Day 87: Goddamn I love Sweden

First off, let me preface this by saying that Sweden has been such a crazy ride so far that I have not written one goddamn thing in about a month, and for that I apologize. I am currently “please smash my skull with a tire iron so I don’t have to feel this way ever again” hungover, so forgive me for any grammatical errors or misspellings. Also, I will be writing about a recent trip to Berlin that I participated in (or so I’ve been told) today as well, so forgive that one too. It’s going to be a long day.

Since it has been so long, I’ll give y’all an over view of my experience in Sverige so far (that’s right, I put it in Swedish, local as fuck already). My very first impression of Scandinavia in general was in the Copenhagen airport. I was walking aimlessly around the airport and one of those drivable baggage trollies was behind me. Instead of an obnoxious honk that I was used to back in the states, this man’s horn was a bell. It was adorable. Overall, this place is beautiful, but a bitch to figure out your way around. I’ve been here for a month already and I still get lost almost daily. The issue is all of the narrow streets and tall buildings. This makes it nearly impossible for people like me to orient themselves based on a few large landmarks, so you can only imagine what it’s like damn near black out drunk wandering the streets after midnight.

My apartment is north of most of Lund and I share it with two other females. Trust me, it’s not as cool as it sounds. My first flatmate I met seemed nice enough. She’s from Germany, so I assumed I’d have a beer drinking partner for at least the first week. Turns out, she hates beer and hardly drinks (compared to me and the degenerates I associate with) with an emphasis in nagging the shit out of me to buy free range tuna or whatever the fuck she goes on about. The other one is a masters student from Stockholm. She has a hard on for business and loves being in control, so you can only imagine how she and I get along sometimes.

Socially, the females are a different story. One of the first things I did was open up my Tinder and my eyes melted. I ran out of swipes within ten minutes and trust me, I was swiping conservatively. However, this was just a front. Little did I know that each Swede is more difficult to talk to than the next. I’m not sure what it is, but the Swedes are not all that outgoing. In fact, of the 9 messages I have sent out on Tinder, I have received a grand total of zero back. This does wonders for the self esteem. Furthermore, every girl I have tried to talk to at a bar or club has left within the first five minutes. That line from Borat that goes “you’ll never get this you’ll never get this” has never felt more real than it does right now. Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink…

Fuck the Systembolaget. These are the government run liquor stores that are spread throughout Sweden. In grocery stores and gas stations, the highest percentage of beer you are legally allowed to buy is 3.5%. The rest of the good stuff is controlled by the government and sold through the Systembolaget at ridiculously high prices. In the states, I can cop a fifth of shit vodka for around $10. Here, the absolute cheapest fifth of vodka I have found costs me $24. This whole alcoholism thing just got way more expensive. It is so expensive that I have actually created a spreadsheet that analyzes the amount, price, and alcohol percentage of different beverages to find out the best bang for my buck. I love this spreadsheet because it involves two of my favorite things: booze and math.

Lastly, the school moves at a snails pace compared to the bullet train that is SCU. I have so much free time now that I actually panic MORE because I feel like I’m missing something. Other than my classroom being a half hour walk away, school is easy.

Overall, Sweden is treating me right. The air is clean, the women are dimes, school is easy, and alcohol exists. What more could a man ask for?

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