Don’t Even Get Me Started

Episode 47: “Moving Violations”

Editor’s note: Since the turn of the millennium, the advent of streaming, and the critical acclaim for shows like “The Wire” and “Breaking Bad”, some people say we’re in a golden age of television. But are we? Is TV really deeper, more complex, and more rewarding than it was in the era of the multi-camera network sitcom? This episode of the beloved TGIF laugh-fest “Don’t Even Get Me Started” leaves us more than a little unsure.

CHARACTERS:
James
Christy
Aaron
Anthony
Puck the Cat

Scene 1
JAMES AND CHRISTY’S APT. MAIN ROOM. MORNING.

CHRISTY packs up a box. There are other packed boxes around. After a few moments JAMES walks through the front door carrying more boxes.

JAMES
Hi, honey. I picked up more boxes at the deli.

James walks over to Christy, puts the boxes down and gives her a kiss on the lips. Christy pulls away.

CHRISTY
Gross! You smell like cardboard.

JAMES
(shouting)
You’re the one who wanted all these darn boxes!!!

Christy is taken aback. James walks away in a huff and opens the refrigerator.

CHRISTY
Is something wrong?

JAMES
Nothing’s wrong.

Christy walks up behind him, puts her hands around his waist.

CHRISTY
How ‘bout I fix you a pastrami on rye, with extra mayonnaise, just the way you like it?

JAMES
Nah, I don’t feel like it.

CHRISTY
Now I know something’s wrong.
(puts hands on her hips, takes a step back)
Okay, buster. ‘Fess up.

JAMES
(takes a breath)
I’m sorry. It’s just… work.

CHRISTY
What about work?

JAMES
Well, you know, uh, with all the… hey, did you do something to your hair?

CHRISTY
What? Oh… I guess I have been using a new revitalizing conditioner. Do you like it?

JAMES
Looks great, baby. In fact… come here.

They move to embrace. Enter AARON carrying a shoe box.

AARON
Hey guys, check this out!

CHRISTY & JAMES
Hey, Aaron.

AARON
I got called into jury duty tomorrow, but since it’s my birthday I totally don’t wanna go. So I’m building a replica of myself that will go in my place. So far I’ve made the right arm. Check it out!

Cut to shot of Aaron’s right arm in a shoe box.

CHRISTY
Ewwww!

JAMES
Hey, that’s pretty realistic. How’d you do that?

AARON
It was no biggie, I just used some corn syrup and polyurethane. A little something I picked up when I was working in props over at Universal.

CHRISTY
The movie studio?

AARON
No, the Universal Prosthetic Limb Factory. Of course the movie studio!

Aaron points his thumb at Christy in disbelief.

CHRISTY
Okay, boys, I gotta go. I gotta run to the store, then I’m helping Anthony study for his neurobiology practicum. We made a flash card.

JAMES
A flashcard for an entire neurobiology practicum? It must be the size of Canada.

CHRISTY
Almost!

Christy pulls an enormous flashcard out from behind the refrigerator, puts it back, and exits. James and Aaron remain.

AARON
So, did you rent a truck yet?

James doesn’t respond. Stares out window.

AARON
Hello! Earth to James!

JAMES
What?

AARON
What’s going on with you, buddy?

James approaches Aaron.

JAMES
Can you keep a secret?

AARON
(with mock seriousness)
I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.

James doesn’t laugh, looks disappointed.

AARON
Hey, I’m just kidding. (punches James in arm) What’s up?

JAMES
You know how me and Christy are supposed to move Saturday?

AARON
Where are you gonna move it to, closer to Wednesday? How about moving it to next Monday, I feel like sleeping in.

JAMES
Come on, Aaron, I’m being serious here.

AARON
Okay, okay.

JAMES
Well it’s tomorrow, and yesterday at work Mr. McAllister told me I had to come in tomorrow, and I thought about saying no, but he’s so bossy and it happened so quickly. So I just said okay.

AARON
Can’t you tell him you forgot about moving? He might understand.

JAMES
Fat chance.

AARON
What about having Christy sweet-talk him? No one can resist Christy’s sweet-talking.

JAMES
Believe me, Mr. McAllister doesn’t react well to “sweet.” I saw a girl scout smile at him once, he broke out in hives.

AARON
Maybe you and Christy can move another day.

JAMES
Saturday’s the only day the new landlord can let us in before he leaves town. Plus, Christy’s got everything ready. Look at all these boxes. If we put it off any longer there’ll be nothing left to pack, she’ll start packing the lead paint chips.

AARON
Maybe I can help her move. Since my dummy will be sitting on jury duty for me, I’ll be free.

JAMES
Thanks, A-dog, but this is something Christy and I have always talked about doing together, just me and her.

AARON
Thank God. (James gives a look) No offense, but the last way I wanna spend my birthday is getting any kind of exercise. Besides, Anthony and I have been roommates for almost a year, and I’m sure he’s planning something for me.

JAMES
If only I could be in two places at once. (glances down at Aaron’s prosthetic arm) Hey… Aaron… how much dummy-making material do you have?

AARON
I don’t know. A lot.

JAMES
Enough to make another dummy?

AARON
James, if Christy’s not gonna want the real me to help her move, what makes you think another dummy of me —

JAMES
No, dummy, a dummy of me!

AARON
Oh. Well, we could make one, but I don’t know if they’ll rent the truck to him…

JAMES
Hello! Earth to Aaron! I’ll plant the dummy at my desk at work, and I’ll rent the truck and Christy and I can move!

AARON
Right. That’s what I was saying. You knew what I was saying, right, Puck?

Puck places paw over eyes in embarrassment.

Scene 2
AARON AND ANTHONY’S APT. DAY.

ANTHONY studies at table. Aaron enters.

AARON
Hey, buddy, what’s up?

ANTHONY
All this stuff about neurotransmitters is gonna neuro-transmit me straight into a coma. I love neurobiology, but after a while… whoo.

AARON (impersonating the Slim Jim commercial)
Higher education got ya down!?

ANTHONY
You got that right. It’s okay, though. I’m going over to Christy’s later, she’s gonna help me study.

AARON
Oh yeah? I was just over there. Man, is James in trou —

ANTHONY
Huh?

AARON
Did you just say you’re hanging out with Christy later?

ANTHONY
If by “hanging out” you mean cramming until my brain curdles into cream of wheat, then yes.

AARON
Oh.

ANTHONY
So what’s going on with James? He’s in trouble? About what?

AARON
Trouble? Did I say trouble? I meant, uh, treble. Yeah, he was gonna be singing tenor at the civic center. It’s the damnedest thing, the regular guy got tuberculosis. But he’s better now.

ANTHONY (looks suspicious)
What?

AARON (picks up calendar)
Hey, can you believe it’s December already? Man, another year’s gone by.

ANTHONY (going back to studying)
Right.

AARON
Not that I feel that much older. I mean, no matter how old I am, I’ll always feel young at heart. Even on certain days in December, no matter what kind of wild parties certain roommates throw for me.

ANTHONY
You know, after all this studying I’m gonna need a neurosurgeon. I can feel my gray matter melting.

AARON
Well you’d better pass then. You’ll be the only neurosurgeon you can afford to go to.

Scene 3
AARON AND ANTHONY’S APT. LATER.

Anthony is gone. Aaron rocks out on electric guitar, badly. James walks in. Aaron looks up and stops.

AARON
Oh! Hey, James, I didn’t hear you come in. I was just doing a little, uh, restoration work on this old Strat.

JAMES
Right. So, are you all set?

AARON
Yeah, but… do you really think this is a good idea? You’re sure Christy can’t wait to move?

JAMES
I don’t think so, I mean, she packed Puck’s litter box this morning.

AARON
So?

JAMES
He was using it.

Aaron makes face.

JAMES
I finally got a truck, though. Only 25 bucks for all day tomorrow.

AARON
Twenty-five bucks? What’s the company, Titanic Rentals?

JAMES
Hey, it took me three hours to find place that wasn’t booked. I’d get in a moving van with Charles Manson if it was going in the right direction.

AARON
By the way, you guys might wanna plan on a late start. I don’t know if my Birthday Eve Bash is gonna go all night, but I’m sure it’ll come close.

Aaron does the Cabbage Patch dance, swinging his arms in front of him in a circle.

JAMES
Huh?

AARON
I know, I know, I’m not supposed to know anything. Anthony’s probably already got it worked out with you. I’ll just stay out of it. Well, if you wanna do this we better get going. Anthony’s gonna be back here in a few hours, and he’s allergic to paper maché.

JAMES
Where is he, anyway?

CUT TO: CU of Anthony, concentrating. Zoom out to reveal him at James & Christy’s kitchen table with Christy. He wears a stethoscope. Christy holds a stopwatch. Christy stops the watch.

CHRISTY
Time’s up.

ANTHONY
Oh, man! What’s the answer?

CHRISTY (flipping over study card)
Photosynthesis.

ANTHONY
Damn it! This is driving me nuts! One more wrong answer and I swear I’m gonna file for temporary insanity.

Anthony twirls stethoscope.

CHRISTY
Will you take that thing off? You look like Doogie Howser trying to be George Clooney.

ANTHONY
It helps me think! Can I have some water? (gets up and fills a glass at sink) If there’s one thing I learned in pre-med, it’s that nothing is more our very lifeblood than water. Except our blood.

CHRISTY
Can I ask you something? Have you noticed anything strange about James lately?

ANTHONY
What do you mean?

CHRISTY
I don’t know… he’s been acting weird. One minute he’s fine and the next he’s really tense, like he’s hiding something. Maybe he’s manic depressive. What is manic depression, exactly?

ANTHONY
It’s when you go from being a raving lunatic to being a mild-mannered lunatic.

CHRISTY
Can you develop it at age twenty-six?

ANTHONY
He’s been hanging out with Aaron a lot lately. That could affect anyone’s brain chemistry.

CHRISTY
Oh, by the way, what’s the plan for Aaron’s birthday?

ANTHONY (freezing)
The what for Aaron’s what?

CHRISTY
Hello! Earth to Anthony! I’m starting to wonder about your brain chemistry. Or lack thereof.

ANTHONY
Oh no! Aaron’s birthday is tomorrow! I completely forgot!

CHRISTY
When you do become a neurosurgeon, remind me never to have an aneurysm in your jurisdiction.

ANTHONY
He’s probably expecting me to do something. Christy, you gotta help me! What are you doing this afternoon?

CHRISTY
I’ve got a shift at the co-op.

ANTHONY
Can you get out of it? I can’t put something together for Aaron by myself.

CHRISTY (gives Anthony a sidelong look)
Okay… but you’re gonna owe me big time.

ANTHONY
Thank you, thank you!

CHRISTY
Let’s split up. You find decorations and I’ll get food.

ANTHONY
Right!

They grab coats and run out.

DISSOLVE TO: James and Aaron, spent, dirty, looking at the completed dummy.

JAMES
Wow. That’s so weird!

AARON
Think anyone at work will notice it’s not really you?

JAMES
Are you kidding? They’re about as observant as the Pope on Chanukah.

AARON
Sweet!

JAMES
Yeah. The only thing is, how am I gonna get this to the office? We’ve gotta come up with some sort of disguise.

AARON
Here. (Pulls out blond wig)

JAMES
Uh, Aaron? What do you have that lying around for?

AARON
Didn’t I tell you I used to work in show business?

JAMES
Doing what again?

AARON
For three months I was an assistant to Bon Jovi’s hair.

James looks impressed. Aaron puts wig and sunglasses on dummy.

AARON
There you go. You’re golden.

JAMES
Awesome. Now I just gotta plant him at my desk. Thanks, buddy!

James leaves.

CUT TO: Outside Aaron’s apt. James walks down street with dummy. Anthony walks across the street with birthday decorations. Sees James from behind with dummy in wig, squints, looks confused.

Scene 4
JAMES AND CHRISTY’S APT.

Christy sets out food. Anthony enters with decorations.

CHRISTY
Hey.

ANTHONY (nervous)
Hey.

CHRISTY
Find everything okay?

ANTHONY
Oh, yeah. Great.

CHRISTY
What’d you get?

ANTHONY
Oh, you know. Streamers, balloons, pin the tail on the donkey.

CHRISTY
Wow. This is gonna be a real swank affair.

ANTHONY
Affair?

CHRISTY
What?

ANTHONY
Nothing. (Opens balloons and starts blowing one up)

CHRISTY
Hey, I’m just kidding. Party games are always fun. As long as none of you con artists cheats.

Anthony’s balloon pops.

CHRISTY
Okay, what’s going on?

ANTHONY
Pardon?

CHRISTY
Why are you so nervous?

ANTHONY
What are you talking about?

CHRISTY
Your jumpier than Puck after a bowl of catnip.

Shot of Puck, who pricks ears, looks off-camera at something totally disconnected from the actors and set.

CHRISTY
Out with it, buddy.

ANTHONY
Okay… It’s probably nothing, but… you know how you were saying James has been acting sort of weird and secretive? Well I saw something coming back from the store just now that was sort of weird.

CHRISTY
What?

ANTHONY
Well… it was James, and he was, uh, with somebody.

CHRISTY
James told me he was going into the office this afternoon. Who was he with?

ANTHONY
I don’t know, I’ve never seen her before.

CHRISTY
Her?

ANTHONY
I mean, it’s probably nothing, it’s probably —

CHRISTY
What did she look like?

ANTHONY
She had blond hair…

CHRISTY
Blond hair? (Christy is starting to hyperventilate. Goes to sink for water)

ANTHONY
Actually, she kind of looked like James. Maybe it was his sister, maybe that’s why he had his arm around her.

CHRISTY
James doesn’t have a sister. And what do you mean his arm around her? (hyperventilating worse)

ANTHONY (noticing Christy’s condition)
Oh, did I say… No, that’s not exactly what I saw, I mean it just seemed from where I was standing that, uh… (Shot of Christy fanning herself) You know how sometimes when it’s real hazy out and the haze refracts light in a funny way so you think you see something that isn’t really what you saw?

CHRISTY (almost passing out)
Yeah.

ANTHONY
Well it was like that. Except for the haze.

Christy passes out. Anthony puts on stethoscope and holds it to her chest.

CUT TO: Empty hallway in James’ office. James comes down hallway with dummy, gets to his door and searches pocket for keys.

JAMES
Oh no! (Tries door, but it’s locked.) I can’t believe this. (Thinks. Looks at watch.) Three-thirty. Christy’s shift at the co-op doesn’t end till four. (To dummy) Okay, one more stop!

James exits.

CUT TO: James and Christy’s apt. Christy sits in chair. Anthony brings her water.

CHRISTY
I shouldn’t have been so hard on him when he threw out my grandmother’s armoir. He didn’t know any better. Or when he works all that overtime. It’s my fault, I drove him into the arms of another woman.

ANTHONY
Come on, that’s not true. Those things are no excuse for people to cheat on each other.

CHRISTY
You’re right. He’s a scumbag! How could he do this to me? And now of all times, when we’re moving together! He knows how much this meant to me!

ANTHONY
Look, Christy —

CHRISTY
That’s it! Puck and I are checking into a shelter. (Gets up and looks for Puck) Puck! Pucky, where are you?

Christy goes into bedroom (offscreen left). Anthony follows, saying “Christy, come on, be reasonable,” etc.

James enters with dummy. Sets dummy in chair looking out kitchen window, with its back to the room. Wig falls off and James picks it up, exits screen right.

Christy enters alone, still talking to Anthony.

CHRISTY
Keep looking, he’s gotta be in there somewhere!

Christy sees dummy and stops short. Opens mouth to yell at him, but doesn’t say anything. Her expression softens and she takes a few steps towards him.

CHRISTY
James, honey, we have to talk about something. Don’t say anything, just hear me out. I know we’ve both been under a lot of stress lately with this move, and, well, if I haven’t been the most undertsanding girlfriend in the world, I’m sorry. But as long as we’re honest with each other, I know we can work anything out. We just have to be understanding, and — (notices something on the ground, picks it up — it’s a long blond hair. Expression changes to anger.) You dirty snake! How could you? I knew you were up to something! Who is she, huh? Answer me!

James enters with keys and blond wig. Stops when he sees Christy yelling at the dummy.

CHRISTY
Don’t just sit there! Answer me, mister two-timer!

JAMES
Christy! What’s going on?

CHRISTY (whirls around)
What the heck?

Anthony enters.

ANTHONY
I can’t find him, Christy.

JAMES
You’re supposed to be at the co-op!

Aaron enters in a party shirt and hat.

AARON
The birthday boy has arrived! Let the party begin!

CHRISTY
I switched shifts because Anthony forgot Aaron’s birthday.

AARON
What?

Anthony gives desperate look.

CHRISTY
What are you doing here, you told me you had to work! And who’s that!? (points at dummy)

JAMES
Who, that? Uh…

CHRISTY
And who’s this!? (Holds up blond hair) And what are you doing with that? (Points at wig)

JAMES
Uhm…

CHRISTY
I’d say you have a lot of explaining to do, buster.

AARON
You forgot my birthday?

ANTHONY
Well, I don’t know if “forgot” is the right word, technically…

AARON
Hey, you don’t have to do any fast med-school talking. I get it. Neurobiology is just more important to you than your best friend’s birthday. No biggie.

ANTHONY
Really?

AARON
Yeah. Good luck on your finals. And good luck finding a new roommate. (Goes to door) You know, maybe you’ve been hanging around cadavers too long. Because you seem to have forgotten how to act with people who have feelings!

Aaron rushes out. Anthony looks exasperated. Looks at James and Christy, who are looking at him.

ANTHONY
What did I do?

They continue to look with an “I think you know” expression.

ANTHONY
I know, I know. I’d better go after him.

Anthony exits.

CUT TO: Aaron sitting on stairwell, moping. Anthony comes down and sits next to him.

ANTHONY
Hey.

AARON
Hey.

ANTHONY
Look, Aaron, I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I’ve just been so stressed out over my finals, which I know is no excuse, but… Come on, give me a break here.

AARON
Give you a break? Why should I give you a break? I can’t even talk to you lately without you bringing up neurotransmogrifiers or that Sarah Tonin chick.

ANTHONY
I’m sorry, it’s just that’s what’s on my mind lately. And, you know, I don’t always just say whatever’s on my mind. Believe it or not, sometimes I think first, like when I’m talking to people I don’t know that well, or when I’m worried what someone will think of me. But there are some people who I don’t feel like I have to do that around. Because I know that even if I sound like a jerk, I can still count on them to let me be myself. Even if myself is sometimes inconsiderate and forgetful, and lazy, and… hey, stop me any time here.

AARON
I know, I know. That’s what friends do for each other. I guess they forgive each other too, like when you forgave me in sixth grade for botching your chemistry final.

ANTHONY
Oh, that was no biggie. My parents were gonna re-model the kitchen anyway.

AARON
Well, the night is young. Think you can take a cake and ice cream study break?

ANTHONY
Definitely.

CUT TO: Christy and James at the kitchen table.

JAMES
So that’s it. Do you see now why I didn’t want to tell you what was going on?

CHRISTY
Yeah, but James, honey, no matter what kind of mess we think we’re in, we have to be honest with each other. Otherwise things just get messier.

JAMES
I know, I know. It’s just that I know how important this move is to you and I didn’t want to disappoint you.

CHRISTY
As long as we work together, we can get through anything. And disappointing me is something you never have to worry about. Unless I ever catch you with a blond-haired female version of yourself with a pulse. Now how about that pastrami sandwich?

JAMES
Now you’re talking!

Anthony and Aaron enter.

ANTHONY
You better make that a slice of birthday cake!

AARON
Who’s ready to party?

James pulls cake out of bag. It’s mauled.

JAMES
What the — ?

CHRISTY
So that’s why he disappeared on us!

Puck walks into room, face covered in icing.

ANTHONY
Looks like someone’s got his glucose deficiency prevention taken care of for about a year!

JAMES
That’s seven years to Puck. (To Anthony) Or is that for dogs?

ANTHONY
What am I, pre-vet?

AARON
Aw, what’s the diff? (Takes a chunk of cake and eats it)

CHRISTY (Puts party hat on dummy)
One thing’s for sure — Puck’ll be spending his next birthday in a spacious new apartment! (hugs James)

AARON (to Anthony, as both eat cake)
Hey, I was just thinking, since my dummy’s gonna be at jury duty tomorrow, maybe you could use some help studying after your class.

ANTHONY
Actually, I was just thinking that maybe I won’t go to class. Who goes to class on his best friend’s birthday?

AARON
They don’t have an attendance policy?

ANTHONY
Oh, they do. One absence and you’re out.

AARON
Well then you have to go.

ANTHONY
Not necessarily. (Looks over at James’ dummy. Everyone smiles) How much more of that dummy-making material do you have?

Puck covers face with paw in exasperation.

Long shot of everyone eating cake.

Credits.