This ain’t the Titanic. Just stay afloat.
Letter to all the single mothers
How have you been doing ladies? I am hearing mixed reactions. Happy. Free. Loving my motherhood. Lonely. Need a partner. I feel my child needs a father. Mixed responses. Let’s fix this a bit today. Yeah?
I was talking to a friend the day before. She told me that she lost her husband a few months ago and that she must get married for the child she had with her husband. She told me when people around her ask her to get married again, she feels right about it. She feels it is difficult for her to make arrangements for her child to travel, to go out and study, to arrange for finances and strangely, even that she cannot give her child good values all alone. She feels a father is a very important figure that her child requires. Indeed, the only one who would protect her.
While she was talking, I felt a form of escapism in her conversation. She wanted a husband because she believes that she is incompetent to take care of her child. She feels that at her age, which just 36, it is too late to begin a career, it is too late to become somebody. She feels that her femininity would not be able to protect both of them. She feels vulnerable to the masculinity around her.
Justified thoughts. She is from a small town. She has lived a life where she got married by 24, wasn’t allowed to pursue much as per her interests, forced into a subject which didn’t excite her much. She raised her child, lost her husband to this disease, spent her 10+ years being a housewife. She barely trusts her instincts for her interests. Never travelled alone. Just learnt to drive a two-wheeler so that travelling could be made easy for her kid.
I have had similar experiences with such mothers around me. Not all, but majority carry such fears, self-doubt, insecurity.
A question- We know we were someone before him. We know we had a life without him. Years back, you had your interests to pursue, your life to be lived, your love for travel. I get your point that life changed after marriage and a child, but then, who asked you to lose yourself to them? Was it written in your marriage agreement that, after you get married or without him being around, you must never engage in any activity which gave you trust, freedom and independence?
NO! It was your choice to be deprived of all the privileges which you wanted for yourself. It was your choice to choose him above yourself. It was your choice to sacrifice yourself for your child’s needs. It was your choice to bear with his ‘not and don’ts’. You didn’t fight against the world for your interests. You didn’t stand for yourself whenever it was required. You didn’t tell people what you wanted. You asked for their permission. They refused. You chose to live with the refusal!
You did exactly and all that you chose. So now..
STOP being a jerk and stop pitying yourself for the widowhood that you are going through. Stop making yourself feel helpless, confused and a dumb jerk for you chose whatever happened all these years to you. By pitying yourself, you escape facing the point that you yourself made your life what it is today. It always feels good to blame him or his family for your condition. But that ain’t the truth. STOP IT! Once and for all.
Sorry, but I am NOT the person who would console you for all that happened to you and would tell you that this phase would pass. I am the person who would rather tell you that with each phase and every minute that passes by, you pass, you grow a day older, you lose the time of your life. I am not the person who would care if my words hurt. I would rather look for the understanding that you imbibed through our conversation.
Who were you before him? Who were you before your child? Remember you? The young you? The lively, happy, wishful you? The one who had ambition and purpose in life? The time when your life was self-centered? I am exactly talking about that young lady. I want you to bring her out all over again. I want you to dream. And make those dreams happen. I want you to think about yourself. Care for yourself. I want you to love. Fearless and fierce love. I want you to be YOU. High time. Ain’t it?
So, get out of the house. Make your career even if it is to start from a scratch. Join courses and explore different dimensions which might interest you. Meet people. Talk. Remember that talking heals. Write. Remember that writing brings out the true you on paper. Travel. Take your child places and teach him/her the importance of this life. Teach her that whenever she feels lonely she must understand that the concept of loneliness never existed. You are never lonely. You are always with yourself. Understand that you do not need anybody to complete you or your family. Understand that you suffice yourself. Understand that you never needed a partner to gain love from. You need him to share the love which you carry and for that to happen you must start loving and respecting yourself first. Trust yourself for you are gonna make through this life beautifully.
While you may encounter situations in your life which make you feel as though you can’t. Know, that you can do it. You can do anything you put your mind to, and raising a family just happens to be, perhaps, the most monumental example.
“You are enough,” is something you will tell your children day in and day out, throughout the entirety of their lives. Perhaps, it is you who needs to hear and revisit this phrase the most. Write this down and read it every single morning so you never forget. On the days when you go to sleep feeling otherwise, may you wake to know that you are enough for yourself, and you are enough for your children.
When your children grow up and look back on their childhood with you as their single mother, may they see someone who not only knew she was enough, but who instilled the same sense of self-love and self-worth in them, so that they not only know, but wholeheartedly believe, they are enough for the world.
This life isn’t about phases which pass. It is about all that we experience, explore and understand in each phase. This life is about you. Live it. Trust me, there is no such phrase which says that we always need someone. That’s all heroic. Entirely dramatic. We need ourselves and once we have ourselves, everyone and everything around us follows.
So now, Get up. And make things happen.
This isn’t the end because this isn’t comforting you.
Just a simple thanks for giving your time and reading my views. Comment below and engage in a conversation with me at atima.ai. Conversation helps us learn more, isn’t it?
Because all you need is a little support, a good conversation and someone to listen to you
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