Atlanta’s Casey Carter Discusses Fetishes and Connecting with Our Deepest Desires
It’s 6:40 p.m. on a Sunday evening. Casey Carter, experienced Dominant, co-host of “Boob Tube” (produced by EXXXOTICAtv) — host and creator of Casey @ Night, sits reclined with confidence in a tufted brown leather chair. Her gaze is fixed on a stream of smoke she animates through the “o” her lips have formed. She’s chosen to wrap a long work week at Stanley’s Cigar Lounge (College Park, GA) to engage with herself on a deep level; reward herself by indulging in not just a favorite pastime, but with a self-professed fetish: cigar smoking.
All a part of a growing trend of women playing more prominent roles in cigar Lounge culture, Casey is very clear that she likes exuding femininity in masculine ways.
“This isn’t cigar smoking as a phallic symbol. This is about being confident in a male-dominated environment and unbothered.” The notion checks out based on the red t-shirt she’s wearing which minces no words. It reads, “Dominant as F*ck!” above a screen-printed image of Casey Carter corseted and leather-clad, sitting on a chaise lounge with her legs apart. She stares directly into the camera — straight ahead with pointed intent. An expression punctuated by an officers riot baton she holds prominently between her straddled legs.
Monica G. Coleman, owner of Stanley’s Lounge, is one of a small number of Black women operating a cigar lounge — — a space typically populated by men. Stanley’s, named for her late grandfather, is her obsession.
“There were times where I wondered if I could do it. But I listened to myself and focused on the fact that I wanted to see more women love cigars as much as I do,” Coleman says.
Both Coleman and Carter become engaged in a conversation where they’re practically finishing each other’s sentences — bonding over how much power they feel. One can almost imagine them theoretically sticking a stiletto heel into the mouth of the industry and telling its misogyny to suck it. The women agree that they experience something of a high because of how well they have (and continue to) work the cigar scene.
“I’m trained in sensory deprivation. I understand muscle structures, the anatomy and pressure points,” says another expert Dominant who prefers only to be identified as “Lorenzo.” He was trained in the BDSM lifestyle forty-two years ago and compares his training to be an authentic dominant to his 35-plus years in law enforcement. “You can’t push someone’s limits if you don’t know what you’re doing.” Similar to officers participating in simulations that involve getting tased or pepper sprayed, he asserts that Domination is not about abuse. It’s about providing and taking care of a Submissive needs which could include, for example, increase in intensity involving spanking, tickling, asphyxiation, flogging, and shibari or rope bondage (to name just a few).
To Lorenzo’s point, Danielle Lindemann’s, Will the Real Dominatrix Please Stand Up: Artistic Purity and Professionalism in the S&M Dungeon, illuminates the visual appeal and responsibility of fetish lifestyles. It highlights Submissives as muses of the artist; frames BDSM as being theatrical and scene-based, but requiring some form of crafting or expertise on behalf of the Dominant. Researcher M. Weinberg who conducted a study on the dynamics of BDSM and fetishism quotes a professional from their study Lindemann’s journal, saying: “Some people find this incredibly sexual. To me it’s erotic but I find it mostly stimulating from the neck up. To me it’s an art form. I have to know that I can step on a person without breaking a rib. I know that I have to be incredibly careful and delicate because some- thing could bruise when it’s not supposed to and do real damage when it’s not supposed to. I have to know what I know.”
“I would not be an authentic dominant if I didn’t know what my submissive was feeling. I would be an ineffective dominant if I didn’t understand my submissive’s mind, body, and soul,” says Lorenzo, whose statement is almost identical to one of Carter’s: being a dominant requires a lot more than snapping a few Instagram photos wearing black leather, signaling to the general public and people living fetish lifestyles.
“That’s the problem with social media,” Carter begins. “It’s fake fetish life. You have all of these people who think that participating in this lifestyle means telling the world you have kinks and want to hook up. That’s not what this lifestyle is about.”
“It’s too easy to blur the lines. That’s the problem with social media and dating apps,” Lorenzo laments. “You get a bunch of people advertising their sexual fantasies claiming to want to dominate or be submissive, but they’re doing nothing but showing they have no self control,” the antithesis of the BDSM lifestyle.
He compares social media to men who whistle and cat call women on the street. “Dominants don’t just react to every person they see. That’s weak and disrespectful.” He continues explaining that real Submissives enjoy service. That’s something very personal and not something advertise on twitter. When you have a fetish to be kept and for a Dominant to be the keeper of you and your body, they have a responsibility to you and your needs, not what the world thinks, and a person has to do a lot of research if this is really the lifestyle they want.
Lorenzo and Carter both worry about the affects of social media on their lifestyle. It’s become harder for them to find authenticity within the BDSM community.
“That’s why I decided to do the Fetish Ball,” Carter says, sipping her favorite cocktail: a White Russian. “I always call my events Casey Carter experiences because I’m inviting people into my world where there’s a real appreciation for this lifestyle.” At her last Fetish Ball, Casey deliberately included performers that would highlight the immense diversity within fetish communities. At her last Fetish Ball, Casey describes being in awe of the diversity. From a Shibari demonstration exclusively using plus-sized models, to a Dominant and fellow cigar enthusiast who’s submissive surprised everyone after being asked by him, “Where’s my cigar?”
“She pulls it out from between her legs,” Carter remembers fondly, “And everyone was so shocked you could hear a pin drop.” The entire demonstration, his submissive was keeping his special cigar inside of her vagina.
Carter continues, “It was all about the learning and showing how these seemingly normal things could turn anyone on without involving sex.”
There is a growing concern among fetish lifestyle seekers that there has almost been a fetishizing of fetish life in mainstream media — including depictions of BDSM in literature like the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. The growing consensus within the BDSM community is that depictions of fetish-centered lifestyles in popular culture are wildly inaccurate and problematic; that fetishes aren’t a role you play in order to get sex. They are desires and needs that are met beyond genital stimulation. Bonds are made through trust, and the connections are very personal and not intended to be photographed and shared with the world for likes on social media. A fetish is an intrinsic part of someone’s identity.
“Yeah it’s an ego trip,” Carter admits, “I lean into the orgasmic energy. The longer I remain in this environment,” she says, gesturing toward her cigar kit and cocktail, “the more turned on I get.”
Among some scholars of psychology, some fetishes are still referred to as disorders, deep psychological attractions that could cause harm to oneself and/or others. But sexperts like Casey Carter and Lorenzo would argue that where harm is caused are people who just simply don’t know what they’re doing, or aren’t authentically experiencing joy in the lifestyle.
In the early 2000s, I found a man willing to make my wildest dreams come true. He checked off all of my 19 year-old boxes. He was older — of a distinguished age, intelligent and successful in ways that had me feeling like I’d won the rarest lottery any college student could ever win: the heart of an admirer.
I could see our bright future together. We’d be living in fabulosity in Chicago taking the literary world by storm. He edited content for textbooks and enjoyed reading my writing. After hours-long phone calls and using up many prepaid phone cards (this wasn’t exactly in the days of cellular phone plans, so long-distance calls were either charged to your student account, or you called collect), the heat turned up pretty quickly — so much that he flew to Virginia to see me… twice.
Our Wednesday talks were for physical connection. My roommate was in class all day, so I had the privilege of having the place to myself. We discussed topics (and engaged in saucy activities) I would never want anyone to hear or witness, and I dare not discuss it with anyone for fear of being harshly judged. Only he knew something about me that not even my girlfriends knew: I had a fetish. A fetish to serve and be kept in an untraditional way. An idea satisfying on levels that were difficult for me to articulate and understand at such a young age.
The lifestyle, as many who practice BDSM call it, is just that. A lifestyle. A non-traditional way of existing and connecting. Participants in the lifestyle may not seek sex immediately — — or ever. They’ve found equally (if not more) pleasurable engagement through cerebral connections.
According to a study conducted by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, Bondage, Discipline, and Sadomasochist (BDSM) and Voyeurism make up the most popular fetishes in America. The Kinsey Institute’s Justin Lehmiller points out that central to sexuality and the psychology of arousal is our most important sex organ: the human brain.
Fetish-based lifestyles like BDSM initiate arousal via the psychological presence of power dynamics. A Submissive, for instance, experiences mental elation knowing that his/her Dominant will both take care of and punish based on a system of requirements that could change from hour-to-hour, or day by day. Similarly, a Dominant experiences mental elation by being needed in an entirely different way. He/she is gratified by the responsibility of providing for their submissive and treating them with care.
Fetishes can be so deeply needed or experienced that the actual act of sex isn’t required to experience euphoric and orgasm-like releases.
Like sex, BDSM centers around positive sensory feedback.
Take for instance a sneeze. According to Psychology Today, the brief exhilaration one feels after a sneeze is very closely related to the orgasm. Erectile tissue found in the nose is almost identical to the tissue found in genital regions, suggesting equitable feelings of exhilaration and satisfactions once a sneeze expels itself simultaneously increases the need to feel that type of release again. This is exactly how fetishes work, which explains the need to access them more than once; or in the case of people living the lifestyle around-the-clock, continuously. Fetishes allow for repeated access to whatever is making us internally aroused and stimulated.
Lorenzo offers a final thought, “Guys on the street whistling at women have no self control. They’re disrespectful. But if you give a Dominant a chance to know you wholly, they can just look at you and set you off.”
