Should We Expect Men to Read Body Language?

So let’s talk about Aziz Ansari.

Or rather, let’s talk about the conversation surrounding the article in babe about the encounter that occurred between Ansari and the young woman he went on a date with.

I’ll assume you’ve read the article. I won’t spend time summarizing it, especially not in a way that only suits my interests, as some opposition pieces have.

I’ve been really emotional about some of the responses to the story that “Grace” told, mostly written by women and shared on my feed by men. The Atlantic opinion piece, written by a woman of an older generation, ascribes a malicious intent to us young white feminists. Like our entire goal is to destroy men’s careers by writing, as she called it, revenge porn. On the other hand, the NY Times opinion piece states in accusatory language that it was unfair to expect him to “read her mind” and that sharing stories like this imply that women are weak and have no agency.

I was trying to figure out why these responses were making me so upset. There are some valid points to be made in these op-eds. Why couldn’t I analyze them rationally and examine both sides of the argument in a clinical, logical manner?

Because I have been Grace so many times I can’t count them. And you can’t examine a situation impartially when you are inside it.

I am 31 years old now and engaged to basically the most decent, thoughtful man I’ve ever met. I don’t have awkward hookups anymore. The most awkward thing in our relationship is that his cat likes me more than he likes my fiance. But when I was 22, as Grace was at the time of her encounter, I was trying to travel through the minefield that is dating and seeking relationships in the 21st century.

There are a lot of expectations to navigate as a single woman seeking a relationship with a man. Some of your own making, some of society’s making, and some that are a little of both. There are rules. Even if you don’t like them, you have to follow them if you want to date and find a relationship.

How do you walk the fine line between showing your interest and rushing into a physical relationship? Which is worse, being a prude or being a tease?

Have you ever changed your mind about what you wanted while on a date? I have. I have been on first or second dates that were going well, well enough that I wasn’t quite ready to end the night, but dinner was over and I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, so he suggested his place for coffee or to watch some TV and I know what that means but I wasn’t completely against the idea of making out so I said sure, let’s go to your place. Then we get to his place and we stand there awkwardly looking at each other and so he starts kissing me. Maybe he’s a good kisser, maybe he’s not, but somehow we end up on his bed and he’s trying to take off my shirt and I realize that I don’t even know his middle name or where he works.

Then he tries to unbutton my pants and I’ve just this minute decided I don’t want to do that and now I’m uncomfortable. I move his hand away from my pants, but if I say to stop now, I’m a tease. Because I agreed to go out with him and I let him pay for dinner and I didn’t stop him from kissing me. This is what I wanted, right? If I say “stop, I don’t want that,” he’ll think at the very least I was leading him on. I’ve met him maybe twice. Does he have a temper? Will he stop if I ask him to? He surely won’t go out with me again.

I’m not sure what to do now. So I just lay there rigidly, no longer kissing back, with tension running throughout my entire body. I’m not smiling or making any sort of encouraging noises as he keeps running his hand over my lifeless body. He doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the fact that I’ve stopped participating in this encounter. On some occasions, the man would get his hand down my pants and roughly fumble around a dry, dry desert.

My essential question, Grace’s essential question, many women’s essential question is: Is it reasonable to expect a man to read these nonverbal cues and stop? I barely know him, and he barely knows me. But surely you can tell when you are engaging a frozen, silent person in sexual activity?

Please read my screaming body language. Please don’t make me tell you to stop.

But he either can’t tell or chooses to ignore it. So I’m left with the choice of saying no and facing unknown consequences, or doing something I no longer want to do.

Grace was stronger than me on many occasions. She said no, I don’t want to do this. Most of the time, I made the choice to give the guy a blowjob because I just wanted it to be over, and a blowjob, in my view, is less invasive and intimate than intercourse. Then I could leave, feeling gross and unheard and like I’d rather just be single with 12 cats than keep doing this whole repugnant dating thing. They’re all the same, I’d say, just like Grace.

Whose fault is it? Ansari? The various guys who didn’t read my signals? Mine? Society’s?

“He can’t read your mind,” so many men say. But how many women wouldn’t recognize if their partner went rigid and cold?

Of course, there is a huge difference between a lack of enthusiastic consent and sexual assault. I don’t think this type of behavior is sexual assault. But what is it? Misconduct? Abuse of power? Selfishness? Or is it simply a woeful lack of perceptiveness?

I rode home crying many times. Because I expected more out of someone I enjoyed enough to date.

Is it too much to expect out of a man I’ve met once or twice? Is it too much to expect out of a public figure who claims to be a champion of women’s choices and empowerment and who has written a book and TV show about the nuances of dating and relationships?

I don’t know. I don’t think Ansari deserves the consequences that men who have committed far worse crimes have faced. But I do think we live in a culture that says it’s okay for men to not read and interpret cues because they are expected to have a one-track mind when it comes to sex. It smells distinctly of blaming date rape victims because what did you expect if you wore that dress and went to his apartment? He can’t help himself. He has a penis.

Again, because the internet is a dark and terrible place, let me reiterate once again that I do not view what happened with Ansari and Grace to be rape or even assault. But it IS a facet of rape culture. And to dismantle rape culture, we need to speak about what happens and how it makes us feel.

Good luck out there, ladies.