Simplicity of Age

A True Story From Long Ago So Greatly Needed Now

Aging has its challenges — needing more rest and feeling less rested after resting; kneeling, stooping, and squatting are nearly impossible; jumping out of bed is hazardous; losing balance is terrifying; running is measured in feet rather than miles, if at all; and housework is done in bits and pieces and spurts.

Aging also has its advantages — not giving damn about, well, pretty much everything that has to do with the opinions of others; finally letting go of dieting, calorie counting, and scale obsession; having the wisdom to know what really matters; embracing simplification.

My great-aunt Helen, a traditional New England Yankee who migrated to Florida, was my teacher of simplicity. In spite of her impressive bank balance and stock portfolio, she lived a simple but satisfying life. She had an attractive condo a half mile from the Atlantic Ocean when she could have afforded one on the beach. Of all the condos in her area and in her complex, hers was one of the least expensive. A comfortable but small 2-bed/2-bath unit was enough for her.

Aunt Helen’s gift was knowing when enough is enough.

She had few things. Those she possessed were treasures, not rick-rack. She wore stylish clothes but her wardrobe was small and easily interchangeable. Her only extravagance was traveling and that she budgeted carefully.

Aunt Helen knew how to take a complex matter and simplify it, how to separate the chaff from the wheat.

On a long-ago visit with Aunt Helen, my then-husband and I were having a post-dinner conversation with her. It was February, springtime in South Florida, when heat and humidity had not yet taken up residence for the summer. Her patio doors were open and a flower-scented breeze swirled around us.

We were discussing politics. Aunt Helen knew more about the political state of our country than I ever have. Her Yankee conservatism rankled my leftish leanings but our conversations were always pleasant and surprisingly fun.

We were discussing the Desert Storm War in Kuwait, which was winding down, and the general state of conflicts and unrest in the Middle East.

Aunt Helen cleared her throat, smoothed her hands down the length of her Alfred Dunner skirt, as she always did before making a definitive statement:

All the wars, conflicts, and problems in the world could be solved by good manners. If everyone exercised good manners we’d having nothing to fight about.

My husband and I exchanged worried glances. Was this a sign of beginning dementia in my 88-year-old aunt?

How ludicrous to blame the problems of the world on bad manners! Definitely a sign of mental decline.

We nervously changed the subject, later discussing her mental state, agreeing she might have the beginnings of mental decay.

Later, sleepless in bed, her words bounced around in my head and it occurred to me that they may have been the wisest words she ever uttered.

Sometimes simplicity is overlooked, dismissed, and ridiculed because it is — well, simple. We think of simple as stupid when in reality it may just be uncomplicated and uncomplicated is a sign of wisdom.

When problems are complex, like world peace, simple may be the answer. Perhaps, Aunt Helen was a true sage.

Think about it, if I consider your feelings and speak politely and reasonably to you, how could we ever fight? If we use manners and our inside voices to discuss our disagreements, how could we end up in a conflict? If I respect you and you respect me, our solutions would be equitable and sensible. We would have measured discussions, not shouting matches.

Negotiation tables should be manned by manners. Peace agreements should be penned with civility.

Bombs are rude. Invasions are impolite. Breaking your word is bad manners. Doesn’t get more simple than that.

I laid in bed on a warm South Florida night in February and realized my great-aunt was the wisest person I knew.

All the problems of the world are caused by bad manners.

Next time you feel the heat of anger rising, next time you feel hurt or retaliatory, don’t yell or curse or strike out. Remember your best manners and put them to action. Be polite. Be considerate. Listen. Speak calmly. Consider the other side. Be judicious. Smile. Offer a cup of coffee or a glass of water.

Above all, be polite and see what a difference it makes.