28 years of living with ADHD
Not so much a rant, more a tale of discovery…
I’d always been aware that I had a bad memory, but it seemed that since becoming a father and gaining more and more responsibilities with work and life in general, my ability to remember almost anything had decreased to a worrying level. I had for most of my life believed that my poor memory was ‘normal’ or at least within a normal range of acceptability. I’d thought that it was only getting worse due to the stresses and strains that life had added for my mind to cope with. I suppose that the real issue was that I hadn’t actually ever thought about it much, or at least hadn’t thought that it wasn’t normal.
So when there became more reasons and signs that perhaps there was something more going on I decided to look in to it a bit closer. I started by looking back to my childhood and trying to remember how I was back then. Usually when we look back as adults we don’t think about how we were in ourselves only the experiences and how they felt to us, so looking back this way was interesting to say the least. I realised that it might have been more then just my memory that wasn’t great. As a young man I would struggle to stay focused for any length of time on anything that I deemed to be even remotely dull, which was a lot of things. Strangely I found I could really zone in and focus on numbers so maths was always a good subject at school for me. I also loved art and being creative, I suppose the freedom element was what kept my mind from straying. I also did a lot of sport as a child all the way up until leaving school and I feel as though that may have contained a lot of my inability to focus. The discipline of my swimming training 6 times a week was probably very good for me growing up.
As I moved forward through the years I found more and more oddities. Once I’d stopped swimming, discovered alcohol and my social freedom I became extremely careless, especially when it came to money. I didn’t have any consideration of the consequences of my actions and thus landed myself in a pretty deep financial hole. But back then I didn’t care about that, I didn’t see the harm at all. Some might say that I was just being a teenager but I don’t think that my utter disregard can be blamed entirely on that. Yes a lot of my mistakes growing up are sure to be normal however I believe it’s how you deal with them that really counts and that is something I never did. Luckily for me I stumbled in to an Army careers office one day and spent the following 4 years serving as a Royal Engineer. Once again I was constrained within a system of discipline which for my wondering mind was a very good thing. After 7 months on the front line in Afghanistan I decided that I’d done my time and wanted out. The Army wasn’t really for me even though it kept me on the straight and narrow I couldn’t ever settle down knowing one day I might leave a family without a husband and father should something bad happen.
Afghanistan made it’s own impact on my mental state and I suffered for some time coming to terms with my experiences as well as life back home. I hit the drink hard and for a while was a total mess. Even once I’d left the Army it took me a while to completely get back to my normal state of mind. It was only then that I really start to see the issues that had been there all along. For years I had always had something to keep my mind in check. I’d always had some form of routine or structure to focus on. So when it was down to me to control my focus I found I simply couldn’t do it. Since leaving school at 18 and where I am today I must of had about 50 different jobs. That includes 4 years in the Army aged 19 to 23, a year and a half at my last job and a year and a half where I am now, aged 28! I had a lot of jobs in between the times where I was in a routine of some sort. I just couldn’t stick at them for much more than a couple of weeks once the initial learning period had ended and they started to get boring to me. I wanted something new and interesting again.
Once I started a family with my fiancé I had no choice but to stick at whatever job I could get so that I could provide for my family. As much as I wanted to find something new and more interesting I had something there to focus on. But with the new added stresses and sleep deprivation my memory and concentration got much worse. I found that if I was focussed on something like a film or a book that I pretty much zoned in and blocked everything out to the point that I couldn’t hear anything else. If I didn’t have a job on at work that was engaging enough I couldn’t keep settled. I’d constantly fidget and flick from my work to my phone or something on the internet. I hadn’t ever noticed any of it before but it all started falling in to place. I did some research of my own and found that there were more and more things that were common to me that weren’t exactly what you could class as normal.
I finally decided to see my GP who referred me to a mental health specialist and I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD on my 28th birthday. It seems that although ADHD includes hyperactive within it’s name that not everybody that suffers from it gets that portion. In fact it can at times make a person go the other way. Which of course instantly explained my extreme lack of self motivation and general lethargy. It also seems apparent that I am very much one of the lucky ones when it comes to ADHD or ADD as I describe my own condition. Being generally quite intelligent and having the added activities to help contain my symptoms. That with my bazaar ability with numbers and my sports meant that I went completely under the radar through school. I was merely seen as a smart kid who talked too much and should have done better. But I still did quite well and am lucky to have a good job today. I am disappointed to have only just found out however as I cant help but wonder what might have been. If I’d had the knowledge and the medication that I have now I could have met my full potential and perhaps gone on to university to do Architecture as I’d originally planned. Though maybe if I’d gone that way I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’d never have experienced the things I have or seen the sights I’ve seen. I might never have married the love of my life and had two amazing daughters. So perhaps everything that should have happened did.
Thankfully now I know my condition I have medication to help it. My memory is amazing, well to me anyway. It’s probably just ‘normal’ now! I can actually concentrate at work, even when there’s not much on or the job I’m on is a bit stale. I have more drive and generally feel more mentally equipped to face the things life throws my way. So as much as I know things could have panned out differently I couldn’t be more pleased with things how they are right now!
My advice to anyone who thinks there could be something going on upstairs that shouldn’t be is to do something about it. It may be nothing but if it is why ignore it. To those of you who suffer from ADHD or ADD don’t ever put yourselves down. You might find some things harder than most people but that doesn’t meant that you don’t have the ability to achieve great things. As irrelevant as it may seem my older brother went through his entire school life with severe dyslexia. Back when it wasn’t openly recognised and those who suffered from it were just classed as stupid or unintelligent. He suffered for years trying and failing to achieve academically but I am yet to meet anyone as skilled when it comes to making things with their hands. He is an extremely good engineer and nothing can take that away from him. So once you find your skill don’t listen to what society or anyone else wants from you. Who’s to say they’re right in the first place…
