Being a better dad than my dad

Thoughts from Father’s Day

What kind of father did you have when you were growing up?

Was he someone who provided for the family, worked hard and put food on the table, but couldn’t express affection and was emotionally distant?

Was he the kind of father who was full of smiles and hugs, but couldn’t get himself sorted out?

Both of these dads can be good dads. Neither can be an excellent dad.

My own father fell into the first category, and although my childhood was far from traumatic (it was very suburban and largely uneventful), I have realised that it was Mum who bore the responsibility of keeping the family together, and along with her traditional 1980s roles of cooking, cleaning, and working part-time, her capacity for emotion was pretty limited. It has taken some very patient friends (and girlfriends) to help me develop my emotional side over the years, and even now it surprises and confuses me — my eyes always get itchy during films like The Pursuit of Happyness (I’ll say a lot more about fatherhood movies later) and I sometimes even shed a confused tear at the end of Deal Or No Deal.

So the challenge is to be a better parent than your parents. Think about the mistakes they made, the things they did that you still hold a grudge for, and how you would do it better.

Now, having been through divorce, my parenthood has had to be sharpened to a point.I get only limited time with my daughter (although I have a good verbal arrangement with her mother), but this allows me to be much more focussed on my parenting. With my daughter now depending on me not just for food, clothing, and shelter, but for constant attention and entertainment as well, doing it solo can be exhausting. But it is its own reward. Only a few days ago I had a misunderstanding with her where she thought I had said that I wasn’t a good dad. She immediately dropped what she was doing and said sincerely, “no, you’re the best Dad ever!”

I didn’t cry, but I tucked it away into my long-term memory. I’ll be reminding myself of that pearl during her teenage years.