Finding Personal Power
This morning I woke up to a text from an ex. The text asked me not to drive on the road outside his house, as his new partner doesn’t like it. What makes this super odd is that I haven’t been with this man in more than a decade. I have zero interest in seeing him, or seeing his new partner and I never use the road outside his house in order to look at him, her or their house. Also I’d be perfectly content with never seeing him or her again, that would actually be great, as they seem to have a weird fixation with me.
About 4–5 years ago he sent me a similar text which I ignored as I thought it was bonkers, I felt they were manufacturing a problem where there was no problem, I had gotten over the end of the relationship within 2 weeks of the split and I’d gone on to have several relationships since, including the one I am still in. I was no threat to these people, nor did I have any interest in them or their lives. I didn’t want to get drawn into some weird game they had created where I was cast as the “bad guy”.
Also I felt I was entitled to use any public road I want and I have friends who live a few blocks from him so I knew I may have occasion to drive on his road the odd time. However he took my silence as assent and about once every year or two if my car is spotted in the area I get another similar text which I’ve always ignored.
But lately I’ve had a lot of people try and push me around. And so this morning, when his stupid text arrived I decided to respond. I said that I never agreed to his demand as I thought it was a ridiculous thing to ask and it’s a public road and I will use it when I need to. I hit “send” and I felt a surge through me, for finally saying that. For finally calling out the bullshit. It was my personal power, filling in some space and righting what I have for years thought was an absurd and ridiculous wrong.
Another time, not so long ago a man I had to have regular dealings with was becoming increasingly abusive in his texts to me. To be honest with you this man frightened me and I said nothing about the abusive tone of his messages for a long time, until one day I replied, “I will not be responding to any messages in the future unless they are respectful” and believe it or not, that was that. The messages were respectful from then on. I know it’s not always that easy and that won’t work every time but it was the act of demanding respectful communication from a man I had allowed to speak rudely to me for so long that made it powerful for me. It increased my personal power to demand better for myself and to call him out.
Later today a relative I am estranged with messaged me. In her message she tried to gaslight me and blame me for a choice she had made. As I have worked with domestic abuse victims for 8 years I am very attuned to when someone is gaslighting. Normally when it happens to me I feel an acute sense of injustice and I try and reason with the person. I try and bring them to a place where they can see that things are the way they are because of their own actions. I am admittedly mostly unsuccessful, as people who gaslight are not coming from a very rational space, they are deep in emotion. So today I just decided I wasn’t taking any more shit. I called her out on her hypocrisy, with no expectation of result. And it made me feel strong. Like I had done a good thing for myself. It was more personal power finding it’s way to consciousness.
Like most people (I imagine?) my life has a portion of people who would like to control me, bully me and push me around. I have for various reasons let some of these people do these things to me — and other times tried to enlist support to get them to stop. Sometimes I let people because it is the astute thing to do, sometimes there is a power imbalance that is skewed against me, sometimes I’ve been reliant on support from these people and thus have put up with more than I would’ve otherwise. There are many reasons why we might actively choose to let someone treat us badly.
But I’ve had it. I’ve had enough of being pushed around because of who I am, because I’m a single mum, because I’m a mother, because I have no family support, because I am someone’s ex, because I am (financially) poor. I’ve had it. I can feel my personal power seeping in and stepping up. I felt it today when I stood up to my ex and I felt it when I responded to the gaslighting relative. I don’t want to eat shit anymore. Women in this world are expected to suck up so much crap — and more so if you are a trans women, women with a disability, a sex workers or a woc.
The majority of people who communicate with me in a disrespectful or abusive manner have been men, and I’ve spent years ignoring, finding ways to smooth things over, looking to solve problems or just fucking taking it. I now my gender, social status and economic status all make me easier to push around. But now I say No More. I’m done with being “nice”. I’m done with trying to reason with unreasonable people.
A friend of mine responds to people putting shit on her by just naming what they are doing. There is so much power in naming. So for example she would’ve just responded to the gaslighting text with “gaslighting”. As I still have some people in my life I rely on to some extent or have to “keep the peace” with I’m not sure I will always be able to employ this exact method of dealing, however I enjoy even thinking about it!
My evolving personal power is a work in progress, but standing up for myself, with no lust of result is a gamechanger. I know I won’t change the way these people think by calling them on their shit, but I can dictate the terms by which the exchange happens. I can refuse to interact if the communication isn’t respectful. It’s time to stop eating shit.
I’d love to hear about how ye all engage your personal power, so get in touch, let me know your thoughts!
