History of Predatory Behavior from Well-Known Director Woody Allen Discovered

Early Thursday afternoon, I received an anonymous tip that Woody Allen was a gross, predatory motherfucker who has been hiding in plain sight his entire career. I promptly took steps to investigate these claims by Google-searching “Woody Allen” to immediately find several substantive, thoroughly researched and fact-checked reports of allegations made against Allen, published by countless legitimate news sources.

Not only did I discover in said Google search that Allen had an affair with his adopted daughter at the age of 21 and eventually married her, I also found a blog post in the New York Times from Allen’s daughter, Dylan, alleging that Allen molested her as a child. In addition, my Google search yielded that Dylan’s claims about her father resulted in a lawsuit in which the state attorney said he had enough probable cause to press charges against Allen.

If these allegations weren’t troubling enough on their own, I was made aware of a long career history of films that seems to openly celebrate Allen’s predatory behavior. From 1979’s Manhattan, a film in which Allen plays a 42-year-old comedy writer who dates a 17-year-old girl, to 2017’s Wonder Wheel, a movie about a man who has an affair with a woman until he becomes more interested in her step-daughter — Allen seems to have peppered his problematic lifestyle into the very work we still allow him to make.

I can only assume that, with the latest Allen film coming out this weekend during the height of The Great Sexual Predator Purge of 2017, the only reason this could be happening is because of a complete lack of awareness about Allen’s longstanding history of predatory behavior. I humbly accept full credit for bringing Allen’s past to light and ridding him from Hollywood upon publishing this report, which I assume will swiftly end his oft-lauded career.