How My Daughter’s Recent ASD Diagnosis Is Helping Me Embrace an Unconventional and Fully Authentic Business
It’s the non-conformists who change the world.
I’ve always known that our bright and spirited daughter was different.
From the age of one, it was apparent she was immensely cautious about everything. She’d analyze new situations with great scrutiny before deciding if it was safe to proceed.
She’d line up her toys in perfect symmetry and would lose total control if things weren’t “just so”.
She’d observe other kids but never join in.
She’d flat-out refuse her dinner if the food looked disorderly on the plate.
She demonstrated a curiosity well beyond her years by showing a profound interest in topics like death, the purpose of life, and had an insatiable desire to know everything she could about God and Jesus (even though we’re not religious or don’t follow any doctrine).
She’s highly sensitive to the energy and attitude of others and has an astute ear for a stern tone which she’s incapable of processing.
She lacks impulse control and struggles when things don’t go her way.
Her overactive fight/flight/freeze response gets activated by the slightest of things — especially amongst peers where she’s easily overwhelmed and senses a loss of control.
Her poor executive functioning often disables her from completing ordinary tasks and interacting with others in a positive manner.
To put it mildly, life is hard for my precious girl.
But through it all, she’s been my greatest teacher and guide.
Because of my beautifully autistic daughter, I’m learning to reparent and heal myself.
I’ve intuitively adopted a parenting style that challenges societal norms (and other parents scoff at).
We reduce her demands (for example, teeth brushing and bathing are particularly hard for her. We’ve reduced showering to twice per week (down from every other day), and if she can’t brush her teeth before bed, we compromise for a longer brush in the morning).
We learn all there is to know about ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile so we deeply know and understand her neurobiological complexities because most of the world will not.
And we do our best to make home her haven because I know firsthand how unsafe it can feel to be authentically neurodivergent.
Perhaps it’s why I’ve always been drawn to the path of non-conformity.
Whether it’s choosing a non-mainstream school for my daughter or following a non-mainstream approach for my business, there’s something innately within that says:
If everyone’s going left, I must go right.
Finding the spiritual meaning.
I’ve been reflecting a lot this past year and exploring ways to parent my children in a way that builds the bond, not break it as most methods teach.
And to outsiders, it looks as though I’m being “too lenient” or “not saying no enough”.
As a highly sensitive person myself, I see the stares and feel the judgment.
And I’m reminded of the harshness of the world and the lack of understanding and compassion for mental disorders.
As one mother told me, “We’re so grateful that our child’s disability is Down Syndrome because the world can accept a visible disability”.
The painstaking accuracy of her words made me acutely aware of the long and isolating road my family and special little girl are embarking on.
Recently, I was contemplating the spiritual meaning and lessons this path brings as it helps to restore my faith when I’m consumed with fear about her and her brother’s future.
And I thought I’d share a few things I’m learning as many of the lessons apply to growing an authentic business and embracing a fully authentic life.
Plus, if you’re a highly sensitive or neurodivergent person, I know how alienating it is and how misunderstood your intentions can be. And if I can offer something to help you feel less alone, this is my contribution, albeit small and unlikely to elicit much change.
But here it goes.
3 Lessons for living and embracing a fully authentic life and business
01. Intuitively you know what’s right for you
In your heart, you know.
When you get swayed by societal pressures and feel like you should be doing this or should be doing that — you’ll lose your compass.
I’ve found myself veering away from the peaceful parenting approach (the ideal parenting style I aspire to) and sliding back into the authoritative disciplinarian I was raised with when I feel the judgment of onlookers.
When I find myself slipping back into old forms of parenting that don’t align with my values, I pause and ask myself, is this something I believe in or is it an expectation that others have placed on me?
Usually, it’s the latter and then I’m confident in adjusting my approach and following through on the inner guidance I’ve been given.
But challenging societal norms isn’t easy.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve been taught to place our destiny in the hands of others. People who seem more expert. More knowledgable. Have more authority. Rather than trusting our own instincts and remembering we have everything we need within us to succeed.
You know the right path for you, your business, and your life. Keep trusting.
02. Surround yourself with people who support you
The path of non-conformity can be a lonely journey. Build a supportive network of people who inspire you. Love and accept you. Share a similar point of view. And most importantly, spend the most time around those who get you instead of feeling underappreciated by those who don’t.
When you have an unconventional way of going about life or business, from parenting to living your purpose, from marriage to how you market your business, there are fewer people who’ll relate with your choices.
Whether it’s clients or collaborators, Facebook friends or fans, stand firm in your beliefs (and share them often) so you can engage the people who align with your philosophy and gain confidence by surrounding yourself with people who value what you have to offer.
Find supportive people to exchange ideas with. Brainstorm with. Vent To. Be yourself with. And establish boundaries with those you can’t.
03. Don’t conform to fit someone else’s ideals or expectations
There’s a Japanese proverb “the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.”
Meaning, any deviance from cultural norms or expectations is met with great resistance.
Conformity is a survival skill.
By twelve, I was a master chameleon. I could contort my personality to fit almost any dynamic and be exactly who others expected me to be.
I wasn’t consciously playing a “character” or choosing to be disingenuous. It was a survival skill I’d learned in primary to help deflect unwanted attention for being different where I was liable to be criticized.
But you can’t feign who you are for long.
By my early teens, I was on a path of total destruction. Smoking, drinking, self-harming, anorexic, delinquent, and frequently using drugs to numb out and stop feeling the discomfort of being in my own skin.
But thankfully, the older I grew, the more my self-awareness did, too.
Going against the grain is hard.
Standing up for your beliefs can be scary.
Being who you are when “being who you are” challenges outdated systems and old ways of thinking takes colossal courage.
But don’t let it stop you.
Keep trusting your inner guidance and know that your path is with purpose.
Find your people and put limitations on the ones who aren’t.
And above all else, have the strength to be your true self.
Living authentically means living in a way that’s true to you. It aligns with your soul and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.
Everything else is just a distraction.
If you’re still reading, thank you.
It probably means there’s an innate rebel/outlier/misfit within you.
You don’t conform to the system, you change it.
Or maybe, like me, you’re the square peg who doesn’t fit into any predefined niche or role and that can leave you feeling lost at times.
But, just remember —
It’s the non-conformists who change the world. The ones who are brave enough to challenge societal ideals and patriarchal systems that hold us back.
If you’ve been called to the path of non-conformity — the world needs you to keep walking. 🤍
Your work is needed.
Your message needs to be heard.
Your gift needs to be shared.
It’s time to ruffle a few feathers and make some noise.
With so much love and light,
