“It’s Because He Likes You”
My friend has an 8 year old daughter Kate who recently was being harassed by a boy at school. The boy would take any chance he could to touch her and would stare at her across the classroom. He would rush to stand next to her in the line, pushing his body against hers. Kate was frightened of this boy and didn’t like the way he behaved towards her. It made her feel scared and uncomfortable.
When Kate told her Dad what was happening he said that the boy was probably behaving that way “Because he likes you.” He laughed it off as if his daughter should be taking it as a compliment.
Kate’s Mother however (who was divorced from the Dad) was concerned about what was happening to her child and distressed by the Dad’s response. She pursued the matter with the school, against the wishes of her ex-husband.
She told her daughter,
“When someone is mean to you, doesn’t respect your boundaries or personal space or makes you feel uncomfortable then that is NOT a sign that they like you.” She said. “It’s a sign that the other person would like to control you and that they are not a safe person to be around.”
The message that many of us who were raised as girls got was that we should expect a certain amount of negative, scary or painful behavior from the boys who like us. The statement (and underlying value system of) “He just likes you” is the starting point for a plethora of dangerous ideas and beliefs. The statement blames the victim for feeling uncomfortable with something that she is assured is socially acceptable. She learns that unhealthy relating is normal in her society and that she should be feeling flattered, not upset by a male giving her unwanted attention. This statement introduces girls to the idea that they can’t and shouldn’t trust their own gut feelings.
Telling girls “He just likes you” in response to acts of violence or coercion normalises and glorifies men’s violence and/or attempts to be controlling.
Most parents I think, want their children to grow up with a healthy sense of bodily autonomy, a knowledge of their boundaries, how to set and enforce them and values consistent with being able to relate respectfully to others. These same parents would not like to think they were priming their kids for a life of domestic abuse or sexual assault. And yet what else are we doing when we laugh off and normalise boy’s violence towards our daughters?
Kids know the implication of “He likes you”, they know it means something more than a friendship. As they get older they know it means he fancies you, he wants to go out with you. By linking the abuse/attacks/threats and other creepy behaviors with romance we do our children a grave disservice.
The girl who grows up hearing “It’s because he likes you” will soon be a teenager. I wonder would her Dad view a teenage boy rubbing up against her without seeking consent to be ok? What about when she is an adult, would he think it was fine if a grown man made every effort to follow his daughter around, touch her and stares at her for long periods when she has explicitly asked him to go away and leave her alone?
The time to teach children values about respecting themselves and others is when they are tiny. The same ideas of respecting each others bodies and space that we expect from adults should be applied to children.
The problem with the ‘boys will be boys’ attitude is that boys who are raised in this consequence-free world will soon be teenage boys and then adults. It’s not so ‘cute’ when a teenage boy or grown man follows a woman around or rubs up against them without consent. In adult life that is sexual assault and stalking. Acts that could see the perpetrator jailed. What else is a boy to think is normal though if this behavior has been treated as normal and ‘cute’ his whole life to date?
We know that extreme acts of gender-based violence are rooted in the casual everyday sexism of common place phrases and ideas.
“Boys will be Boys” is another well known example of a statement that bestows a frightening level of inherent evil on boys while at the same time relinquishing and absolving them of any responsibility for their actions. “He did it because he likes you” is another of these insidious phrases, these words, ideas and phrases inform the mindset of police who persuade rape victims not to press charges and judges who give self-confessed rapists no jail time and, perhaps more importantly they inform the mindset of the men who think it is ok to rape and abuse women.
Fortunately for Kate her Mum was able to teach her that what was happening to her was wrong. When Kate’s Mum told the school they let Kate know that what had happened to her inappropriate and wrong. They made sure adults kept a close eye on the boy’s behavior and let Kate know she could come to them anytime with any concerns she had.
Hopefully the school’s reaction and Kate’s Mum’s response will be enough to convince Kate that our society doesn’t share her father’s view that she should be expected to put up with, and be flattered by assault.
