The Three Modes of Conversation

No two conversations are exactly alike, but there are different patterns to conversations you can observe. Being aware of these patterns, and having skill navigating them, you’re more likely to have the kinds of conversations you’d like to be having. Over time, you’ll cultivate more fulfilling relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and intimate partners. These three modes of conversation are a roadmap to assist you in doing exactly that.

Sometimes, a conversation is practical as we seek to exchange information or complete a task. This is an example of the informational mode. At other times, a conversation is personal, where we share in the warmth of human connection. This is an example of the personal or emotional mode.

For many, these two modes cover most conversations — informational on one hand, and the personal or emotional on the other.

The third mode is the relational. These conversations address something about our relationship or interaction. Skill at relational conversations is a key indicator of relational intelligence.

Your relational intelligence is how you will have more of the connections you want. It’s how you’ll have a greater impact on others. With mastery of the three modes, you’ll cultivate extraordinary relationships everywhere you go.

First, notice the mode of conversation. Then, notice how your experience lines up with your intentions. From there, you’ll be able to better guide the conversation. Doing this will unleash greater possibilities for more creativity and connection with others.

Let’s look at how these three modes work.

#1 The Informational Mode

Many of our everyday conversations are informational. We exchange data. The informational mode doesn’t have a lot of emotion. It‘s often practical, serving a task, a project, or a goal. For example, things like —

“Please, would you point me towards the restroom?”

“Can I get your ideas about this problem I’m working on?”

“What do you think of this contract they’ve offered us?

“It looks like they’ be serving lunch in the next room.”

“Would you please pass the salt?”

“What do you think about the new company policy?”

An informational conversation can also serve a sense of connection. Having no shared task or goal to speak of, you might enjoy talking about stuff. This happens often in discussing shared hobbies, interests, or fandoms — “geeking out” so to speak.

“Have you heard the latest fan-theory about how things are going to pan out?”

“That was my favorite part of the book!”

Here’s how to recognize the informational mode: the conversation is about something other than ourselves. It’s sometimes practical and sometimes fosters connection. But it’s not deeply personal.

In earlier years, most of my conversations were in the informational mode. I worked hard at sounding smart and having something interesting to say. I felt identified with my knowledge and intellect. The best way I knew to satisfy my need for connection was to find something in common to talk about. While this kind of worked, I wasn’t satisfying my deepest needs.

I found much more satisfaction as I learned how to have more personal, emotional, and relational conversations. In my enthusiasm, I started treating the informational mode as something superficial. I got into a habit of hurrying conversations deeper, to make them more “authentic.” Instead of tactfully guiding conversations to deeper levels, this approach would often backfire.

Looking back, I describe this pattern as going full authenti-bot, succumbing to authentic alien imposter syndrome.

I share this in the spirit of appreciation for the informational mode. It’s rarely sexy, exciting, or deep. But it’s more than superficial, or merely practical. This informational mode of conversation is essential.

#2 The Personal/Emotional Mode

We often enjoy conversations in a personal or emotional mode. This is usually the type of interaction people describe as “deep and meaningful.” At their best, these fulfill our needs for connection and belonging.

Sometimes this mode feels like something relaxed, familiar, safe, even casual. It’s often with a trusted friend. Sometimes it happens late at night with the right mix of people and conviviality. It happens when we open up and share in the safe space of a support group. Or it happens when sharing a personal story, inviting a sense of contact with listeners or readers.

We’re no longer discussing things. Instead, we are talking about our selves and our feelings. This mode moves us toward cultivating connection and trust, less so toward achieving tasks and goals.

In this mode, we share something exciting or we open up about something difficult. We regale one another with tales of experience. Sometimes we laugh or well-up with feeling. In so doing, we often develop a sense of comradeship and closeness with each other. Here are some examples —

“I was just laid-off from my job, and I’m feeling uncertain about my future.”

“Supporting my parents in their old age is starting to weigh heavily on me.”

“I just had a rare and meaningful conversation with an old friend and I’m feeling pleased!”

“You’re not going to believe what my little toddler got into today!”

“I just had a break-up and I feel sad,”

“I’m excited about this new project at work!”

“I’m enjoying a new intimate relationship, and I feel ecstatic!”

We can meet a lot of our needs for connection in this mode, usually much more so than in the informational mode.

As the listener, you might feel an urge to comfort, reassure, or advise someone who is opening up to you in a vulnerable way. You might also feel uncomfortable — uncertain of how to respond, or even eager to change the topic. If so, I recommend greater receptivity. Getting someone’s world is one way of following your curiosity and clarifying your understanding. You can open yourself to an empathic connection. This can give you a sense of what it might have felt like for you to have had the experience they’ve shared. Human beings share innate capacities for empathy and understanding. And I believe we can cultivate these with practice.

As the speaker, you might feel vulnerable when sharing something personal and emotional. You might re-experience distressing feelings as you recount certain events. Your story might not be relatable for some listeners. You might bring up sensitive topics for them. They might feel uncomfortable. They might try to change the topic. They might start talking about their own feelings or stories, leaving you wondering if they even heard what you shared. You might take a risk to open up to share about yourself and end up feeling disappointed. A desire for belonging, connection, or acceptance may remain unsatisfied.

Many of us can relate to these experiences of discomfort as the listener or vulnerability as the speaker. The informational mode is safer, emotionally speaking than the personal/emotional mode. But playing it safe by sticking with the informational mode isn’t likely to satisfy. In my work, I’ve found most people want to experience more quality connection than they’ve had. But they don’t know how. Most often they’re limited to a small circle of confidants or the luck of circumstance. And, they’re wishing for something more.

That’s how it was for me. The trust and openness that led to the connection I wanted seemed like happy accidents. I reassured myself, “It’ll just happen on its own if it’s meant to be.” This was only a small comfort. Eventually, I had to face up to my dissatisfaction. I had to find another way. And I did. One key component was learning how to become adept with relational conversations.

#3 The Relational Mode

Sometimes we wish to address something about our relationship or conversational dynamic. To do this, we use the relational mode. The thought of this type of interaction may fill you with excitement, dread, or a little of both. In any case, relational conversations are necessary. Sooner or later we get into them with the people we interact with regularly.

Relational conversations can be powerful and extraordinary. We can guide our dynamic into a greater sense of shared purpose and mutual connection. An ability to navigate relational conversations with finesse requires a high degree of relational intelligence.

In its most elementary form, the relational mode is a simple and practical way to steer an interaction. We encounter this on a near daily basis, for example —

“…I’m enjoying our talk, but I’ve got a meeting soon. Let’s continue over lunch?”

Notice here how, in a moment, the topic shifted from whatever was being discussed to the interaction itself. This illustrates the essence of the relational conversation — it’s about the relationship. I’m still bewildered when someone drops a conversation midway, leaving me with no sense of when, or if, they intend to return. Though this is a simple relational example, it makes a big difference.

Relational conversations happen during transitions as we create new arrangements — hiring or firing, escalating or de-escalating a romantic connection, or negotiating a business deal. We’re in the relational mode any time we’re addressing the terms of our relationship. These can be brief or involve a more in-depth discussion.

Sometimes, a relational conversation doesn’t coincide with a transition. A desire to get into something about each other often leads to a relational conversation. This could look like giving or receiving feedback, navigating conflict, expressing interest, acknowledging something you appreciated, or revealing something you’ve been holding back.

You can also use the relational mode to enhance a sense of connection in the present moment. Do this by first attending to your experience. Notice your sensations, thoughts, desires, and emotions, and then reveal something about them. Here’s a simple phrase to use —

“Being with you, I’m noticing…”

You can also use questions like these to guide the conversation into this relational mode —

“What’s it like to hear that?”

“What’s it like to share this with me?”

“How are you feeling being with me?”

“What’s happening for you right now?”

This form of relational dialogue focuses on the present moment. These exchanges can be thrilling with a willing partner. They can also quicken a sense of intimacy, even with someone you’ve only just met.

Communicating about our experience with one another, to one another, enlivens our interactions. Our sensations of alertness, focus, and presence often rise. Our words convey intentions and actions, not merely descriptions. We sense things are getting real. This truly matters.

I wasn’t all that skillful when I begin attempting relational conversations more intentionally. Sometimes, I was downright awkward. I would sometimes start off, “Being with you I’m noticing…” only to meet a blank stare. I got the sense they were wondering, “Why is he saying this?” I would feel confused, wondering how this “worked” at the authentic relating workshop, but not in the “regular world”.

Yes, I had become an authenti-bot once again. I was taking a leap too far, all at once.

To resolve this, I learned to better attune to others. I learned to sense moments where a transition to something relational might be more welcome. I learned the importance of context, intention, and consent. I became more aware of my motivations. I learned to articulate my desires in a more inviting way.

It turned out I needed to learn about setting context. In the practice of authentic relating, setting context is the primary approach to inviting others to take part in a mutual experience. As such, it is one way to guide conversations into a more relational mode. If you’re wondering if setting context is itself a relational conversation, you’d be right. It is a principal form, though by no means the only form, of relational conversation. Due to its primacy, setting context is a topic unto itself which I discuss in greater detail elsewhere.

As you practice authentic relating, you may develop a taste for mingling in the relational mode, especially of the here-and-now variety. This is what goes on at Authentic Relating Game Nights and in the group conversation practice known as Circling. Perhaps you’ve already experienced these. These intensely relational experiences can accelerate the development of your relational intelligence.

Over time, you’ll learn to dip into the relational mode with just the right touch. Doing this, you’ll realize the relational mode is a channel for navigating any kind of conversation. You’ll use it to guide interactions through all the modes, including the informational and the personal/emotional modes.

Relational conversations will serve your most consequential relationships. Over time, you’ll build powerful alliances, effective collaborations, mutually rewarding arrangements, and profound intimacies.

Consider this an invitation to venture boldly into the relational domain. This is the native territory of authentic relating. With this framework, you’ll notice your conversations flowing through all three modes. You’ll recognize opportunities to guide interactions in ways which suit you. If you’re like me, you’ll wonder how you got along without this vital map.

I’ve embarked on the project to present all the principles and practices of authentic-relating in a clear and practical way. These will include things you can do. One day, this will become a book. I welcome your feedback. I’d love to hear how it’s working for you. And how it isn’t. Please sign-up here to stay current. I would be grateful for your financial support in making this project a reality.