The Tenth Man
In Vedanta, there is a very famous parable of the “Missing Tenth Man”. It goes something like this. Once upon a time there was a foolish Guru who had even more ignorant disciples. One day, the Guru and his nine disciples were crossing a river. The river was flowing with ferocity, due to recent rains. The Guru and his disciples had to swim across to reach the other bank. After everybody had crossed over, the Guru thought it might be wise to ensure that everyone made it across and no man was left behind. So, he made his disciples line up and counted them one by one. After counting them, but forgetting himself, the Guru was shocked when he realized that they were missing one. He lamented that one of them had drowned in the river. The disciples were in disbelief. They begged the Guru for a recount and he entrusted a senior disciple with the counting this time. So, the senior disciple lined them up and again counted everyone except himself. He too lamented that the Guru was indeed right. One of the brothers had drowned. Very soon, others took turns to count and ended up with the same conclusion. Surely, they had lost a brother. As they lay there on the river bank wailing and crying, a Wise man passed by and asked them what they were crying about. The Guru informed him about the tragic loss of one of his beloved disciples who drowned while crossing the river. “We were ten and now we are only nine”, lamented the Guru. The Wise man quickly appraised the situation. He gently implored the Guru to give him a chance to find the missing man. He asked the Guru to line them all up again and invited him to count them one more time. The Guru reluctantly agreed and as usual counted the disciples one by one and ended up with nine. “See, we are only nine. We lost one”, he retorted angrily. The Wise man gently took the hand of the Guru and turned it back towards his heart and said “You are the tenth man”. The Guru and the disciples were overjoyed and profusely thanked the Wise man for the miracle he performed.
This ancient metaphoric tale was often told to help us realize how we find ourselves lost in the world. We keep looking for something in the world of forms, often feeling a sense of loss, frustration, emptiness, sadness, grief, depression, anxiety or more often a low-grade dissatisfaction that seems to be constantly humming in the background. What are we all looking for? Or, more importantly, who are we looking for? We seem to be looking for a sense of self in the world of forms. The famous spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says that people, situations and things are not here to fulfill you and make you happy. We lose ourselves in our relationships, our roles, our titles, in pursuit of our ambition and take a rain check on our inner happiness believing that one day when we get all that we want, then we will begin the self-actualization project. But like the foolish Guru and his disciples, we find ourselves frustrated, confused and in disbelief that no matter what we may accomplish on the outside, something seems to be eluding us on the inside. Something is missing. Well, something is clearly missing. You!!
How many of us have lost ourselves in our marriages, in our role as parents, in our corporate careers, in our pursuit of the perfect life, in our denial about our aging bodies and sagging skins, even in our pursuit of enlightenment? When you have spent a few decades looking for yourself in the world, you begin to realize that perhaps you are never going to find yourself there. The next stage is people turning to philanthropy, Gurus and self-help books to find themselves there. Eckhart Tolle says that the most dangerous ego is the “Spiritual Ego”. Community service, Sunday mass, study groups, chant circles, many retreats later, you realize that all you have done is transferred your ambitious Type A personality from the corporate careers to your church groups, Zen retreats and Non-Profits. You are still looking for the tenth (wo)man. He/she is still missing.
So, how do we find ourselves? As the Wise man indicates in the parable, you can only find yourself within you, not outside of you. Nothing in the external world is going to complete you. But that sounds too abstract, doesn’t it? Many teachers have given thousands of pointers on how to do this. I share with you just one of them from Brene Brown. Brene teaches us how to honor and love ourselves from the within using what I call the three C’s — Courage, Compassion and Connection.
Courage to love ourselves; courage to choose ourselves; courage to disappoint others because we choose to not disappoint ourselves; courage to reach out and ask for help; courage to speak your truth and acknowledge it; courage to live your life with integrity. Living with integrity means choosing to honor what is true for you moment to moment and living from that inner knowing. Integrity means choosing what is right over what is fun, fast and easy, as Brene says.
Compassion is showing loving kindness towards yourself; towards your fragilities and imperfections; towards your many stumbles all day long; towards that harsh voice of the inner judge who uses contempt and criticism to motivate you; towards your many failures at achieving perfection; towards your many frustrations, irritations, overwhelm, myriad feelings that you feel all day long. Compassion is accepting that you are “Flawsome”, a term I have come to love, coined by the intuitive healer Robert Ohotto.
Through courage and compassion, we re-establish that connection with the spirit within, our divine essence, a piece of heaven, the missing link, the tenth man. When we feel that strong connection within, we can establish the strong connection without — with our family, our friends, co-workers, our community, our neighborhood, our homes, our land and our earth. Then perhaps we won’t lament about the loss of our beloved selves and perhaps we won’t need a wise other to rescue us from our self-abandonment.
“Remember, you’re the only one, you will never lose. You can look outside yourself to feel cherished — or you can learn to cherish yourself”.
- Edith Eger, 92yr old Best-Selling Author and Holocaust Survivor.
