Loopholes in Paradise
We are asking all the wrong questions about alcohol and sexual violence.
I have to confess that I don’t watch any of the Bachelor/Bachelorette properties, but the story emerging out of Bachelor in Paradise is more than just a little bit familiar. It’s the story of hundreds of thousands of acts of sexual violence every single year.
Person A is drunk. Person B is less drunk, more drunk, or perhaps not drunk at all — it doesn’t really matter. Persons A and B engage in some sort of sex or sexual contact. Sometimes the story takes a slightly different turn along the way. Maybe they got drunk together, or maybe Person B spotted Person A stumbling out of the bar at last call. That doesn’t really matter either. Because consent that relies on the intoxicating effect of alcohol is no consent at all, and sexual contact without consent is an act of violence, carrying with it the potential for enormous trauma and pain.
But this story about violence and trauma almost always immediately devolves into a story about blood alcohol concentration. And in the case of Bachelor In Paradise, that’s exactly what happened.
How drunk was she? Are you saying two drunk people can rape each other? How was DeMario supposed to know? But what if X? What if Y? What if Z?
Y’all talk about alcohol like you’ve never had it before.
These are all the wrong questions. There is only one question when it comes to consent: are you 100% certain that your partner is 100% interested in sexual activity at this moment in time? Consent isn’t about doing the bare minimum the law requires to keep you out of jail. Consent is about being a decent enough human being to not have sex with someone who might not want to. Forget how drunk they are, forget how drunk you are — are you 100% sure or not? You willing to bet your life on it or not?
That’s it. Full stop. Miss me with the eternal quest for alcohol-related loopholes. Because all this search for loopholes tells me is that you’re ok hurting someone as long as you can save face at the end with some excuse.
And your own drunkenness is the sorriest excuse of them all. Alcohol doesn’t eject your moral compass and send it burning into the atmosphere. If you’re too drunk to be certain if your partner can give a 100% enthusiastic yes, you’re too drunk to be having sex yourself. Put it in the same category as something else you’d never do while drunk, like — I dunno, murder.
Here’s what we do know — alcohol is THE weapon of choice when it comes to sexual violence, and sexual violence is incredibly common. Rapists use the cover and cloud of alcohol, both in the moment and afterwards, to disguise their violence. They use your “innocent” questions about alcohol-related loopholes to cover their own tracks.
I’m not ok with hurting people, so following this rule has meant that there were nights where I *could* have had sex with a consenting partner and I didn’t because I couldn’t be sure. Guess what — the world continued to spin. And guys, I get it. I know we’ve been told since early childhood that our masculinity, nay, our entire self-worth in this world, is all tied up in sleeping with women.
It’s a lie. And the sooner you let go of that lie, the happier and healthier you will be, and the happier and healthier your relationships will be. Because the worst thing that happens to you is you don’t get laid. But for the person you’re with, the worst thing that happens is violation and trauma. If that person really wants to have sex, it can wait until sobriety sets in; if, when sobriety sets in, your partner doesn’t want to have sex THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE HAVING SEX-THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN RAPE.
It’s that simple. So instead of engaging in the latest ethical gymnastics over when it’s ok to have sex with someone who is incapacitated, take an Advil, drink some Gatorade, and ask in the morning.
You, and everyone around you, will thank me for it.
Tahir Duckett is the Founder and Executive Director of ReThink, a sexual violence prevention organization working with adolescent boys in Washington, DC. Follow him on Twitter @TahirDuckett.
