to explain, difficult to express, easier to show through my eyes, mouth, and hands.
Much of my physical expressions comes from years of dancing. South Indian dancing taught me to speak without talking, through my eyes, my facial expressions, my hands, and my body. It has stayed with me all these years. I still continue to use this language when expressing the depths of my feelings. From my perspective, India is a land of contradictions. It is a holy place with earthy gods, and deep, sensual, wild emotions in an emotionally repressed culture. It is this paradigm that reared me, that cultivated my vulnerability and the walls to protect it. It is these walls that are crumbling as my true nature comes forth.
Recently I came across the idea of a wild woman warrior, Women Who Run with Wolves, written by Clarisa Pinkola Estes. The title is intriguing, what type of woman is this? I said to myself this is me. I have not read the book yet but my own definition is a woman that creates her own boundaries, she is not dictated by societal rules. Society does not tell her what to do or when to do something or whom to do it with. She makes this decision. She is connected with her own innate nature, as the subtitle notes she is a wild woman archetype. I feel the most connected to myself when I am out in nature, when I am one with the elements. Sadly, most of my day is spent looking at a computer screen and by the time I am out of the office I need to wind down. Those who know me best consider me a wild girl, doing what I please when I want to. Perhaps all of us have this wild nature that we suppress to fit into society. I feel a calling now to open the door, to open the cage to whatever emerges. To be vulnerable and let my hair fly in the wind, to expose my true nature to all who dare to see.
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