In Response to Dick Photos

As a support person in tech, I see my fair share of inappropriate photos, including the Dick Pic.

Who posts dick photos where dick photos do not belong? Men of all ages and sizes. When caught, sometimes they say the photo was uploaded ‘by accident.’

This is not believable. If you have ever said this, please rethink your strategy. No one believes you accidentally removed your pants, shaved your area, got yourself aroused, put a remote control next to your dick, took a photo, added a filter, and then uploaded the photo — by accident.

I do not see many reports of female genitalia. I do not think women post their vaginas with the same fervor as men post their penises, and, if they do, they don’t get reported. I must admit, and maybe this is my bias, so men, help me out: I don’t think the average man would see a shaved pussy on their screen and think “Disgusting! I must report this immediately! This isn’t what I’m here for!”

Dick Pics usually feature a hairless member and a standardized item for scale. A water bottle, a pencil, a banana. Otherwise, how would you know how big it is? This is the most critical information that must be conveyed.

Of course, you want to pick a flattering object. If you have a penis of average girth, you do not want to use a coke can for scale. You don’t want to invite that comparison. So you pick something a bit thinner than your dick. Much better.

I’ve seen hairless balls next to remote controls, water bottles, and an assortment of fruits and vegetables. Fruit of the Loom, indeed.

But who are these dick photos for? I’m not sure if they are really for the women. It seems more of a hobby for the men, to assert their own existence. To guarantee themselves and the world that they do indeed have a dick, and they have a dick that is bigger than other objects in our world. They have a dick that takes up time and space.

This is the part that is more interesting to me than the Dick Pic itself. I’ve seen plenty of women say, “That’s gross, I don’t want to see that.” But maybe the Dick Pic isn’t actually for women. Maybe it’s the equivalent of putting on hours of contouring makeup and taking a selfie. I keep waiting for a man to self-righteously say, “This dick pic isn’t for YOU. It’s for ME.”

So I would like to recognize that your dick pics are not actually for me. They are an expression of your identity as a man. I accept it for what it is: You don’t actually care if I masturbate to your dick, or roll my eyes, or say “ew, that’s gross.” Any reaction is a good reaction because it affirms that you and your dick are, in fact, real.

Also, it gives me a job.

I write stuff. Check out my books. Or head over here if you don’t wanna read that much, but still want to show support.