How To Be A White Female: A Practical Guide
Passing, (the second half of Quicksand and Passing) by Nella Larson, is a story of a black woman who’s skin is so light she decides to pass as a white woman in her society. In the end she dies a mysterious death that may or may not be connected to the fact that she was really a black woman living in a wealthy, white world.
I read this book back in my third year of undergrad but I got to thinking about it today and wondered: what does it actually take to be a white female these days?
Here it goes:
Four Things That Make You A White Female In 2017
- Support Trump
There are a lot of polls that will tell you White Women are the reason that Trump won the election. Mostly, in my observations, middle-aged white women. If you support Trump, you also support White Feminism which maintains that only white women are women who deserve their rights. All other minority women are not important. You also low-key believe in radical racism — go build your wall, Ladies. You might have noticed that Trump is a huge misogynist. But misogyny is not just for men. If you support Trump you may also hold the idea that women are to be beautiful wives, homemakers, and exist to serve your husband.
I’ll stop there and let you soak all of that up.
2. Back The Blue
If you want to be a white woman in America you must believe wholeheartedly in your police force! Do not stand for anyone tarnishing the reputation of the boys in blue. Proudly post a Back The Blue sign in your front yard while you sip on your mason jar full of way-too-sweet sweet tea with lemon. Rest easy knowing that, while you text and drive down the highway in your pearl white SUV, that state trooper you just flew by is going to pull over this idiot that just cut you off because he’s on his phone! What a jerk.
3. Go Organic and Don’t Miss Yoga Tomorrow Morning
Yoga is super important. It balances your chi and helps you to become a better person every day! Don’t forget to nourish your body with a green smoothie from the organic, cruelty free, vegan smoothie place next door afterwards and donate to the Help The Homeless fund. Now go and take every bit of positivity and light that you gained and spread it to the girls in your book club while you read The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood and sip mimosas.
4. Make Your Own Money Selling It Works
Yes, your husband brings home the bacon but you need your own allowance too! It Works can be sold online through your seriously huge following on Facebook. It’s easy and totally not a pyramid scheme. You shouldn’t have to work a day job to make money! And then you can write a book and be a life coach for all those struggling girls you totally empathize with.
Disclaimer:
This is entirely satire.
No, I have absolutely nothing against Police. Yes, I think having a peace-keeping, rule-enforcing service in our country is absolutely necessary. However, I don’t think that every single one of their actions are excusable or justifiable.
My cousin sells It Works so I’m not bashing it entirely. It’s just not a real job and I’m wary of products like that as well as other pyramid schemes like it. I also don’t believe in “life coaches”. One person cannot teach you how to be the best you.
Yes. I do yoga. I love yoga.
I’m not commenting on Trump. You can guess how I feel.
