Andee Martineau of Connect Method Parenting On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
Play More Not Less! Plato’s definition of play: “Leaping out of the constraints of everyday life into the possibilities that await.” The amazing thing about play is it helps kids express deeper emotions, work on fears, release tension, create safety, and increase their bond with those they are playing with. Play isn’t something just for your kids. It can help you as well. It fills your need for deep, meaningful connections. Parenting isn’t worth it unless you feel connected to your children. Some attributes of play that are important to realize is it isn’t demanding, it’s a form of rest. Happens spontaneously, is instinctive, engages something inside of you, has a beginning and an end. Play is about the process, work is about the outcome. Here are some ways we can play with our kids. Staring contest, sock fight, tag, thumb war, balloon volleyball. The options are limitless.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Andee Martineau.
Andee Martineau is a parenting coach and mom of six who specializes in helping parents all over the world raise their kids without yelling, ultimatums or bribes. Using her Connect Method Parenting techniques, she has taught thousands of moms to feel more in control of family life, stress less, get their kids to listen, and more. She is also the author of the best selling book, Connect Method Parenting. Learn more at https://connectmethodparenting.com/
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
Totally! You could say being the oldest of seven children is what led me to where I am today, a parenting coach. Not because I was a natural at nurturing my six siblings, but because I wasn’t. By the time I was 5 or 6 I was trying to order my younger siblings around. By the time I was 8 I tried to take over the chore system in our house because I wanted to be in charge. A few years ago we found a cassette recording of me singing a song to my sibling where the main lyrics consisted of me saying “Dance around me.” I was mortified when I listened to it as an adult. The reality was, I wanted to be in charge from the time I was young. I even wanted to control what fun looked like. Each summer we went on a vacation to the mountains with my cousins. I would write a play to perform at the end of that vacation. I’d cast myself as the star and my cousins with supporting roles and extras. Then I’d bribe my cast to come to the daily “play” practice (which no one wanted to do during our family camping trip). But their bad attitudes didn’t stop me. I’d bring otter pops and red vine licorice to lure them in. I was persistent. I cringe now thinking about my “control freak” tendencies. But I think it was my incessant drive to control and get things perfect that eventually broke me and helped me and led me to learning how to let it all go and finally discover the power of connection. Something I was pretty oblivious to as a girl.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
I always wanted to be the “Mother Teresa” kind of mom. But eight years into parenting I had become the “yelling, frustrated, and out-of-control” kind of mom. It felt awful! That’s when I stopped believing in traditional parenting (thinking consequences and rewards worked) and started looking for a better way to parent. It started with the baby blizzard blowout. The house was too quiet and I went to investigate. What I found was a room covered in baby powder — all the electronics, the toys, the kids! I started to yell and lecture. But something about the way my kids just stared at me brought me back to the presence and I made a conscious choice to see the humor in it all. And I knew right then that every reaction I had to my kid’s behavior was a choice I got to choose no matter what my kids did and that felt empowering.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
Having a strong connection with your child translates into them feeling good about themselves, feeling capable of learning, experimenting, loving, and being more vulnerable. It fosters inner confidence that holds strong even when things get difficult or challenging. When you feel connected to them, they are more likely to feel connected to you. Humans need to feel connected to other humans. Your children need to feel connected to you. Yes! It’s a basic survival need like nourishment, shelter, water, and sleep. Children need to feel a steady stream of connection from you. It lays the foundation for them to learn, grow and thrive.
Your kids are going to break the rules, struggle to be nice, or get irritated with their siblings. You are going to have to respond. That’s the job of a parent. Your kids have parents for a reason. They don’t have the judgment or maturity of an adult. They need you to help them as they mature, grow and develop over the years. If they didn’t need you to guide them, teach them, and set limits for them when they messed up, struggled or failed, they wouldn’t need a parent.
The most essential ingredient for your child’s healthy development is your unconditional love and acceptance. Your love and acceptance creates an environment where your child believes she is exactly who you want her to be — she does not need to change to earn or deserve your love. She feels secure in your love. She knows there is nothing she could do that would destroy or remove your love for her. She is so safe with you that she knows she can show up at her worst, and it won’t change your relationship or the way you feel about her, even if she’s rude, challenging, unpleasant or ornery. You’ve got her back. You’re on her team. When she knows you love her unconditionally, your relationship is solid and connection is forged. The trust you have with your child runs deep and you can send the message that her behavior is unacceptable without sending the message that she is unacceptable. This is possible.
It’s possible for your child to feel comfortable bringing her hurts, frustrations, and least likable parts of herself to you. To show the parts she hides from everyone else to you and feel safe and supported. That she can bring her insecurities and terrible behavior, knowing that you have the wisdom to understand that she’s not actually difficult or rude. She’s trusting that you’ll know that she’s hurt and struggling. What she needs right now is unconditional love and acceptance, not judgment. Your brain is going to tell you that you need to fix the problem with a consequence (most likely). You don’t need to fix anything. You only need to love your child and all the fixing will get worked out on its own and that is one of the many reasons connection is so powerful.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
As a society we are excellent at picking up and responding to the signals of a broken bone, but completely oblivious to the signals of a broken connection. Why? Maybe because it’s harder to pick up on. The hurt of a broken connection is emotional, not physical. You can’t take an X-ray and see it, even though it’s just as real and painful as a broken bone. Maybe it’s because we’ve been taught that the signals the brain sends out when the connection is broken (ie tantrums, frustrations, off-track behavior and attitudes) mean that the child is spoiled, rude or ornery. We don’t realize they actually mean the child is struggling and hurting. The child is sending out an SOS that he’s in trouble and instead of treating him asap for the pain he is feeling we add to his suffering by ignoring, blaming, or denying the reality of his suffering. But the suffering and impact it has on your child is real. Connection breaks, and your child can’t think. Her nervous system goes into fight or flight and her higher thinking goes off-line. The tantrum and attitudes begin because her nervous system has gone into protection mode. The result is a broken connection. She can’t remember you love her. She forgets she loves you. She feels like everyone is against her. She goes into defensive and attack mode. Her ability to make good decisions goes offline. She might blame you for how she is feeling. Her heightened nervous system prevents her from being able to relax. Her emotions are high, and her thinking is low. She struggles to cooperate, be thoughtful or kind.
The bottom line is she doesn’t feel safe right now.
Think of it like this…
broken connection = broken thinking
Here’s the difference between a broken arm and a broken connection. We know what to do with a broken arm. We have no idea what to do with a broken connection.
Behavior is your child’s way of communicating with you. You’ve come up with stories about their messy room, refusal to do homework, and skipping out on family dishes. But your stories are wrong. What are they telling you when they’re rude, talk back, say they hate you, yell, fight, or ignore you? They’re telling you they are struggling and need connection. They are sending out an SOS.
In essence they’re SOS message is saying… I’m stuck. Things aren’t working for me and I feel terrible. I can’t regulate my emotions and I feel lost. I’m full of anxiety, I don’t think I’m good enough, maybe there’s something wrong with me and I need help. They need you to patiently help them navigate through this part of their life when their brains aren’t fully developed, and they can’t do things on their own. So, when frustration builds and you think your kids should be different, catch that tricky thought because it’s not true. They are perfect just as they are. If they could do better, they would do better. They are supposed to act out, be emotionally immature, and talk back. We are supposed to meet them where they are and guide them through it. Not because there is something wrong with what they are doing, but because there is so much learning that can happen through the experience.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
As humans we are hardwired for connection and we are all capable of feeling love and connection. It matters less what generation one is born into and more about what is poured into the child. A child’s ability to feel love and connect is largely based on what the parents can provide in the way of love and connection. At least in the western world there are more middle class families, there is less hunger and basic needs being met without all the hard labor that was required in previous generations. People have more time to meet their own needs and can then create better environments for their kids. As their needs are met they are more capable and want to provide love and connection. There is also less stigma around therapy so people are able to get more help and realize they are more capable of loving and connecting with others. In some ways I guess you could say that this generation has the most potential to feel loved and connected with more and more parents being able to offer love and connection.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Water the Flowers not the Weeds: Imagine a field abundant with weeds and within it there is one lone beautiful flower. Our brains look for things that need to be fixed (weeds), our children’s attitude, behavior, and reactions, which are abundant. When it does this it misses the flower that is also in the field, what is good within the situation. What would happen if you helped your brain find evidence of their goodness (the flower) instead of the weeds? Whatever we focus our energy on in essence is what we are watering. Why water all the weeds, when we can nurture that lovely flower instead. Don’t we want more of that? By focusing on watering the flower you choose to focus on what they are doing right even when things are going wrong. This way we are encouraging more flowers to grow.
For example, one of my clients talked about how she would ask her son to wash the dishes. He would complain and grumble all the while he was walking to the sink to wash dishes. It would have been easy for her to comment on his poor attitude, but instead she thanked him for doing them even when he didn’t want to. She told him how his actions showed he cared and what a helpful person he was being. She was giving him evidence in the moment of what an amazing human he is. Focus all your energy on connecting with them and on looking for the great things about them even when things are going wrong.
Curious Instead of Critical. We make mistakes as parents. It’s inevitable. If we were meant to be perfect we would be robots. Often my clients are so hard on themselves with criticism when they don’t show up the way they wanted with their kids. They think beating themselves up will somehow make them be better when in fact it does the opposite. Only until we are kind and loving with ourselves and our mistakes can we make transformational change with our kids. The more loving we can treat ourselves with mistakes the better we are at loving our kids when they do. One key component that helped me learn to love myself better was to get curious about the situation instead of judgmental. What just happened for me right now? Why did I get so upset? What’s really bothering you? Asking myself these questions allowed me to get curious and understand myself instead of judging myself. Criticism leaves us stuck. Curiosity can lead to understanding, which leads to compassion and love.
Behavior is Information Not Characterization. So often we label our kids based on their behaviors. They are so disrespectful, lazy, mean, and selfish. These thoughts tend to lead to negative feelings which fuel our interactions with our kids. But what if their behavior was just information that you get to be curious about? I wonder why they are yelling at their sister. What’s going on for them right now? By changing the way you interrupt their behavior you can show up from a place of curiosity, patience, or empathy. What your child is or is not doing on the outside isn’t enough information for you to know how your child is really doing on the inside. When my daughter was ten her temper would flare up at the smallest thing. She would yell at her sister. Or snap at me for not making her a snack. My brain wanted to label her as rude or entitled. When I slowed down, believed she was doing her best, and tried to understand what was going on for her, I discovered some things. She was struggling at a new school. She hadn’t found a solid group of friends and felt behind in some subjects. Her nervous system was in fight or flight mode. She was seeing everything as an attack on her. She was constantly in attack and defend mode. This realization changed the way I felt about her. I was able to feel empathy and compassion for her. It changed the way I responded when she was short with family members. Instead of judgment, I felt compassion. The more my attitude shifted, the more her attitude shifted. It was slow, but there was a steady shift. Her challenges didn’t go away, but our ability to navigate them improved.
Play More Not Less! Plato’s definition of play: “Leaping out of the constraints of everyday life into the possibilities that await.” The amazing thing about play is it helps kids express deeper emotions, work on fears, release tension, create safety, and increase their bond with those they are playing with. Play isn’t something just for your kids. It can help you as well. It fills your need for deep, meaningful connections. Parenting isn’t worth it unless you feel connected to your children. Some attributes of play that are important to realize is it isn’t demanding, it’s a form of rest. Happens spontaneously, is instinctive, engages something inside of you, has a beginning and an end. Play is about the process, work is about the outcome. Here are some ways we can play with our kids. Staring contest, sock fight, tag, thumb war, balloon volleyball. The options are limitless.
It was spring break and we decided to let the kids have a big group of friends over. It was a blast and the kids really enjoyed their time. The aftermath was an extremely dirty house. Several times I asked the kids to help me cleanup which had no result whatsoever. I decided to get curious and I asked myself…. How can I make this more fun? This time I called all the kids together and we spent 20 minutes playing hide and seek. I pride myself in being the master hider and we all had a good laugh when I was finally found. After that we all worked together to clean up the house, no complaints. Everyone pitched in. Our brains tell us it is too much work or we don’t have time to play. But riddle me this. Would you rather spend your time playing or nagging your kids to clean? Both take energy — why not spend it playing and getting the results you really want, connection.
When You Fail to Plan You Plan to Fail. There are diet plans, exercise plans, house plans, but I haven’t talked to many people who have a plan to connect. The difference between healthy parent child relationships and fractured ones is the element of connection. When connection is strong, positive, and healthy children talk to their parents more, listen better, and generally are happier and healthier in all areas of their life. When you have a plan that cultivates connection throughout the day you feel peaceful, calm, and capable as you navigate the different situations that come up with your child. One quick way to make a connection plan is to pick one child that is in need of some extra loving for one on one time. One mom told me this was too hard for her to do in a day and she didn’t have time. Think of it this way. This is time investing in the relationship. Let’s be honest here, we cannot control our kids. I’m sure we think we can and sometimes we do but at a cost, usually the relationship. In the end what we all really have is influence! Spending time with them is showing you care and maybe just maybe they will see you as someone they want to listen to and be influenced by. Here are some tips to get the most out of this 1 on 1 time.
[SET UP THE RULES] Set up the rules of connection time. Will you let screens, sugar, or spending money be part of what’s allowed during your 1:1 time? Try to eliminate things that don’t offer much opportunity for bonding & imagination…you don’t want to get so caught up in what you’re doing that you get distracted from creating connections. I usually recommend no screens, but there are exceptions to this.
[CHILD LED] Your child decides what you’ll be doing within the parameters you’ve set up. They get to be in charge for this block of time. You are following their lead. If they can’t decide what to do, encourage them and tell them you know they’ll pick something great. Resist the urge to make the decision for them or strongly encourage anything.
[ONE ON ONE] This can be tricky if you have multiple kids. Once everyone is getting their 1:1 Connection Time with you it will get easier. They’ll relax and know they’ll get a turn. (Tip: let the kids NOT getting 1:1 Connection Time do something they only get to do while you’re doing 1:1 Connection Time with their sibling.)
[LEARN INSTEAD OF TEACH] Let your child teach you whatever he/she wants to teach. If he’s engaged in pretend play, dive in and start pretending with him. If he’s older make sure you’re doing whatever he wants for those few minutes even if you initially aren’t interested. Get interested and excited about it. Resist any desire you have to teach your child anything during this special 1:1 Connection Time. For this period of time he’s in charge.
[STAY PRESENT] You might feel bored or disinterested. That’s normal. If you feel either of these things it’s simply a reminder to be more fully present. It’s not uncommon for your child to pick an activity that he knows you don’t like much. It’s a subconscious way of seeing if you’re really interested. Show him that no matter what he decides to do you’re excited to do it with him.
[TIME IT] Have a clear beginning and end. I recommend starting with just 5 minutes. I don’t suggest going longer than 20min. You don’t want to do a special 1:1 Connect Time for longer than you can stay 100% focused and present. Make it clear to your child how long you’ll be doing this special 1:1 time. Set a timer and promptly end when the timer goes off.
[SCHEDULE IT] You can’t just start playing or being with your child and say…”Oh this is our special 1:1 Connection Time.” I mean that’s great to spend time together. Keep doing it! But for this special kind of 1:1 Connection Time it’s got to be scheduled ahead of time. It can be every day, once a month, whatever makes sense for your schedule. Everyone needs to know when it’s happening. This allows your child to anticipate your time together. It also gives her time to think about what she wants to do ahead of time. These subtle aspects of 1:1 Special Time are important. They help you get an amazing connective return out of this time.
[BRING THE ENERGY] Muster up as much enthusiasm as you possibly can. If your child decides to play catch, get excited for the next throw by putting your hands on your bent knees. Look at your child and maybe even bounce with anticipation. If you miss his throw run DO NOT walk after the ball, RUN AFTER IT. I challenge you during this time to be MORE excited than your child is to do this activity. Have fun and fully engage for the entire 1:1 Special Connection Time.
[ANTICIPATE ENDING DISAPPOINTMENT] After the special 1:1 Connection Time together ends don’t be surprised if your child has a meltdown. It’s not uncommon for them to get upset when the timer goes off. He experienced some juicy 1:1 time with you. Of course he doesn’t want it to end. His nervous system has felt so safe because of the time you just spent together. As a result his nervous system might decide to release some pent up emotions. If your child turns from being happy during a special 1:1 time to upset or even angry once this is normal. I recommend mentally setting aside an extra 5–10 minutes so you can support them using Seen & Heard
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
That seems to be the question we all want an answer to. I think we are all good parents because we are all doing the best we can, even if it’s not great. I believe in any given situation we are doing the best we are capable of at that moment. If we could have done better we would have done better. Believing that for ourselves and our kids allows us grace for the mistakes we make while not keeping us stuck.
I was working with a mom once who had a lot of guilt about the way she parenting one of her kids. I asked her if she did the best she could at that moment. Yes she said. Wishing we could go back and change what happened was making her believe she wasn’t doing her best and was keeping her stuck in guilt. By accepting that she did the best she could even if it wasn’t great allowed her to accept what is and move forward from a place of peace instead of guilt.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
There are so many ways to do this! It can be scary and thrilling looking at a big dream. One of the best ways we can inspire them to dream big is to believe in them even when they don’t believe in themselves . We can also look at how we are talking to our kids. Letting them know that failure is’t a problem and when they do have one it doesn’t mean to stop. Inspiration is all around us so we can expose them to new things, people or ideas. After that it’s our job to watch them figure it out and not put any expectations on which thing they latch onto. Let’s not put limits on what they are capable of because of our own wants/desires for them. We have to allow them to dream their own dreams, our own expectations, and not live vicariously through them. Letting go of control and getting out of their way with what we want for them will allow them to truly live their big dreams. Showing kids the whole story of what it really takes to build a big dream will help them see each hurdle as one step closer to what they desire. The most successful people have story after story of failure and mistakes that are often overlooked when all is shown is the success. It’s a disservice to only show the success and not talk about the mistakes along the way. Let’s not make it heavier than it needs to be.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
Success looks so different for every child. What one might deem successful another would say is terrible. We are gardeners not sculptures. Our job isn’t to force our children to some kind of outcome, like a sculpture chipping away at a block of stone. Our job is to cultivate the environment, like a gardener providing water and soil and letting the plant grow the way it was always intended. We let our children thrive and create their own success while providing an environment that will support that.
We can only control the controllables which are mostly ourselves and how we respond to our children and our environments. Creating space to let them grow into the unique human they are is what our real role is. It’s not our job to make sure they turn out the way we want them to turn out. They will be successful regardless of what I want from them. It’s about them finding joy in their lives.
Thinking about being a good parent is more about supporting your child in what that child deems successful. And let’s take college and career out of success and focus more on who the child is as a whole person. Maybe success when it comes to children is knowing they are more emotionally resilient.
Asking ourselves questions like…
Do they know failure is good?
Do they know how to get help and how to get resources instead of their own?
Are they kind and thoughtful to the best of their ability?
Have I done my best to teach them how to be kind?
Can I rest at night knowing regardless of what they choose that I have done my best to get them to a place where they have that?
Teaching them to recognize perfectionistic thinking and being okay with the messiness of life.
Success is about who the parent is and not what the child is. And if you find you haven’t done this or struggle with this, can you forgive yourself and know it’s not too late to help them grow into who they are. It’s not about the outcome or the results , but a good parent is more about supporting them so they can become the most successful person they are capable of. Success is giving up the results as far as outcome and just focus on the human and their goodness.
They are good — If I can realize their goodness and believe in them more then they believe in themselves then I’ve gotten out of my own way.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
You’re right this is a huge topic, and one that’s hard to give a simple answer to. Knowing what we know about brain development, I think from a scientific point of view it’s safe to say that less social media and screen time is better for our kids’ developing brains. My goal is to always have my children on board with decisions we make. Social media was no different. We talked about the impact social media has on our brains, we watched the film The Social Dilemma, and we brainstormed best practices we could implement as a family. Kids are smart. They want autonomy, so if at all possible it’s always best if we can collaborate on our family rules instead of trying to force them on them.
So here’s what I’d suggest you do if you’re a parent trying to decide what to do with social media.
First educate your children on the impact of social media.
Then, as parents decide what platforms and how long you’re comfortable with your kids on social media. What parameters would benefit your child? Don’t come up with a boundary out of fear but out of service for your child’s well being.
Finally, calmly sit down and clearly and calmly talk about the social media rules. Listen to your child’s feedback and if possible come to an agreement on what the rules are and what will happen if those rules are broken.
The most important thing you want to avoid is a power struggle when it comes to setting any rules, but especially rules about social media and digital devices.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
Haha…well I’m about to start a podcast called Connect Method Parenting that is for sure one of my favorites. But other than that I love Gordon Neufeld’s book Hold Onto Your Kids and The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel are two of my favorite books about parenting.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
One of my favorite life lesson quotes is…
“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” -Viktor Frankl
I came across this quote when reading Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning twenty years ago.
I remember thinking. If a Holocaust survivor can believe this then anyone can believe this.
I wanted to see the world like Viktor Frankl saw the world. I wanted to believe that no matter what, I had the freedom to choose my attitude in any situation I faced in my life, regardless of how terrible or overwhelming the situation appeared.
It’s been my aim ever since.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would continue to lead the movement of changing the default way of parenting from correction to connection. I would help parents learn how consequences don’t teach but create safety and know that all emotions need to be welcomed and felt. That off-track behavior is simply just information. I would help parents understand that just because they have the role of parent doesn’t give them the right to parent, that the right to parent comes when your child chooses you. And that the most powerful way to impact or influence a child is through connection not correction.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!