I Have A Sex Tape
Guys, gals, and non-binary pals, let’s talk about nude photos and videos.
I don’t actively keep up to date with the Kardashian-Jenner clan and their misadventures, for the very simple reason that I don’t particularly care. But recently, I saw a headline stating Rob Kardashian, brother to the Kardashian sisters and half-brother to the Jenner girls, has recently posted nude photos of his (presumably ex) fiancée Blac Chyna on Instagram without her consent.
This isn’t the first time a celebrity has leaked their partners explicit photos or videos, nor is it exclusively a thing men do to women.
Not too long enough, Leighla Schultz — the fiancée of professional wrestler Seth Rollins — leaked nude photos of him on her Twitter.
There are a lot of ways people respond to these events, but the one I see most often is judgement. You shouldn’t send nudes or let people make videos of you if you don’t want people to see them. You should know better.
The default for many is victim-blaming. But not for me.
I get angry at the person who leaked the pictures or video without permission because I know how easily these things can happen. And I know because it happened to me.
I have a sex tape.
April 2015. I’ve been at a wrestling show all evening and I’ve been drinking — not black-out drunk, but enough to lower my inhibitions. I’ve been hanging around with a group of trainees and, as we’re all at the same hotel, I’m walking back with them. I’m the only woman.
But I’m not scared. I’m twenty-four, but surprisingly naive. I think they’re treating me like one of the lads because why would they do anything else? I’m almost seventy pounds overweight and struggling with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Why would any of them want to have sex with me?
I even offer to let one of them share my hotel room. Not because I’m expecting to get lucky, but because they have too many for their own and I want to be nice. I want them to like me. I want to feel like one of the group.
One of them comes down from their room to mine. We’ll call him L. He’s a good-looking guy and I’m genuinely surprised when he starts kissing me. Why would somebody like that be interested in me? But he is, or so it seems. Nobody else ever has been. What if nobody else ever will? I can’t wreck this. This could be my only chance to be intimate with anyone.
So when he gets out his phone and asks if he can take pictures of me sucking his dick, I say yes.
Because I don’t know how to say no. Because I’m terrified nobody else will ever want me. Because I’m drunk and naive and mentally ill and so ashamed of the way I look.
When I try to add L on Facebook the next day, he ignores me. He messages me to say he wants to pretend it never happened at all. It hurts. Before the next show he’s on, I drink an entire bottle of vodka so I can cope.
It’s only much later that I find out the truth: he went to training, boasted to the other trainees (including a fourteen-year-old boy) about bedding me, and tried to show them the video.
Yes. Video.
L never asked if he could film me. Only if he could take photos. Would I have said yes? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. He also never asked if he could show other people, to which I would have definitely said no.
I have no idea if this video still exists. He could have deleted it since, or he could still have it on his phone, or he could have uploaded it to any number of porn websites. I don’t know and quite frankly, I’m not sure if I want to.
So what are the lessons here?
First and foremost, it’s okay to say no. If you aren’t comfortable with your partner making explicit photographs or videos, or with any action they take during sex, you are allowed to express discomfort.
It doesn’t matter who you are, how you look, or whether anybody else will ever want to have sex with you. You are a human being with intrinsic value and your security during sexual activity is paramount. You don’t need to compromise. You don’t need to settle.
But more importantly, if you do what L did, you’re a scumbag.
It doesn’t matter if you’re rich and famous or not or what your partner did. You’re still a scumbag. Did Blac Chyna cheat on Rob Kardashian? It doesn’t matter! He’s still a scumbag!
Did Seth Rollins cheat on Leighla Schultz? It doesn’t matter! She’s still a scumbag!
If a person shares nude photos or video with you, or lets you take photos or video of them performing sex acts, that is a sign of tremendous trust. Sharing those things with other people against their wishes is degrading, disgusting and downright despicable.
So stop. Stop violating others by sharing their photos without their consent. Stop blaming and shaming victims who put their trust in the wrong people. And stop sidelining your own needs in case you rock the boat, seem difficult, shout too loud and too long.
Because it’s toxic. Because it’s hurting people. And because we’re worth so much more than that.
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