Dealing with the Trauma of Leaving Religion Behind
Counsellor Caroline Winzenried discusses the unique trauma that comes with turning away from religion. It can result in a profound sense of loss and existential questioning but despite this, there is always hope. With a support system and the right help it can be liberating and empowering.
By Caroline Winzenried
Leaving a religion can be liberating and empowering, but it’s no easy feat. Even for the people who describe having a “lightbulb moment” where they ceased to believe in a higher power, it can be a long and messy process to disentangle themselves from the communities and complex constellations of beliefs that have been a part of their lives for so long. While each person’s experience is unique, research into this phenomenon has found some commonly shared underlying patterns including intense anxiety, grief, shame, self-esteem issues, and interpersonal challenges.
In the last decade, popular culture and the mental health world have begun to examine these patterns more critically. Together, these patterns are often given the name “religious trauma,” as many mental health professionals have noted the intense process of re-examining one’s life after leaving a religion can be profoundly traumatic.
In the general sense “trauma” refers to any events, or long-term circumstances, which fundamentally and negatively alter our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. For example, trauma often impacts our ability to trust that others can be relied on for support, as well as trust in our own agency and, other people’s or our own capacity for good.
“Trauma often impacts our ability to trust that others can be relied on for support, as well as trust in our own agency and, other people’s or our own capacity for good.”
To illustrate the trauma of leaving a religion, it may be helpful to take a look at how trauma manifests in one of the most universal challenges: existential questioning. One of the biggest challenges after leaving a religion is grappling with the existential questions that once seemed to have very clear answers. Existential questions are particularly fraught, because we often rely on the answers to those questions to define our place and our sense of purpose in life.
After leaving a religion, many people feel that they’ve been lied to about these existential answers. After losing faith in the people you once turned to for this all important insight, it can feel almost impossible to know what sources can be trusted to have credible information. What’s more, it can be hard even to trust in yourself and your own capacity for discerning truth and lies. This sense of distrust in oneself and in others can extend far beyond existential concerns and even into the minutiae of daily life. Some people find themselves in a state of constant questioning, always casting doubt on their own judgments and never sure who can be trusted.
“After losing faith in the people you once turned to for this all important insight, it can feel almost impossible to know what sources can be trusted to have credible information.”
The interpersonal challenges of religious trauma extend beyond these challenges of establishing trust. After leaving a religion, many people find that relationships with people connected to their former religious communities become strained and distant. This can take several forms, such as a feeling of disconnection, a refusal to accept or acknowledge your atheism, being (or feeling) left out of events, or even being cut off completely. This can be particularly devastating when it occurs within a family — or with your entire community.
For some people, there is trauma not only in what is lost, but also in what refuses to go away. In a paper published in 2019, E. Marshall Brooks described his findings from interviewing a group of ex-Mormons about their experiences leaving the faith. The interviewees described intrusive and distressing emotional responses that refused to go away no matter how successfully they intellectually rejected the belief systems that rationalized them. Brooks dubbed these cognitively-disconnected emotional responses “embodied memories.”
“There is trauma not only in what is lost, but also in what refuses to go away.”
These “embodied memories” are often rooted in fear and shame. For example, even after no longer believing in them cognitively, many people still carry with them a strong sense of fear around concepts such as Hell and Armageddon. Sexuality-based “embodied memories,” such as the idea that anyone who has sex outside of marriage is “dirty” and “broken,” can also provoke an intense shame response even in people who cognitively dismiss the underlying ideologies. These intrusive and confusing emotional responses can be particularly traumatic and challenging to heal from.
As with any trauma, healing from religious trauma is most effective when it is bolstered by a strong support system. Sharing your story and hearing from others who share your experiences can be a powerful way to make sense of what you’ve been through and to know you’re not alone. There are some wonderful support groups in Australia, such as the Ex-Religious Support Network (run by Humanists Victoria Committee Member and long-standing humanist, Les Allan) and Recovering From Religion (Sydney based online Meetup group run by Sherrie d’Souza), which offer a supportive space to share your experiences.
Counselling is another great resource that can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore and process your experiences in depth. I have been fortunate to have had the opportunity to process my own journey through counselling and have seen firsthand the difference that support makes. As a counsellor myself, I consider it a great privilege to be able to work with others who are struggling with leaving religion and to support them in their journeys. If you’re interested in giving counselling a try, the Secular Therapy Project website provides a list of local counsellors and psychologists who have been thoroughly vetted to ensure that they’re committed to bringing a secular approach to their work.
It is possible to heal and recover. Many people who search for meaning and a compassionate worldview after leaving religion find answers in movements such as humanism. Volunteering, activism, or embracing thoughtful ways of addressing contemporary problems can also help to rebuild community and a sense of altruism.
“It is possible to heal and recover. Many people who search for meaning and a compassionate worldview after leaving religion find answers in movements such as humanism.”
At the end of the day, it’s about rebuilding the person you truly are and finding new ways of dealing with the many questions we all have about how we should live our lives.
Find out more about humanism here: https://humanistsaustralia.org/
