Hope

Once upon a time in ancient India, there lived a poor beggar in the holy city of Kashi. He sustained his life through begging for food and money. Many days, he would receive nothing much and would have to go to bed hungry. Although living in such dire conditions, the beggar was arrogant, egotistical, entitled with a violent temper. One day, as luck would have it, the beggar got quite a bit of rice flour with which he could make rice gruel. The beggar was delighted. He brought his begging bowl home and tied it up to the low ceiling of his hut and lay underneath it on his cot. Soon he fell fast asleep and started day dreaming.

He imagined that a great famine would strike the city of Kashi the next day and there would not be a morsel of food anywhere. Suddenly his pot of flour would become very precious. He would sell his pot of flour to the highest bidder and get two gold coins. With these coins, he would buy himself a couple of goats. Soon the goats would procreate and become a herd. He would trade in his herd of goats for some cows and buffaloes. Within a short time, he would become the largest supplier of milk in the city. Then he would sell his milk farm and start trading in precious gems. Money and fame would follow him in abundance. He would build a large mansion with beautiful gardens and orchards. Hearing about his name and fame, the King of Kashi would offer his beautiful daughter’s hand in marriage which he would gladly accept.

Although a Princess, he would expect his wife to be humble and subservient to him. She would obey his every command. Soon they would have a few kids. He would also raise them with strict discipline. If either his wife or kids disobeyed or misbehaved, he would show them who is in charge by kicking them with his strong legs. Dreaming like this, the beggar kicked his feet in the air violently many times until it hit the hanging pot which crashed and fell to the ground. The flour was splashed everywhere on the mud floor and with that all the dreams of the beggar came crashing down.

This ancient tale from the Panchatantra is an apt example of what we call daydreaming, building castles in the air and magical thinking. How many of us have become victims of magical thinking at various points in our life? I am pretty confident that each one of us can identify at least one example of magical thinking. Children often amuse us with their magical thinking and fantasies. In fact, such imaginary play is often very healthy for their brain development and creativity. However, as adults such magical thinking can only get us into trouble; sometimes very serious trouble. I once met a client who saw certain irresponsible behaviors and immature tendencies in her boyfriend while they were dating. He was an adolescent in an adult’s body. Hoping that something would change in him after marriage, she married him but alas nothing changed. Then she hoped that having kids would perhaps force him to grow up and had a couple of kids all the while seeing his behaviors only getting worse. A decade and two kids later, she found herself in serious financial trouble, facing bankruptcy, credit card debt, and a bitter divorce. The sad part of this story is that at no point did he ever give her any evidence to the contrary that he was interested in adulting. He hid nothing from her. It was all there in plain sight for her to see. However, a combination of denial, magical thinking and fantasy power whispered in her ears as “Hope”. Such magical thinking can happen in marriages, parenting, business goals, career aspirations, addiction management and so on.

So, then what is the difference between magical thinking and hope? How can one discern when we engage in hope versus magical thinking? Brene Brown draws on the work of American Psychologist, C.R. Synder who came up with “Hope Theory”. According to Synder, Hope is a cognitive process and has three components. Brene outlines these three components as:

1. Realistic Goals

2. Flexible Plan (Tenacity to follow-through)

3. Belief in Oneself (Agency)

Our behavioral patterns do not change without effort, motivation and a sensible plan. We must first start with making realistic goals. Goals have to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-based.

If you do not set SMART goals, then there is a risk of falling into magical thinking. Do not choose fast, fun and easy over difficult, time-consuming and challenging goals.

Once you have established some realistic goals, then it is important to come up with a sensible plan. A plan is sensible if it matches your competence and resources and also has provisions in it for alternate choices. A good plan is like a guitar string — not too tight, not too loose, just the right tension. Finally, a healthy attitude is required to take it to completion: confidence in oneself, courage to seek help when needed, self-advocacy, determination, tenacity, growth mindset and a belief in an abundant universe with whom you are co-creating.

Hope and Power go together. Hopelessness, Powerlessness and Magical thinking go together. Brene concludes that at the heart of hope is tolerance for disappointment, determination, and belief in self. At the core of magical thinking is fear of disappointment, entitlement, and performance anxiety. Hope is a process, hope is learned through hard work and determination, hope is power and trust.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul — and sings the tunes without the words — and never stops at all. — Emily Dickinson