Non-Resistance
I kicked-off this year with my series on Enlightenment and outlined the three basic building blocks for the enlightened state namely — Non-Attachment, Non-Resistance and Non-Judgement. In my last blog, I discussed the topic of Non-Attachment. Today we shall explore Non-Resistance. In my experience, I have found that the single most effective indicator of an enlightened state is the stance of Non-Resistance. This is perhaps what J. Krishnamurthy meant by “Choiceless Awareness”. In the state of Non-resistance, one is ever present with each moment of life unfolding, offering no encouragement and no resistance to it. This is the state of complete surrender, trust and faith in the Universe’s plan for you. I have often noticed that this is the hardest thing for us to practice. Even those of us that consider ourselves spiritual, who attend Church, Temple or Mosque every weekend has a very hard time surrendering to the Divine plan or “What Is”. True faith requires complete surrender and dropping all resistance to life. Jesus embodied this stance so beautifully on the cross, which is a torture instrument, by surrendering with “Not my will but Thy Will be done”. And in offering no resistance, he transformed a torture instrument into a symbol of complete faith, trust, devotion, worship and surrender. A symbol of Non-Resistance.
Most of us walk around with a script in our hands for ourselves, others and the world. Unfortunately, our script is filled with shoulds, musts, shouldn’ts, what if’s, if only’s. Each one of these create an obstacle, a block for life to flow. It makes us feel helpless, hopeless and powerless. Life like water, when it is blocked, starts to stagnate and stink. A blocked flow creates dis-ease of the mind and body. The spiritual teacher Byron Katie says that there are three businesses in this world — our business, Universe’s business and other people’s business. Every time we suffer, we are in somebody else’s business, she says. I did not believe her until I noticed for about a week if this was true. And it is. That somebody else can be your partner, your child, you boss, your pet, your Senator, your weather, your body. The list goes on. Unfortunately, even though you might be a brilliant script writer, no one wants to follow your script. And that’s what creates the suffering born out of need for control over reality unfolding. And it fails again and again. Therefore, Byron Katie calls Reality as God. We are powerless against it.
So, then how does one deal with Resistance? I discussed at length about Resistance in one of my previous blogs — “Resistance is Futile”. As the saying goes, “Pain is inevitable, Suffering is Optional”. Pain is the impersonal human condition. Buddha said Birth is Dukka, Living is Dukka, and Death is Dukka. He then of course offered a way out of it. Non-resistance requires faith, trust and surrender. Those that have a spiritual practice and believe in a higher power may need to have faith that there is a spiritual solution to every problem and that if we go within and offer sincere prayers to the Divine, then perhaps we too shall be able to trust the Divine plan and see the higher good in everything. As Rumi said “surname each grief as grace”. Those that may be more agnostic may have to have faith in themselves, their own higher power, confidence that they can find a way through every problem. They may need to learn not take things personally, look if they have been caught up in Power/Powerlessness mix up and trust in life unfolding at its own pace and that there is a natural intelligence to life. This looks like resilience, confidence and trust in themselves. If one neither has trust in a higher power nor in themselves, then we seek to control rather than trust and hence suffer.
Resistance can show up in very simple or complex ways in our everyday life. It can show up as a minor irritation to our partner’s idiosyncrasies or as a major terminal diagnosis that we don’t want to accept. Byron Katie offers four questions to challenge any form of resistance which may come, as I said in the form of absolute statements that include words like should, must, shouldn’t, mustn’t and the like. These four questions are:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Once you have worked through these four questions there is one final statement which is called the turnaround statement, stating the opposite of your original belief. You can apply this model to any situation for yourself, others and the world. Let us apply this to an example. Let us imagine that you feel “My partner must know my needs without me having to spell it out at all time”.
1. Is this true?
Ask yourself if this statement is true. Collect objective evidence to both support and challenge this statement. Look at his patterns, your patterns. If you find out that he has never known your needs in all the time you have been together, are you in denial of the reality of the partnership? Or if he mostly does get you or is good at responding once you communicate it clearly to him, is it true that he needs to be a mind reader?
2. Can you absolutely know if this is true?
Very seldom do we encounter absolute truths. The Earth is round, the planets revolve around the Sun and the like. Most often there are no absolute truths, only what is true for me in this moment. As one Zen teacher put it, the essence of Zen is “not always so”. There is no law or ten commandments or Gospel truth that states that your partner must know your needs at all times. And if something is absolutely true like my partner has never shown any interest in my needs, then there is no point resisting that truth. Then we need to take action.
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
What do you feel when you believe that he must know your needs at all times? Perhaps you are angry, resentful, passive aggressive, critical, holding back your love, sad, and so on. How do you act? Perhaps you lash out, sulk, stay in bed, go on a shopping spree, surf the net.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Perhaps you would actually enjoy his company, be appreciate of all the things he does do for you, drop the stories about him, the labels you use to imprison him. Perhaps you would be kind and communicate to him clearly your expectations. Perhaps you might have no expectations and love him unconditionally. Perhaps you will be happy and stress free.
Once you have gone through the exercise, come up with turnaround statements. These may look like the following:
a. My Partner must not know my needs because he has never been attuned to me. Face reality. OR
b. I must know my needs. I must honor and respect my needs and be more attuned to them and communicate them clearly. I am responsible for me.
Practicing these four questions helps us objectively challenge our resistance and reduce our suffering. It helps us see with clarity what each situation requires of us and to see the problem as the problem rather than the person as the problem. It helps us practice choiceless awareness and mindful action born from a place of self-love, surrender, faith, courage and confidence. It helps us be proactive rather than reactive to life. It helps us to be at peace with “What Is”.
