Allyson Roberts of Outrageous Freedom: How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself

Celebrate. I used to hustle and grind and never celebrate my small wins — or even my big ones. Now, I take time to stop and acknowledge my accomplishments however insignificant they may seem. By doing this, we are showing ourselves that we deserve to be validated by ourselves and that self-approval helps dissipate our need for the approval from other people.

As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Allyson Roberts.

Allyson Roberts is both a cognitive behavioral expert and intuitive guide who knows what it takes to make it in this world. As a teenager, she found herself homeless, pregnant and living in her car, but instead of giving up, she learned to tap into science and spirituality to empower herself to breakfree from a painful childhood. Now she empowers others all over the world to tap into their innate power and overcome the internal obstacles so that they can achieve great success both personally and professionally. Visit her website to learn about her Behind The Power Live Event.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

As an intuitive cognitive behavioral counselor, I started to notice a pattern of people-pleasing and victim/rescuer playing out in people’s lives, leaving them exhausted and confused. I decided to use my skills and understanding of childhood trauma and its impact to help women and men empower themselves. It’s so rewarding to witness when people break out of their pain, especially those that feel that it may be their destiny to suffer.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

I have a few exciting projects happening but the one I’m most passionate about is my upcoming conference, Behind the Power. It’s a movement I created to help people face, embrace and forge their self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors. During last year’s event, I witnessed people waking up to their personal power during our three days together. There is a magic that everyone in the room feels during a group coaching session. When we are experiencing coaching as a large group, we come face-to-face with the damage that our intrusive thoughts create. There is power in discovering how to finally stop those thoughts in their tracks. It’s amazing work!

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?

Yes. As a teen, I’d thought I’d finally escaped the throes of the abuse I was experiencing at home by falling in love. However, not too long into the relationship, I got pregnant and his family wanted nothing to do with me. I moved back home, unfortunately, and was also kicked out when my mother realized I was pregnant. Living in my car, freezing, and hungry was my wake-up call to loving myself. I accepted that I was going to have to learn to love myself in order to thrive.

Still, it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I took vows to myself to love, honor, and cherish myself. I took these vows after I realized that even when we work on self-love, if we don’t heal our childhood trauma, we are going to attract what we experienced as a child back into our lives. For me, the dysfunctional combination of chaos, pain, and disappointment was my comfort zone. When I understood that, and made a conscious decision to change it, everything shifted.

The beautiful thing about following my healing process is that the more you do it, the more you love yourself. That ripple effect creates making better decisions which results in deeper self-confidence. That confidence keeps intrusive thoughts in check which builds empowerment. So, to answer you, I think there are tipping points along the way, but the first big one for me was going without food for three days and being so cold inside of my car that I thought I literally might die. That was the first time I decided that it was worth living and started actively doing something about it.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

I’m so glad you asked this question as it’s an important topic, especially when it comes to the misconception of self-love. Most people look on the outside for their self-confidence and acceptance. Our society has also built this mindset of “looking our best,” to mean perfection. We have magazine covers that are photoshopped, filters on our phones, and even Zoom and TikTok have come out with settings to make us appear differently than our real reflection.

All of this combined creates a set of rules in society that imperfection is failure. We aren’t allowed to age, have curves or be our authentic selves anymore. Most people have experimented with some type of cosmetics whether it’s teeth whitening, coloring our hair, taking a growth supplement or a procedure to tackle hair thinning. While I’m not necessarily against this, I do feel that most people focus on their appearance to feel better, ignoring their trauma altogether.

It’s dangerous because this is a recipe for low self-worth, as well as shallow relationships. Aging happens. Instead of embracing a natural process, we fight it in hopes that we will somehow beat it. When we ultimately lose the battle, and we all do, then it just feeds into the isolation, loneliness and depression we are seeing in society today.

To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?

We get back what we give. When we don’t truly love ourselves, we are giving back desperation, panic, and settling. We are in essence, robbing ourselves and those in our circle of our authentic selves. This means our love is inauthentic. It can be tough for people to accept, but the truth is, when we lack self-love, we are in constant self-denial. This leads to us showing up in relationships as needy, clingy, and desperate.

People can be blind to how much they blame another person for not meeting their needs when, in fact, they aren’t meeting their own needs. Others settle for a relationship that doesn’t fulfill them simply because they don’t want to be alone. Instead of working on themselves, healing their emotional wounds, and aligning with others who are a true match for friendship, love, or both — those who lack self-love live out their lives hoping, wishing and praying for better love. It can be a lonely place and is quite avoidable with self care.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

Mediocre relationships are safe. Most people find the proposition of shaking things up, either within themselves or others, terrifying. They’d rather walk into a cage with a tiger than admit that their relationship is broken. Instead, they play along hoping that one day things will get better.

The advice I’d give is to be honest with yourself. First, acknowledge how you feel day in and day out in your relationship. Second, identify the part you’re playing in the chaos and unhappiness. Awareness is 90% of the cure. The other 10%, getting out, is the hardest part. That’s why so many people would rather stay safe in denial than admit to themselves what’s really going on.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Self-examination takes courage, but my clients who are brave enough to face themselves see huge shifts in their lives. One of the questions I ask my clients is to their dying self. I have them fast forward to the moment before they are about to take their last breath. What do they envision their dying self needs to tell them about the life they are living right now? If you don’t give this question too much thought, but rather, simply allow the answers to flow, it’s mind blowing!

Another question I love to ask is, “How would you live your life if no one was watching?” We care too much about what others think and base our self-love on approval and acceptance. When we give ourselves a little grace and think about our own happiness, we are often surprised by how much we’ve settled.

A few years ago I found myself parting ways with a business partner. It was messy and scary, but necessary. When I reflected, I realized that I’d been involved with a few business partners and they’d all gone south. With the help of my business coach, I began asking myself some tough questions. The first was, “Why do I think I need a business partner?;” and, “Why do I think I’m not capable enough to build the business I envision for myself?”

Those two questions changed everything for me. I realized my own self-esteem issues, and how I quickly handed my power over to people I deemed better than me. I was paying them half my profits even though it was my skill and client relationships that were the foundation of my business. When I stopped bringing in partners and stepped fully into the ownership of my company, everything changed. Our behavior doesn’t lie.

So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

I agree! People’s biggest fears are abandonment and judgment. This is why most people make sure that they do everything in their power to not be alone. If they end up alone, these individuals will quickly fall into panic and despair. This is why, as I stated earlier, people find themselves settling for relationships that don’t light them up and give them joy. The importance of learning to spend alone time is crucial to our self-esteem and inner strength.

When we can’t be alone, or we use the time to scroll social, watch television or have the radio blasting, it’s a symptom of numbing and stuffing our emotions. We don’t want to think our thoughts, feel our feelings, or deal with our past. We surround ourselves with activity and noise as a way to avoid ourselves.

When I work with clients who struggle with alone time, I encourage them to start by doing something they love — painting, hiking, gardening, cooking — anything that makes their heart happy. This way the focus is on the activity and not their fear. The magical thing that happens inside of us while we are busy creating is that our thoughts will come to meet us. If we are alone feeling happy, it allows us a safe place to process our emotions. I encourage everyone to try it.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

Achieving self-understanding and self-love are both decisions, not feelings. We then support those decisions through self-care, awareness of our thoughts and behaviors, and a lot of self-compassion. By doing these things, we create a sense of safety within ourselves. This safety is the foundation for deepening our relationship with others because we’ve deepened the relationship with ourselves.

This is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to our growth and our connection with other people. We show up as more authentic, meaning that we are able to express how we really feel instead of mirroring others or pretending to be someone we are not to fit in.

Self-love helps us attain the mastery of removing our masks and taking emotional risks by being vulnerable and sharing our beliefs and opinions openly. Self-love also increases our tolerance of other people’s judgment towards us. The journey of self-love is to realize that when our peers don’t understand us, it’s not about us, but rather about their own fear, resistance, and inability to accept differing views and opinions.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

In my experience, listening without reacting is the best way for individuals to help themselves and others with self-acceptance. When we heal, we respond thoughtfully instead of displaying a knee-jerk reaction. The first step an individual can take in this process is to learn their own triggers and how to self-regulate so they aren’t bleeding on those that didn’t cut them.

In my personal and professional opinion, society has a long way to go in this area. A great place to start is in the classroom. Teaching emotional intelligence to our youth, including how to properly express their feelings, and giving them a safe place to be themselves, would be an amazing start. At home, parents need to understand the four basic emotions — mad, glad, sad and afraid — and not be intimidated by their child expressing them. Parents who are willing to heal their own personal trauma, self-regulate, and learn to listen by asking a lot of questions help our younger generation begin to understand and accept themselves. Building a safety net provides a solid foundation for emotional growth.

Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

1. Meditation. Harvard research shows that meditating for just eight weeks significantly alters the brain’s gray matter. This is important because it improves our sense of self. I meditate daily for at least twenty minutes. I find that by doing so I have less stress and clearer vision for myself and my life.
2. Hugging myself. I wasn’t hugged growing up. Touch is a basic need. While it may sound silly, hugging ourselves provides safety and security. By doing this we are building a deeper connection to ourselves and learning how to connect with our emotions.
3. Walking in nature. There is something so purifying about being in nature. The sound of birds, the warmth of the sun, and fresh air can calm down our nervous system. If you can’t get outside, then open a window. The connection to the outdoors helps to bring us back to our center.
4. Breathe and Leave. With being human comes emotional triggers. They are going to happen. From a door slamming to an unexpected text message, it only takes a second for our bodies to go into flight, fight, freeze or fawn. By taking deep, cleansing breaths, and walking away from the triggering situation, you are showing yourself that you matter and that your sense of calm is a priority.
5. Celebrate. I used to hustle and grind and never celebrate my small wins — or even my big ones. Now, I take time to stop and acknowledge my accomplishments however insignificant they may seem. By doing this, we are showing ourselves that we deserve to be validated by ourselves and that self-approval helps dissipate our need for the approval from other people.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

Anything written or produced by Brene Brown. Her understanding of shame and the negative effects it has on our self-esteem helps me feel seen and heard.

Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza offers an in-depth exploration of our inner-being, and the power of the mind when applied. This book is in my nightstand and is tattered from the many times I’ve turned to it for deeper reflection and understanding our innate power within.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill was the very first self-psychology book gifted to me when I was homeless. It personally changed my life because I immediately understood that our thoughts become our things. When I contemplated it, the truth hit home and when I applied the principle, I had immediate tangible results.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

I actually started the movement last year and that is my annual Behind the Power event. While the event itself is only three days, that is just the beginning. Behind the Power is understanding the importance of healing our individual trauma, not only for ourselves, but for society as a whole. Unhealed trauma results in a society that overall is reacting from triggers instead of providing regulated responses. Regulated responses lead to more critical thinking and logical states of being. Imagine a society where there is significantly less violence. That would be the overall outcome of healing lingering societal trauma.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

“You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.” Terence McKenna

Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!