Why I Can’t Speak My Mind

Time and time again I’ve been hearing from people that “confidence is sexy.” That people like girls who are not afraid to do what they want. Girls who don’t care what people think of them.
I’m saying girls because, this is an issue that I don’t feel applies to men as much (although I’m not saying it doesn’t happen to men).
On the outside I look as though I am one of those girls. I look as though I am confident, I say what I want because I don’t care about the consequences. This is far from the truth. Yes, over the years I have gotten more confident in who I am and what I am trying to do with my life but, when I speak up about something I am turned away immediately.
When speaking my mind, as a girl, I’m apparently allowing people to write me off as a bitch or it’s giving people the opportunity to call me caddy and jealous. As someone who suffers daily from the weight of judgements, it’s hard to try and say what I want in the first place and when I finally have the chance to actually say something because it’s bothering me (for example, someone chewing gum very loudly near me) I’m told to go shove it or that no one actually gives a crap.
Now, here I am as a starting stand up comedian in Toronto, and I am getting criticized for what I am talking about. How is it that I got to choose a profession that allows me to say what I want but then get slandered for it right after? I firmly believe that I have the right to make the same type of jokes that men do without these consequences.
It is unfair that a guy can talk about his one night stand with a woman and how awful or good it was but, when a woman does the exact same thing it is “kind of bitchy” or “attention seeking”. Either that or the woman is written off as a slut because she just spent 5 minutes talking about having a one night stand with a man she didn’t know. It’s a common issue that has been addressed but, nothing has been done to fix it.
I’m still afraid to speak my mind, even though I am getting better at it, it’s still a constant struggle to do. The slandering I have received from other comics/ regular people is one of the sole reasons why I avoid going to open mics which makes it harder for me to become known in the community.
I admire the girls who are confident and are not seen as bitches for it. But, it’s either something that they have always been able to do or something that they had to established over time. Nonetheless, it’s these women that should be looked up to.
I hope in time to come, we can actually push past everything and focus primarily on what’s being said and not who is saying it.