Alexandra McNulty On How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally
An Interview With Maria Angelova
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably being authentic and vulnerable.
Being vulnerable and authentic are some of today’s popular buzzwords. It may seem counterintuitive to be vulnerable, as many of us have been taught to project an air of confidence, be a boss, and act like we know everything. In Brene Brown’s words, “vulnerability takes courage.” So is vulnerability a strength or a weakness? Can someone be authentic without being vulnerable? How can being authentic and vulnerable help someone grow both personally and professionally? In this interview series, we are talking to business leaders, mental health professionals and business and life coaches who can share stories and examples of “How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally.” As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Alexandra McNulty.
Alex is a psychotherapist and owner of McNulty Psychotherapy and Integrative Wellness. In her private mental health practice, she is passionate about helping clients with anxiety, perfectionism, and OCD shift their lives from being about anxiety to the things they care about. As a true believer in the mind-body connection, Alex integrates her Board Certification in Holistic Nutrition into therapy to help clients achieve mental wellness. She believes in the importance of accepting rather than denying our humanness as a tool to grow personally and professionally.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
Thanks so much for having me! I was born and raised in the Hudson Valley region of New York. Proximity to NYC led to an extremely high bar when it comes to bagel expectations, and the ability to experience diversity in culture and lifestyles. I was an incredibly shy kid (like, broke out in hives when spoken to kind of shy), and people who knew me back then would be surprised to hear I talk for a living now. I think a lot of my shyness stemmed from perfectionism and always wanting to say the “right” thing. As I grew older, I realized that deeper connections could only take place by being my authentic self. My mom always encouraged me to focus on the simple things in life, and I realize now how much happiness is found in small, inconsequential interactions with others as opposed to the ‘big picture stuff’. This certainly helped take the pressure off.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“The grass is green where you water it”. I love this quote because it emphasizes the importance of placing our control where we have it. So often, we engage in efforts to control things simply beyond our reach, which results in a lot of dissatisfaction and feeling “stuck”. This can be others’ perceptions of us, things that happen to us, or things that happen to loved ones. If we place our focus onto things that matter to us and “water” it, this is what our life can become ‘about’. Spending our lives comparing our grass to that of others or wishing for a time in life where grass could be greener takes us away from the present moment, which is where life exists. My mom passed away from breast cancer two months after I got married in 2019. I had to learn the hard way that wishing for greener grass isn’t enough- we have to put effort into creating meaning and finding fulfillment in how we show up in the world, rather than wishing droughts didn’t exist.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
I recently read Wintering by Katherine May, which resonated due to her ability to articulate a lot of things about life that I believe, but couldn’t necessarily convey. Wintering emphasizes the importance of acceptance and the role that resistance plays in suffering. Essentially, one major aspect to winters being challenging is our resistance to them and a desire for every day to feel like summer. If we accept winter as a necessary phase in the seasons of life, we can lean into its offerings and embrace it, as opposed to missing out on the opportunity for rest because we spend our days wishing it were summer. When we accept things for what they are instead of what we want them to be, we regain a sense of control and fulfillment that may otherwise be missed. This allows us to fear life’s hardships and winters much less, and make decisions based on fulfillment rather than avoidance.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly does being authentic mean?
Authenticity means being in alignment with our values and our true self. It goes hand in hand with vulnerability, as we can’t be vulnerable if we don’t have insight towards what our values, internal motivations, and desires are. However, it is tough to be authentic without being vulnerable, because delving into our true selves requires a level of openness to what we may find.
What does being vulnerable mean? Can you explain?
Vulnerability indicates willingness. Being vulnerable means you are willing to show up in a way that is authentic (aligned with your values and true self), despite what consequences might exist. It’s sort of like the ‘action’ piece of authenticity. Action-wise, this might look different for everyone. It may look like boundary-setting, emotional expression, or putting yourself “out there”. And while we often focus on vulnerability in relationships, we don’t want to forget the power of vulnerability within ourselves. This might look like really letting ourselves feel and think things freely without judging ourselves or fearing what negative emotions may lead to.
What are the positive aspects of being authentic and vulnerable? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Absolutely. I like to think that being authentic and vulnerable best allows us to get our needs met. As much as we like to think that others know what we need, everyone is walking around with their own needs, internal programming, and internal filters that are likely different from ours. Because of this, others might not be able to anticipate our needs in the way that we hope. By practicing vulnerability through expressing ourselves, this gives us a better shot at navigating life in a way that allows our needs to be met. We want to view authenticity and vulnerability not only as a strength, but an often underutilized resource in constructing the kind of life we want. When it comes to vulnerability within ourselves, we want to keep in mind that our emotions are allies, rather than “problems to be solved”. Our emotions exist not to harm us or disrupt our day, but to shine a light on our needs and motivate action. By vulnerably making room for them and expressing them, we are improving our ability to have our needs met. For example, anger can indicate a boundary being crossed, and sadness can accompany a loss. Expression of these emotions through authenticity and vulnerability can signal to ourselves what we need, and give us an indication of how we can utilize our resources (and relationships with others) to live a life with meaning. Viewing our emotions as data rather than inconvenient disruptions can allow us to benefit from the wisdom they provide.
Are there negative aspects to authenticity and vulnerability? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Well, one negative aspect is that it certainly can be scary. Showing up with authenticity and vulnerability means we are facing a fear that tends to come naturally to us. We are hardwired to care what others think of us, as our brains have evolved to prioritize this due to our interdependence on one another as a species. As a result, there are times when being authentic can jeopardize what we hope others’ impressions of us would be, which feels inherently dangerous.
Additionally, our relationships don’t exist in a vacuum, and are impacted by societal discrepancies in power. So, due to existing hierarchies, there are times when being authentic and speaking up about problematic behavior can have a negative impact (such as someone speaking out about mistreatment by a superior in the workplace, only to be reprimanded themselves or simply ignored).
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that hold someone back from being authentic and vulnerable?
As with most things, fear tends to be the biggest thing holding us back from being authentic and vulnerable. We might fear being authentic and vulnerable with others due to our aforementioned predisposition to care what other people think. Fear might also prevent us from being vulnerable within ourselves due to worries or judgments about the implications of our thoughts and emotions (ex: “what does it mean about me that I had this thought?” or “I shouldn’t feel this way, so I feel guilty that I do”). There is also the fear of vulnerability because if we receive negative feedback regarding our authentic self, this cuts deeper than negative feedback of a “constructed” version of ourselves. Staying away from vulnerability and authenticity feels protective, but like with anything, a cost-benefit analysis will show that there is much more to be risked by a life without vulnerability.
Here is the central question of our discussion. What are five ways that being authentic and vulnerable pay off, and help you win, both personally and professionally?
1. If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably being authentic and vulnerable.
As a therapist, I struggle with defining happiness, but my working definition is when someone acts in alignment with their values. The further our actions are from our values, the more dissatisfaction I tend to see in my clients. Vulnerability and authenticity are essential to living a life aligned with one’s values, because they allow us to choose our actions based on values as opposed to opposing factors and influences. When we are authentic and vulnerable, we adapt the flexibility to bend and not break in life’s tough moments because we are less focused on perfection and the way we “should” be. Instead, we are able to focus on dealing with the way things are. Congruence between our actions and values allows us to derive meaning from those “little moments” in life, where happiness lies.
2. Authenticity and vulnerability can give us that “X” factor.
In business and in life, there are numerous tangible qualities that we can pinpoint as recipes for success. But just as often, there are those seemingly indescribable qualities that people possess that just…works. Often, this is about how we make others feel. At the end of the day, humans want to feel seen. When we demonstrate to the world that they can see us, others feel the safety to show up as themselves. When others feel this, they naturally gravitate toward us. Being vulnerable allows us to better interpret and respond to our own emotions, which in turn, improves our emotional intelligence and empathy towards others. All of these things contribute to that “X” factor: how we make others feel.
3. Vulnerability is crucial to connection.
In a world filled with filters and Photoshop, we will likely gravitate towards those demonstrating vulnerability and authenticity because this helps to serve one of our greatest biological needs- connection. Without vulnerability, we have challenges with connection because we are hardwired to avoid danger, and this might be lurking in dark shadows when we can’t see who someone is. Vulnerability casts a light into this dark space, so that we can be less fearful of what “might” be. Additionally, being vulnerable and authentic allows us to learn that others accept us as who we are, not just versions of how we present ourselves to the world. By learning this, we can connect with others on a deeper level without fear holding us back.
4. Authenticity and vulnerability precede growth.
As sentient beings, we are vulnerable by nature. Living authentically cannot occur without the reality that we can be hurt. At the end of the day, taking risks, caring about others, and living here on Earth leaves us with the inevitable fact that we may, and will, be hurt. Vulnerability seems intimidating because we are more susceptible to being harmed. Acceptance helps with this. If we accept inevitable hurt as the rule rather than the exception, we can put our energy towards our growth, rather than spending our energy avoiding pain. Those with professional growth don’t shy away from the potential of being harmed (or embarrassed, or shamed)- instead, they accept this as a fact, and put their energy into being able to move forward in alignment with their goals and values. By using values as our compass rather than avoidance of danger, we are able to choose the path we want, the path of personal and professional success, rather than the lengthy, roundabout path that helps us avoid pain (and often, leads us astray). When we do this, we learn firsthand that we can handle life’s challenges, as opposed to a more regretful reality: never finding out. Being vulnerable also allows us to admit and acknowledge our mistakes, a crucial part of the growth process.
5. Is winning really the goal?
Lastly, authenticity and vulnerability may shift our goal from “winning” but instead, towards “being.” We can pull from the classic “destination versus journey” narrative here. So often, I see my clients struggling because they are focused on outcome goals, which are usually those emphasized and encouraged by society. The challenge here becomes that firm line between success and failure. Failure is not a problem in this sense, but fear of this line often keeps us from moving forward. Prioritizing authenticity and vulnerability allows us to focus less on the goalposts, which always keep moving. When we focus on how we “show up” in the world, we are able to cultivate greater meaning and connection to our actions, rather than always focusing on the goal. When we focus on the goal, we often don’t feel truly satisfied, because we spend the majority of our life focused on the future, instead of what’s in front of us. As I’ve indicated a few times already, those little moments in front of us are the whole “point”.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
If I could wave a magic wand, I’d love to inspire a movement to encourage others to remember that being human is really hard. When we suffer or experience negative emotions, our pain tends to be exaggerated due to society’s messaging that we are supposed to be happy, and if we’re not, we’re doing something wrong. If we could work with our emotions and different seasons of life, rather than against, so much of our energy could be used to enjoy life, connect with others, and take some much needed rest. Our emotions and much of what we perceive as “symptoms” are actually our body’s way of telling us what we need. I am passionate about educating others about the importance of reconnecting with our body to allow it to teach us, especially when it comes to nutrition and the connection between what we eat and how we feel. Our nutrition is an often missed opportunity to give our bodies what they need to help us feel well- especially mentally.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
Adam Grant. His wisdom on dealing with emotions, uncertainty, relationships, raising children, employee engagement, and human nature in general would make for fantastic lunch conversation. Plus, his advice on having challenging conversations with others (especially those with conflicting viewpoints) has been so valued these past few years- I’d like to express my gratitude.
My runner-up would be Amy Poehler, really just because it would be fun as hell.
How can our readers follow you online?
I can be found at my website www.mcnultywellness.com or on Instagram at @mcnultywellness
Thank you for these really excellent insights, and we greatly appreciate the time you spent with this. We wish you continued success.
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
