7 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
Discovered on the dance floor
I first taught these 7 ‘secrets’ many years ago as part of my conscious movement and embodied inquiry program during a month-long residency at Studio Maui. I re-discover them daily on and off the dance floor.
And yes, even if you’re technically single, you can apply these secrets to your relationship with yourself too. Simply pick any important person in your life, or yourself, and see if these apply.
1. Spend time on your own before you venture into relating.
This is a no-brainer but so often disregarded, especially in emotionally fused relationships. Sometimes we have to be reminded that some answers are found within, and the intimacy we so long for begins at home — inside each of us.
2. When you look at your partner, focus on space rather than form.
This has taught me to open up my vision when I look at my lovely husband. Especially when I feel like I’m not getting what I want: to see my partner as the big, mysterious Life that s/he is, not just the answer to my need.
3. Show up to listen, and listen from the heart.
Another duh! But how often am I really willing to put my agenda aside for a moment and really listen to my partner?
4. Give yourself and hold onto yourself.
Are you really good at one or the other? Yeah, I know, me too. But maturity and depth in a relationship rely on both people being able to maintain their center and closeness at the same time.
Makes for way more interesting dances too.
5. Welcome everything; push away nothing.
A principle of Gestalt Practice, and also what we practiced during my years of working with the Zen Hospice Project.
When applied to the dance, or marriage, it allows me to give both you and me, limitless space to exist and permission to express.
Also known as Love.
6. In the place of limitation, find possibility.
Limitation is a fact of this our human existence. It also holds a vastly underestimated potential for liberation. The confines of monogamous marriage, a road trip, or an awareness inquiry that asks me to follow a certain form: that’s where freedom rings my friend!
7. Relax into the cycle of contraction and expansion.
Please join me in permanently boycotting the myth of uninterrupted happily ever after for it has created a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Let’s stop giving ourselves and each other a hard time for what is the natural cycle of life, dance, and relationship:
connection … disconnection … connection …. disconnection ….
Rinse & repeat.
Closing notes
I can’t wait till we dance together again and put these inquiries into action in an actual room, not just a zoom room. Meanwhile, why not try this at home? with your kids, or the pesky co-worker? Try #2, or #6 to begin with.
Let me know how it goes.
P.S. Here’s a bonus secret
I have a special place in my heart for you if you understand that the other is not the source of your pain nor the cure for it. That’s a tough one so we must be forgiven, you and I, if we are not there yet.
