Me, Too

I was never raped, but I could have been. Back in college, I was at a beach party for employees of a restaurant. It was getting late, and my friend who had driven me had already left, so another friend offered to drive me home. It was too late when I realized that I would be unable to get back into my dorm because the curfew was 10 pm and it was already 10:15. My “friend” offered to let me stay at his apartment, but I didn’t feel comfortable since he lived with a bunch of other guys. I asked him to take me to a hotel a few blocks from my college. When I opened the door, he followed me in and pushed me down roughly on the bed with all his 250 pounds of weight on top of me. I told him “no,” but he began to kiss me hard and wouldn’t let me up. I was frightened and felt I had no other choice but to take him into my mouth. It makes me sick to write this, but it was a better choice for me than letting him inside me. I never thought I’d been raped, but now I wonder. Was I raped?

I was never raped, but I could have been. During grad school I was working at another restaurant in Malibu and living at home. A group of guys came in, and immediately one of them began to linger at the hostess station. He was cute, and I was enjoying the attention. After they finished dinner, he came over to me to say goodnight and asked for my number. He was going back home to the east coast in a couple of days and wanted to know if I would get together with him the next day. I accepted. A few minutes later, he came back into the restaurant and said his friends had left without him. I offered to take him back to the house where he was staying as soon as I got off work. When he invited me in, I took him up on it without any hesitation. We had a drink and talked and kissed for a while. When he unzipped the back of my dress, I zipped it back up. I was frightened when he became even more aggressive with his hands. I feared for my safety, and not knowing what to do, I reached over and took him into my mouth. It makes me sick to write this, but it was a better choice for me than letting him inside me. I never thought I’d been raped, but now I wonder. Was I ?

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