The Alley Cat

There was once an old alley Cat. One day, as he was strolling around a rich neighborhood, he saw a young Aristocat chasing its tail. The young Cat was desperately trying to grab its tail in its mouth. Curious, the old Cat asked him what he was doing. The young Aristocat replied, “Oh, I was at a Cat retreat last week and I found out that we cats have our happiness stored in our tails. So, I am trying to grasp it in order for me to be happy all day.” The Old Alley Cat pondered over this information for a minute or so and then replied. “You know I have spent all my life in dark alleys and dirty streets. I am not young and sophisticated like you. I have no formal education or means to attend retreats like you. But I have learned a thing or two about life and happiness. It is indeed true that we cats have our happiness stored in our tails. What I learned is that if I go about minding my business and doing what I love, my tail seems to be following me wherever I go.”

Yesterday was Father’s Day and I am eternally grateful for all the wonderful fathers out there raising beautiful children. My young adult children threw an amazing dinner party for their father with a three-course meal and cocktails. As I watched my husband beaming with joy and reading the beautiful cards written by them, I was reminded of the alley Cat story that Wayne Dyer used to narrate. Many clients ask me about tools and skills for parenting and how to raise responsible, loving and caring children. Like the Aristocat, I learned about Parenting from my Alley Cat husband. While I devoured books and podcasts on parenting, he learned a thing or two in the back alleys. And whatever wisdom I have, I learned from him. There were two things that he taught me about being a parent. First is to model good well-being by never overextending himself as a parent. He taught me to be a Mother not a Martyr. He knew that if you overextended yourself as a parent, you would always feel underappreciated and resentful in the end. He was very good about boundaries and self-care which made him come across as a consistently loving and trustworthy parent. His “no” was as consistent as his “yes”. It made him appear as a calm and patient parent ever willing to help. But his help was never ever at the cost of his own well-being — physically, emotionally or financially. Oxygen mask first on yourself, then on your children is what he firmly believed in. However, neither of his children would ever describe him as selfish. Go figure!

The second thing he vehemently believed in is that the secret to good parenting is a healthy and happy marriage. From the day we got married, I always came first and three decades later, that is still true. As a result, we have never had a single fight or disagreement about parenting the children. We were always a team and we always had each other’s back. This then prevented us from triangulating the children in our marriage. Triangulation happens when the children become the third wheel in a marriage and they get caught up in the marital discord. This can happen in many ways. One or both of the parents can cross boundaries by using the children as a confidant, sharing too many intimate details of the marriage. Or, they can use one of the children as a default spouse and have them step up to fill the emotional/physical void left by the spouse. Or, they can overly invest in the children turning into tiger parents and hoping to fulfill all their unfinished dreams through the children. Or, they can sabotage each other as a couple while trying to parent the children by detouring their marital conflict through fighting about the kids. It can take many more flavors of dysfunction like this. Suffice to say, that healthy and wholesome parenting flows from a healthy Couple subsystem.

A family system is made up of many subsystems such as the Couple subsystem, the Sibling subsystem, the Parental subsystem and so on. Two things to me are key to a healthy family system: the individual well-being of the two parents as well as the health of the Couple’s relationship, married or not. When these two foundational systems are well in place, then when we do parent, it will be purely for the well-being of our children rather than a reaction to our own unmet needs. Children come into this world with their own blueprints of what it is that they have come to explore and co-create with the Universe. We as parents are like gardeners. We prep the soil, add good fertilizer, plant the seeds lovingly and water it regularly. Then we trust the natural intelligence of the seed to sprout, grow, mature, flower and bear fruit on its own timeline. Anytime we try to interfere in this process, we will end up hurting the plant and affecting the yield adversely. When it comes to parenting, less is more. Mind your own well-being and get out of their way as much as possible. My Alley Cat husband taught me that wisdom and it is no surprise that his children, nieces and nephews follow him like the Pied Piper.