I Regret Your Behaviour

Aged 6 and sitting on the kerb
A garbage bag with my clothes in it by my side
I wait for hours in the sun,
Every week.
But he never comes.
Aged 13 I’m wearing a new dress,
“Wanna Fuck?” a strange man screams at me
as he drives by.
Aged 14 I’m with a 16 year old boy
I don’t want to kiss him.
“Are you frigid or something?” he spits angrily.
Aged 15 and a 19 year old man
waits at the school gates for me to come out.
He follows me everywhere I go
He watches me.
Sometimes I come home and he is sitting on my front step
“Poor guy just likes you” the adults in my life say.
Aged 17 I’m on a train.
A man gets on and sits behind me.
I hear him masturbating
There is no one else in the carriage
I feel sick and scared.
Aged 18 I’m in the pub
the first of hundreds of strange men
reach out and grab my breasts or bum
some of them push their erection against me.
Aged 19 I’m walking down the street at night
A group of men pass by,
one of them stops
“I have to tell you, you have the most amazing body” he says
looking me up and down like I exist just for him to stare at.
I try and pretend I’m not scared and uncomfortable.
Aged 20 I’m drunk and I’m at my friends house
he gets into bed with me.
He’s naked.
He pushes me down and holds my head
firmly between his hands
“You like that don’t you?” he says.
He says other things too.
I try and forget them.
I cannot forget his hands gripping me.
I still hate being touched on my head.
Aged 21 and I’m sent home from work for wearing trousers.
“You girls have to wear skirts.” The manager says.
Aged 22 and I’m at a mate’s house.
He’s gay and he’s my best friend.
We’re in bed together, after a night out
when he suddenly pulls my pants down and puts his dick in me.
Aged 23 and I’m in the obstetrician's office
He talks to my partner not me
even though I’m the pregnant person.
Aged 27 and I’m covered in blood
I’m in the hospital
having a miscarriage
The doctor asks me why I’m crying.
He laughs at me
and when I won’t laugh at his joke about me
he gets angry.
Aged 31 I’m telling my friends
what my partner is doing to me
how he is hurting me
They make excuses for him
Tell me to stay.
Aged 37 I’m supporting women
after domestic abuse
the men in my town call me Bitch and Witch
they mount online hate campaigns
to try and stop me helping women.
Aged 38 I am at a dinner party
when a man tries to hug me
he grabs my face and sticks his tongue
in my mouth.
I contact his wife.
“I regret my behaviour” he says.
I regret his behaviour too.

