Author Aisha Gordon-Hiles On How To Get Past Your Perfectionism And ‘Just Do It’

An Interview With Karina Michel Feld

Sit down and have a conversation with yourself about the areas in your life where perfectionism particularly hinders you. Once you know that, you can start to plan, mitigate against, and support yourself in those areas. If we are talking about business, you don’t have to be great at everything. Those areas where perfectionism may hinder you the most might be areas you pass on to someone in your team, or you might hire somebody to take on that area.

Many successful people are perfectionists. At the same time, they have the ability to say “Done is Better Than Perfect” and just complete and wrap up a project. What is the best way to overcome the stalling and procrastination that perfectionism causes? How does one overcome the fear of potential critique or the fear of not being successful? In this interview series, called How To Get Past Your Perfectionism And ‘Just Do It’, we are interviewing successful leaders who can share stories and lessons from their experience about “how to overcome the hesitation caused by perfectionism.

As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Aisha Gordon-Hiles.

Aisha Gordon-Hiles is an internationally sold author, and accredited counselor, with extensive experience working with adults, children, and young people. Her counseling work is trauma informed and heavily influenced by psychodynamic and humanistic principles. Through the sales of her book and her counseling work, she has helped thousands of individuals learn the tools they need to cope with all that life throws at them, and she is on a mission to help more.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

Ooooh straight in with the tough ones, I like it!

Well, I was raised by a perfectionist! I grew up as an only child for the first seven years of my life, and then was joined by a sister whom I became extremely jealous of. I didn’t like the reality of sharing my mother’s attention!

I went through a lot of trials and tribulations growing up, including trauma, domestic violence, issues with eating, issues with self-esteem, issues with self-confidence, self-acceptance — Essentially, all the issues with the self!

But I also had a very nurturing and loving upbringing with a lot of opportunities (not the most, but also not the least). From the age of 6, I knew I wanted to be a counsellor. I didn’t know what a counsellor was, but I knew I wanted to help people. I had a lot of pain inside me, and I didn’t feel like I had anywhere to put it, or anyone to give it to. So, I was inspired to take on the mission of helping others so that there wouldn’t be little children struggling like I did.

At the age of about 11 or 12, I set up an agony aunt advice service at my school. I encouraged people to come and talk to me about their problems. I made little business cards and told them they would get a free lip gloss if they came and spoke to me!

No one came, but the sentiment was there… From then on, I followed that path. Either placing myself in situations where I could help and support, or having life throw them at me, with no choice as to whether I took them on or not. And then, when I got old enough to choose, I chose to study the world of becoming a helping professional, to back-up my personal and lived experiences with academic rigor. I processed my journey and my pain, and today, I help people all over the world do exactly the same.

Can you please give us your favourite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

My favourite life lesson quote would have to be… “The farthest distance in the world is between how it is, and how you thought it was going to be”.

I wish I knew who said that quote, so I could know their story behind it. For me, I guess the story behind it is that I think it describes the story of all our lives. We have these ideas, rules, and theories about how things should be, and oftentimes those things are the things that hurt and disappoint us, and hold us back. By remembering that how you think something is going to be isn’t always how it is, you can bring balance to your cognitive processing, but also keep yourself open to the possibilities of life.

For me, I never imagined at 6 years old, when I decided I wanted to help people, that I would have helped thousands of people; that I would have written an internationally sold book; that I would be by currently writing a poetry book about processing trauma, self-loathing and all the other ups and downs that life throws; and be writing a book on how to create an emotionally nurturing experience on social media!

I never dreamed I would have been able to influence so many people in such a positive way. I knew I would help people, but I really thought it was going to be on a much smaller scale.

So, for me, the farthest distance has been between how it is, and how I thought it was going to be.

Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?

Absolutely!

The film is called “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”. It is by Tyler Perry. I think I watched this film when I was about 13 or so, but when I think back on it, I remember myself a lot younger. Anyway, I can tell you that the film traumatised me! But it was an instrumental part of the woman I have become. There’s a scene in the film where a man decided he didn’t want to be with his wife anymore. He pulls her out of the house by her hair, and then is seen arm-in-arm with her younger woman going into the home. That scene and how that woman was left afterwards never left me.

Now, I’m not sure if I should have been watching that film at that age, but I’m so glad that I did. The trauma of seeing that woman crying her eyes out on the doorstep of her mansion home (that she no longer owned) and how cold the man was towards her lit fire in me. It, along with the role models I had in my life, made me want to get my own. It made me ensure that I took care of myself financially, so that I would never end up in a situation like that.

You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

I think I would have to say…

1. Growth mindset — Having a mindset that allows me to see the possibilities, as well as (but always larger than) the problems, is a gift that I will forever be grateful for. I genuinely enjoy solving problems and finding solutions to things that feel impossible to others. It excites my soul. This helps me to be so successful in what I do.

2. Passion — I don’t even know if I can put into words how much passion I have for what I do. I am fortunate enough to be guided by my own drive and determination, as well as the forces of life, it’s spiritual.

Everything that I have experienced in my life to date, shows me that I am meant to use myself to help and heal others. Because of that, my passion is sometimes so much that it’s hard to physically contain!

3. Humility — I genuinely believe one of the biggest reasons I am so successful in helping and supporting people is because I bring myself as a real human being into our work. I don’t view myself as more important than, or better than, the people I support. I have warts and flaws too. I use the entirety of myself to foster genuine connections with the people I help and support. This allows me to connect with where they are, understand them, and help them shine.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly is a perfectionist? Can you explain?

I think most people would say a perfectionist is somebody who likes to get things right. But I think for a perfectionist, it goes way deeper than that. A perfectionist is usually somebody who stumbled upon perfectionism as an opportunity for love and affection from their primary caregiver. A perfectionist is usually somebody who, through that upbringing, learns to believe they needed to be “perfect” to fit into their family dynamic, and to be loved.

The premise of this interview series is making the assumption that being a perfectionist is not a positive thing. But presumably, seeking perfection can’t be entirely bad. What are the positive aspects of being a perfectionist? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?

I would totally agree with you. In fact, chapter three in my book, What the Hell is Life, is about exactly that… How to look at the different parts of ourselves as both positive and negative, to balance the way we see ourselves.

I think in the right places, at the right times, perfectionism can be fantastic! Perfectionism is the thing that drives a lot of people’s successes, you know, it helps you to have a good eye. If you are a designer, for example, your perfectionism may lead to greater customer satisfaction for your work, because your work would be polished to a high standard. That standard is likely to be even higher than was expected.

Another example is, you’re likely to be seen as somebody who cares about the work that they do. You’re likely to put all your efforts into making sure that the work you do is of a good standard, and it’s reflective of who you are as a person.

At the end of the day, in any business, a level of perfectionism is needed, because when you’re competing against so many people for contracts, or some form of limelight, it’s your perfectionism; i.e., attention to detail, way of looking at the issue, or ability to get things done at lightning speed (for example) that is going to make you stand out from the crowd.

What are the negative aspects of being a perfectionist? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?

For me, the most negative aspect of perfectionism is its subjectiveness. What I mean by that is, there is no “one way” of being perfect, so perfectionists often measure themselves against unrealistic expectations.

As a consequence of this, the need for perfection can end up holding you back. It can be a really interesting juxtaposition, because oftentimes the perfection is also, as I said before, the thing that would have gained you approval growing up. Unfortunately, as you grow older, it is often the thing that becomes your biggest enemy. But, at the same time, it’s also the thing that gives them the greatest sense of comfort and stability. Because it’s familiar — Confusing, right?

To give an example, imagine a family with one parent and two children. The parent is very strict, and has very high expectations of their children. One of the children responded to that by acting out, and being very disruptive. They were loud and taking up a lot of the emotional and mental space within the home. The other child is then left to find a way to be seen and heard, next to the first child. Oftentimes, when you’ve got a child in a family that takes up a lot of mental and emotional space, the other children will try to fit into the gaps where they can.

In this example, the second child sees their sibling, and how much space they’re taking up, and feels like there’s no room for them to be loud or state their needs. The parent is so focused on the other child, that their actions now reinforce the second child’s belief that there is no space for my needs. So, what does the second child do? The second child learns to be good; to not make a fuss, to not cause any tension, and they get praised (by their parent) for being “the good child”.

Therefore, to continue that praise, and continue getting the attention that they would have to fight for in the presence of their other siblings’ needs and energy, they continue to be “perfect”.

From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common reasons that cause a perfectionist to “get stuck” and not move forward? Can you explain?

From my experience, the biggest thing that tends to get a perfectionist stuck is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being seen in a negative light. All the things that might be considered as “negative” attention.

If we think back to my earlier example, the child who learnt perfectionism is likely to fear the disapproval of their strict parent. This is because disapproval goes against our instinctual drives for connection.

On a lighter note, another thing that tends to cause perfectionists to get stuck is not setting SMART goals for the task that is being carried out. People often say things like “it needs to be better”.

I challenge that and ask more questions, you know, like “what does better look like?”, “what does it feel like?”, “what does it sound like?”. Because better isn’t a measure, and we often set ourselves up for failure when we don’t have specific and measurable outcomes, for the thing that we are trying to achieve. So, what happens for perfectionists is they don’t know when to stop because they haven’t set themselves up with a specific enough target.

Here is the central question of our discussion. What are the five things a perfectionist needs to know to get past their perfectionism and “just do it?” Please share a story or example for each.

True to my analytic nature, I would say the first of the five things a perfectionist would need to know to get past perfectionism, and just do it would be:

1. Get familiar with your pain point. By this I mean, take the time to understand what’s behind your need for perfectionism. Help it become your friend, rather than your enemy. I just want to put in a little caveat here, because it’s so easy to judge yourself. So, I would advise you to do this reflection with someone you feel safe with. This can be a professional, but it could also be a friend or a family member, or a member of the community/spiritual or religious group. If you know what is driving it, you can’t prevent it from hindering you.
2. In line with that, I would say sit down and have a conversation with yourself about the areas in your life where perfectionism particularly hinders you. Once you know that, you can start to plan, mitigate against, and support yourself in those areas. If we are talking about business, you don’t have to be great at everything. Those areas where perfectionism may hinder you the most might be areas you pass on to someone in your team, or you might hire somebody to take on that area. Then I would say once you’ve got an awareness of what’s going on for you, that’s where the fun begins!
3. Set yourself up for success by creating small and measured opportunities for you to challenge your perfectionism. A really nice way you can do this is with creativity. Try drawing, painting, singing, writing poetry, making things, baking, or cooking. When doing those things, try and allow yourself to navigate outside the box, just ever so slightly. For example, use the colour brown for the sky or experiment with using a new ingredient. In doing this, you will start to free yourself of the chains of your perfectionism in your personal life, and this will then start to seep into your professional life.
4. Grab yourself a couple of cheerleaders. We all need positive encouragement, and what better way to be encouraged than to be cheered on constantly. Identify people in your life or in your team that can become your cheerleaders. You might want to be honest with some of these people, and let them know that you’re struggling with perfectionism in certain areas. You can ask them to encourage you when they see you doing the behaviors that indicate you are struggling. If you feel uncomfortable with being honest and open with people that know, join an online support group. I run one specifically for women who want to understand the different aspects of themselves, why they do things, and how to use the different parts to help them rather than hinder them. If you’re interested in joining my group, you can find it on Facebook by typing in Strong Girl’s Self-Acceptance Society in the search bar.
5. Then finally, I would say, set yourself up for success by using smarter goals. Now, you may have heard of the term SMART goals, which is the traditionally used concept.

I like to add the letters E and R to the end to help you get even more out of it. For those of you who are unfamiliar with SMART goals, SMART stands for:

• Specific

• Measurable

• Achievable

• Realistic

• Timely

So, be thoughtful and specific about what you want to focus on. Pick a goal that is measurable so you can continually monitor your process. Set yourself up for success by choosing something that is achievable (and no, this doesn’t mean you’re taking the easy way out, something can be achievable and still difficult). Be realistic when choosing your goal. Think about how it will affect your daily life. Be clear when setting your end time, or date.

Knowing there’s an end in sight will help you focus and push yourself. The “ER” that I add on the end stands for explain and resources. This ties in all the other tips I’ve just mentioned with this last one.

Explain the drive or intention behind the goal, who is it really for? So, thinking back to tip 1, what is the driving factor behind me wanting this? Then resources. What resources might you need to support yourself? What will help you achieve the goal? This ties in tips 3 and 4.

For anyone who wants to delve deeper into this, I also run a workshop on personal goal setting and life planning that you can express your interest in through the contact forms on my website.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

I think I’d have to say the movement I am currently working on! Helping people understand themselves and others. I genuinely believe that 90% of the world’s problems come from people not understanding themselves, and people not understanding others. In fact, I would also add to that and say that it is also people not understanding themselves in relation to others. We, as human beings, have had an issue with both ourselves, and difference since the dawn of time. The need to control others, the need to scapegoat others, the need to pretend to be something that we are not.

This coupled with the fact that our society is so geared towards us ignoring our pain, and the things that make us uncomfortable, instead of processing them and understanding them, means that society, is essentially setting us all up for failure. I plan to do my best to reverse that!

Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!

Oh, this is a tough one! There are so many people… But I think I’m going to say Iyanla Vanzant. She is an incredibly inspiring woman, and her legacy precedes her.

How can our readers follow you online?

Website: www.selfforhelp.com

Instagram: @selfforhelp

Facebook: @selfforhelp

Facebook group for women: strong girls self-acceptance society or https://bit.ly/3r5Ders

Free self-acceptance eBook: https://bit.ly/3rav5SO

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!