Stop waiting for me to come out. I am out.

You can joke about me being a lesbian all you want, it doesn’t make it true

Madelaine Hanson
Aug 9, 2017 · 3 min read

I like women. I like men. I’m not worried about not liking guys. I’m not pretending. Why are you trying to erase my sexuality?

I’m sorry I don’t fit into your little boxes

“Gosh, aren’t you masculine!” an older friend gushes, as I stridently discuss sex selection with zero attempts to belittle my own understanding. No softeners, no ‘I-think’s and no half hearted modesty to appear more desirably humble. I sat through the exams, I read all my books and research papers, I’m going to own this. But confidence makes me masculine, apparently. As does my interest in human biology. So, obviously, I must be a lesbian. Except I’m not.

Something about me is compensating, according to the conservatives. Either my feminine side is trying to cover my masculine traits, or I’m secretly ashamed of being a woman and try to do ‘man’ things. This is all wrong. I’m just doing me. Nowhere does my inability to follow normal gender and sexuality lines freak out hetero people more than my bisexuality. They just cannot comprehend that femininity and masculinity are both beautiful, sexy and attractive to me.

I don’t really mind, but when people start insisting I’m actually a lesbian around men, I get a touch frustrated. Not least because it isn’t true. Yes, I’m strident, open about my feelings for the same sex, and often unapologetically low voiced and dominant, but that doesn’t overrule my feelings towards men, or make me not a cisgendered bisexual female. Why is it so hard to believe that I can love different things in different people? I’m tired of being asked when I’m going to come out. I’ve loved men as deeply as I have loved women, I’ve cried over them, lusted after them, obsessed over them as much as any heterosexual woman. But for some reason that is invalidated by the fact I feel the same way for women.

Heterosexual women flirt with me, biting their lips and sashaying their hips, asking me way too personal questions about my sexuality. If I politely tell them I don’t fancy them, they are always shocked, and ask what is wrong with them for me to not be interested. To this I usually point out a random guy and ask what’s wrong with him. They look puzzled, go a bit red and say it’s different, because obviously if I like women I must have the same rampant stereotypical urges as the average 20 year old man. Well they don’t say that. But it’s obvious what they mean.

You can either have the sexuality of a heterosexual man, or the sexuality of a heterosexual woman. Anything else is freakish, strange. This is dumb because I know most of the gay community have a far more nuanced, complex and blurred sexuality than that. I’ve known gay men- yes, gay- who have had one off passions for women and lesbians who have fallen madly in a one off with a man. Why don’t they say they are bisexual? For the same reason I don’t say I am a lesbian. It isn’t usually true. They don’t usually like men and women, just as I don’t usually like just women or just men.

I’m sorry I can’t be Ellen Generes. I’m sorry I’m not butch and I don’t wear tracksuits or have a shaved head. I’m sorry I’m not entirely femme. I’m sorry I’m not your little neat stereotype of what a woman or a bisexual woman can be. But I’m not going to lie to make things easier for you.

I like men and women.

Deal with it.

Athena Talks

A hub of conversation to help young women mature, budding professionals become leaders and leaders become advocates for equality.

Madelaine Hanson

Written by

23 year old with an awful lot to say about everything. Opinions entirely my own. Usually. Email me at m.l.hanson@outlook.com

Athena Talks

A hub of conversation to help young women mature, budding professionals become leaders and leaders become advocates for equality.

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