How a Feminist Learned to Love Cooking?
For as long as I can remember, I have identified myself with the ‘F’ word, aka, a Feminist. It was everywhere around me, from strong feminist icons, to growing up in a family that was supportive of my choices, to a growing resentment against the patriarchal attitudes of many. My interpretation of ‘feminism’, and what it means to be one, kept evolving over time. From being fiercely anti- establishment, to rebel teen years, to arguing the case against superstitions and taboos, to questioning regressive practices, I grew up with a slightly warped idea of feminism, derived from my reality around me.
My idea of a strong independent woman, was someone who always broke away from the stereotypes, a non-conformist, and that’s what I always strived for. The idea of ever becoming a typical Indian ‘good wife’, who cooks, cleans, manages the house and kids, plus a job, was suffocating for me. I was a girl growing up in small town India, reading books and watching shows with strong female characters, Nancy Drew and Agent Scully I blame you! I day dreamed about running around the world to my own tune, being crazy, being free, breaking the rules meant to be followed.
The biggest casualty however of my feminist agenda was cooking. While I loved food, and trying out different cuisines, I always associated cooking with submission, a sign of patriarchy, something that I didn’t associate myself with. The typical Indian stereotype of a good daughter-in-law, who makes perfect rotis, was a bit much for me too stomach. I would tell many a prospective suitors, and sometimes haughtily, that I don’t cook and do not expect me to slave in the kitchen preparing meals for you. Ah! the misguided arrogance of youth. I laugh at that sometimes now! I knew some of my reluctance towards cooking was coming from the fact that it was a traditionally expected role. Even though I had grown up with excellent cooks all around me, from my mom, to my aunts, to even my father; it was still an idea that I rejected passionately, because it was tainted with the expectation that women cook and men eat. The comments and free advice from people, about, ‘if you can’t cook how will you get married’ was met with the expected, fierce opposition. Hence, without even trying my had at it, I just assumed this was something I didn’t like, because, hey I am an independent woman with a six figure salary!
Things started changing for me however, when I started experimenting with eating different kinds of food and cuisines. I enjoyed, heck, I loved it, and with each new morsel I tried, the more of a convert I became. I distinctly remember the first time I had authentic Italian pasta, the bite in the spaghetti, the light sauce that barely coated the pasta, and the freshness of flavors, and I was hooked. In India food like this came expensive, and the regular cafe’s just didn’t cut it for me no more. I wanted to try more of it and I wanted it exactly the way I liked it, i.e., perfect! Thanks to the internet and food blogs, I got some direction in terms of where to begin. The first dish I ever cooked was Italian, because the snob in me associated it with exotic and sophisticated food, not the Indian curry and chapatis! It wasn’t entirely a success, in reality it was a disaster, the sauce was watery, didn’t have any depth of flavor, the pasta was overcooked and sticky, in short one big mess. Instead of being discouraged, I felt even more determined to better myself. I felt I had to master to it, this was simple, and, the whole process of chopping, prepping and cooking was strangely enjoyable to me.
I surprised even myself by my new found passion for cooking. I was someone who hadn’t even cooked a proper omelette before, but was now spending hours going through cookbooks, shows and blogs to get the perfect recipe. This is pre-iPad era, so the usual scene in my kitchen would be my laptop in corner and me in another with the ingredient list, tapping periodically on the trackpad so that the screen doesn’t go blank. It used to be messy, but I have evolved as a cook now. Cooking gave me immense pleasure, and I wondered why I hated it so much, why I associated it with submission? When in reality, everytime, I put in the effort and cooked something, the happiness and excitement of my husband, friends and family was infectious. There is nothing that makes a cook happier than seeing the food they make disappear over delighted sounds of satisfaction. It was addictive, I had never pushed myself this way to learn something so completely new, on my own. I watched tons of shows, read whatever I could get hands on to understand what made the difference between good food and excellent food. Learnt of different flavor combinations, the respect for ingredients, the way visual presentation could change the way you tasted and experienced food, and, the simple joys of creating something that would bring a smile to people’s faces.
Cooking is such a primal activity. The basic act of sitting together over a meal and talking about your day’s adventure is something which we all enjoy. It is a life skill, one which everyone should know irrespective of your gender. Yet, the society, had taken something so enjoyable, and piled it on with the gender defined expectations. I battled with inner conflict for a while, as my definition of what I deemed progressive was changing; I was enjoying the very basic act of cooking for other people immensely. Then something changed, a tectonic shift seem to happen, and hallelujah, I was seeing things in a different light! I understood that my choice to cook and the happiness I derived from it was just that, and not a symbol of submission. Hence, it had nothing to do with modernity, or being cool. Cooking didn’t make me regressive, if anything it made me more in control, I had the power to decide what people were going to eat at my table.
I never had really understood feminism. It did not mean necessarily breaking away from all gender defined roles, it just meant having the freedom to do what you liked, without the pressure of expectations. To choose your path, whether it is cooking, or not cooking, being a homemaker or a career builder or both. I still identify myself as a feminist, and always will, but the idea of rebelling against everything has gone. Feminism has many forms, and in it’s new age avatar, it’s the one where we call for an equal world, where you cook with abandon and without the fear of being typecast into gender roles, because that’s what you love to do!
