Married Woman, Do Not Isolate Thyself
It is natural as we get older to seek and subdivide into the groups of people we have more in common with. When we are young, the only thing children need to have in common is the pressing need to play. As we get older, we begin to form and shape our “tribe” sometimes by societal construct (our schools, neighborhoods, income bracket, education level, race, careers etc), by choice, or by our common interests. What we often discover over time is that while certain relationships are built to last a lifetime, some are important for only a specific time period, and may not fit into our lives once the necessary elements are out of sync.
I have always found it very interesting that sometimes as women get older, they start to lose their tribe, while men to do not. Why do women struggle to remain friends with other women, especially unmarried ones?
Let’s face it: being married is regarded as a holy grail for women. The socio-cultural perspective of marriage as a whole packages it as something women aspire to, and men give in to. Women are squealing blushing brides who have been planning every aspect of their perfect wedding to their dream man since they were 12 years old, foaming at the mouth to erase their identities and become Mrs. “insert name”, and men are reluctant bachelors who will now have to exchange their freedom for a ball and chain and picket fences. This ideology is taken even further in patriarchal African societies like Nigeria, where more importance is placed on a woman being married than being educated. Being married washes away all sins, and sets you apart as someone worthy and to be respected, as you are now attached to a man.
Therefore, you cannot blame women who fall into the rabbit hole of measuring their ‘wholeness’ and life success by their ability to find and keep a mate. Once you buy into the false ideas of superiority based on marital status, it is virtually impossible for the married or single counterpart to peacefully co-exist. As a by product of this, a lot of married women feel they have, and are often encouraged, to drop their single friends.
I see it all the time: women who are pressured by their husbands to end all social contact with their unmarried friends, stereotypes about unmarried she-devils ready to disrupt your marital home, women encouraged to ditch friends and focus on marriage, advice from other married women not to entrust the inner workings of your home to friends, to keep your problems and disputes out of the ears of eager friends who are ready to take you down, the disapproving clucks at women who are aging gracefully in their singlehood and keeping their social and romantic lives active; and yes, while I am sure some of these claims have merit in some instances, I just find it interesting that once again, this narrative is conveniently absent in male relationships.
“Boys nights out” “hall passes” “Boys trips” “stag-do’s” are concepts that are iron clad in our gender contracts: we are accustomed to the idea of men moving in a pack, men needing their man time, men needing to escape, men smoking their cigars and throwing back their whiskey; it is never questioned whether the men are hanging out with their single or married counterparts. In fact, the position of “bachelor” is more revered than that of a married man, and men are ever ready to aid, cover up or cosign their friends lies. But this is the complete opposite with women: women are pitted against each other, groomed to distrust each others motives, tangled in a tale of envy. Unmarried women are touted as irresponsible, having “failed” at dating, promiscuous if they still lead active social lives (after all, one must gracefully accept their spinsterhood), bitter and envious of married friends and mostly having diabolical intentions, while married women supposedly step into the role of judgmental Janie and superior Susan.
I think this is all total bullshit. Why do we always cast women as these unbalanced creatures who cannot know their own mind? The fact is, women who cultivate and maintain good friendships throughout the course of their lives are more balanced and happier than those who do not. Even more so, I think it is extremely important for (well-adjusted) married women to have a good mix of (well-adjusted) married and single friends, especially friends who are unmarried by choice.
Society tends to place more emphasis on women putting more focus and energy into their husbands and children, and while that isn’t a bad thing, and a lot of women tend to lose their identities in their marriages and become more isolated as they get older.
It is healthy to carve out time to continue to grow into yourself and to have your own life and interests outside of your family. What often happens is that women find themselves lonely in their older years, while men have an active roster of friends, and children have moved on to start their own lives. On an average Friday evening, my dad is off to play tennis and afterwards kick it with the boys; this just being the tennis sect, not the work friends, bros or long time friends. My mother is home flipping channels on the tv. Her social life is a mix of family events, with only her sisters and a splattering of in laws and acquaintances to call friends. She played her role, is a good wife, put her life and career aside to be a mother and focus on her family and along the way, she has lost her tribe and replaced them with those she has come to be around over the course of her marriage. It seems she will never again experience the warmth of a great girl-friendship. I find this tends to be the same story for majority of Nigerian women.
Men who have a lot of friends tend to look and act younger, while women who don’t tend to look and act older, because that is what friendship does: it keeps you young & silly. It’s the platform for cracking inappropriate jokes and saying things you won’t say out loud to anyone else. It is where you find like minded people you can be yourself with, where you blow off steam when your husband or kids are pissing you off. It is where your trusted confidante can keep a secret that you will never admit to your spouse till your dying day. It is where you hear hard hitting advice from those who love you and only want what is best for you. It is where you are encouraged to have a bit of inappropriate fun. It is where you are a young girl again with no cares or worries, just kicking back with your girlfriends.
Married couples end up having “married couple” friends, which creates for awkwardness and friction in the case of divorce. If they were all your husbands friends and their wives, guess who becomes the social pariah? This is why it is important to have your own circle.
A husband who does not want his wife to have friends wants to keep her insecure and dependent on him.
We forget the importance of friendship until we do not have it, or even worse until we need it; when we need a shoulder to cry on, and someone to pat us on the back and say everything will be okay, when we need a judgement free zone to vent out all life’s anger and frustrations, when we need a backbone or support mechanism when we simply aren’t strong enough. When we fall apart and need someone there to glue us back together. When we need someone outside of family to give us a fresh perspective.
So I say to women: Grow and cultivate your friendships outside of your marriage. Do not listen to those that will discourage you from keeping friends, in fact, make friends not only with married women but with single women. Single women aren’t sexed up desperados in dresses: society is simply terrified by a woman who doesn’t play by the rules, and it helps knowing that being single doesn’t equal being miserable. Enjoy the thrill of each other’s stories and have conversations that don’t involve men and babies. It is just as great to have different world views, as it is to have people to compare notes with. Go on group trips or retreats. Make deliberate time to spend with other women, on your own, so your entire life doesn’t revolve around your husband and/or kids. Have a social life, and create time for you to be YOU.
You will be much happier for it.
You will be more confident for it.
You will have a healthier and more well rounded life.
Don’t expect people to one day be there for you, when you haven’t taken the time out to be there for them. Here is what married women might not admit: having a partner does not equate to being whole and being loved. There are things found in friendships that cannot be found anywhere else, even in the best of relationships. And as for the continued stereotype of women not supporting one another, contrary to popular belief:
No one will have as much empathy as another woman.
No one will understand, like another woman.
No one will support you, like another woman.
No one will cry with you, like another woman.
If you don’t believe me, you just need better friends.
Thank you for reading my article. If you enjoyed reading this, please click the little green heart at the bottom of the page, and don’t forget to share with a friend or two:) Thank you!
