One useful system that you can use while going through tough periods in your life.
So all of my regular readers have probably noticed that I have been away from Medium for the past few weeks.
I was pretty consistent for my first three posts and was generally excited because it seemed like I was finally developing a weekly blogging flow.
But as always, when you least expect it, life happens.
My living situation has drastically changed within a relatively short period of time, and I have had a few very deep emotional shifts with important people in my life.
I am still in school and trying to finish out the semester on a good note.
And to top it off, my family is coming to visit me in the next couple of weeks.
A little fun fact about me is that I have been estranged from my family for over a decade.
My mother and younger sister have not visited San Francisco (let alone California) since they dropped me off at college over 12 years ago. My older brother, who is also visiting, has never been to California, ever.
After my older sister’s wedding last year, bonds that I had been neglecting began to heal. I realized that I never wanted to spend that amount of time disconnected from my family again.
The family decided to celebrate my brother-in-law’s birthday in San Francisco, which in its own way is a huge gesture on their part. A gesture to celebrate my brother-in-law's life, and at the same time, to experience a piece of my life here in the Bay.
I had no intention of my family coming to San Franciso to then see me as a complete wreck trying to navigate the monstrous housing market while finishing up a semester.
That was just not the version of me I wanted them to see.
I mean who wants to appear like they are still struggling in life after over a decade (even if it's the truth).
Being a first-generation child of immigrants comes with its own set of toxic expectations. Unfortunately, I am still working on unlearning them.
So as I said before, times are a bit tough right now.
My emotional bandwidth is weaker now than it usually is.
However, I have still been able to function due to a strong support group and a daily system that I have been using constantly.
What system might that be, you ask?
I reflect, reframe, and redirect.
Yes, it's not a new technique by any means. I am sure that you have probably heard of it thousands of times by now.
But let me tell you, if you actually commit to it, it can work.
If you ask any of my closest friends and family members, they would tell you that I have had a series of extreme ups and down. And I really mean, extreme.
But after every extreme setback, I come out both much stronger and wiser than I was before.
I set aside alone-time so that I can actively engage with any issue that comes my way.
The first step is to Reflect.
I simply ask myself “What happened?” “What was my role in all of this?” “What triggered the events to snowball?” “How quickly did they progress?”
For me, the point of this step is to process all that has transpired with an objective eye. While I don’t believe it's possible to be 100% objective, especially when it comes to your own life, I do believe that you do still gain value from trying your best to see things objectively.
It’s kind of like going to a friend or a therapist for objective advice. However, it’s actually you pretending to be a friend or a therapist, for yourself.
The second step is to Reframe.
I actively reword my interpretation of what happened to come up with a version that facilitates a path of growth.
For example: Back in 2017, my home of 4 years burned down due to an electrical fire.
For a while, I kept thinking to myself, “I lost my home. Everything is gone.”
One day I decided to sit down and write out the good and bad things that were connected to living in that house.
The funny thing was that I ended up being surprised just by how many bad things I associated with living there. I was constantly cleaning up after extremely messy roommates, I was in charge of gathering the rent and utilities, I was sharing my room with my ex-best friend and had no privacy, I was leading community meetings every month, and I had to walk 7 blocks to do laundry!
I hated doing all of those things.
But after the fire, I realized that didn’t have to take on that role anymore. Not unless I wanted to.
I began joking about it and telling people that “the other version of August” died in that fire that night. It was true though.
As beautiful as that house was, I knew I had no desire to be that person anymore.
So essentially my thought of “I lost my home. Everything is gone.” became “All that had burned away has made room for new things to come in.”
To be honest, reframing is my favorite of the 3 steps.
It’s like, mental magic.
The last step is to Redirect.
While at first, this step may seem the same as the reframing step, however, it is different.
Redirecting is all about taking that reframed thought process and putting it into action.
Using my house fire example again: when I began to redirect, I began saving up a new deposit, I began to look for housing, I started writing music about thriving despite the loss, and I even began to respond to friends and family with responses that reflected the new reframed mindset and not the old growth-inhibiting one.
Simply put, redirecting is all about taking your self-talk and making it your self-walk. Putting your thoughts and words into small and easily achievable actions.
I truly have to emphasize small and easily achievable actions because those lead to easy wins.
Easy wins inspire you to keep pushing forward and to be consistent with pursuing your personal growth.
Eventually, those smaller wins become bigger gains when you stick with them.
The more positive progress you begin to make in your life, the more your new reframed mindset will be solidified.
So when in doubt:
Reflect. Reframe. Redirect.
As for me, I know that what I am going through right now is tough, but I refuse to believe that this situation will be my ultimate undoing.
Life is going to happen and often times we can’t control its trajectory.
But to a certain extent, we can control how we react to what life throws our way.
I believe in you. I believe in myself.
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