What To Wear In Trump’s America: A Guide For Babes

Now that we know how dapper the men of the Alt-Right look, we’ve just got to keep up.

1) Nothing. Look, if you’ve got a body like a supermodel, being naked is fine. Just put your pussy right out there. And just as a helpful reminder: you should have a body like a supermodel. Anything else is frankly disgusting to look at. Here’s a helpful formula: 10s should wear 0 items of clothing. 9s should wear one item of clothing. And so on.

2) A coat slung over your shoulders, as if were placed there by a man. This will both keep you warm and allow you to function as a clothes hanger. See, there are roles for women in the Trump administration!

3) Round toed neutral heels. Strive for footwear as inoffensive as Steve Bannon is horrifically offensive. Added bonus: it will still be difficult for you to outrun people.

4) A male disguise. Honestly, it’s going to make it much, much easier to get coveted post Trump jobs like Secretary of State, gold toilet polisher and newly revealed son.

5) A Make America Great Again Hat. What a fun way to hide any of your blonde flyaway hairs! Women with flyaway hair will be placed under house arrest with Carly Fiorina and Rosie O’Donnell.

a. Your hair should be blonde unless you are “exotic” (“ethnic”)

b. It goes without saying it should also be long. Short hair is for men and hunting dogs.

6) A t-shirt “I’m the bitch” to go with your husband’s “If You Can Read This The Bitch Fell Off” motorcycle T-shirt. In Trump’s America your husband does not need to wear the companion t-shirt.

7) Anything from Ivanka Trump’s line. Like this dress she wore after the convention. Or the $10,000 bracelet she tried to sell on her 60 minutes. Or the sleek and stylish dress she will definitely wear to Trump’s impeachment.

8) Whatever is in that box of clothes leftover from his ex-wife. They still smell like her. If you love him, you’ll do this for him.

9) That last one wasn’t really a fair hit on Trump. If anything, he wants to forget he ever had older wives.

10) A chastity belt with an eagle on it. Mike Pence would approve. No, literally, he’ll be approving them individually.

11) A planned Parenthood Walk-A-Thon t-shirt. Halloween only. Scare your neighbors with the ghost of a woman’s right to chooooooooose.

12) White. You could say that it’s the supreme color for all your garments.

13) Your new uniform! It’s gonna be gold lame booty shorts, so I hope you look good in that.

a. Ironically, your new uniform will still be made in China.

14) Just dress up as Donald Trump. It’s all he really wants and no one does it properly. Eric tries so hard. Eric doesn’t try hard enough.

15) The latest Moscow fashions — hint, they’re Paris’s fashion trends from 8 years ago.

16) Your Hillary t-shirt under a pantsuit. Fuck it. Sleep in it. Shower in it. Don’t take it off for the next four years. I’m not giving up, and neither should you.