Appreciating Acts of Kindness and Helping Families Stay Positive During the COVID-19 Pandemic, With Dr. Jennifer B Dragonette
While most of us find it difficult to believe that we are in seclusion, self-isolating and practicing social distancing until we are given the all-clear to resume our “new normal” it is extremely helpful to have experts sort out the unbelievable way our lives have been turned upside down.
The concerns are so looming and the questions are so many. With schools closed around the nation, many of the estimated 55 million children at home may develop anxiety and fear over the coronavirus.
It is up to their parents to step in and help lessen their fears while ensuring not to “sugarcoat” what is going on, while also addressing home-schooling while working at home and explaining why our spring break plans — along with high school and college graduations, weddings and other major milestones — are being canceled or postponed indefinitely during this pandemic.
Dr. Jennifer B. Dragonette, the executive director of Newport Academy in Northern California, and a doctor of psychology, is one of those experts. Newport Academy is a group of evidence-based healing centers for adolescents and families struggling with mental health issues, eating disorders, and substance abuse.
In her position, she helped to establish the academy’s location in 2018. Prior to this, she was the director of behavioral health for Petaluma Health Center, a federally qualified facility in Petaluma, California. She also oversaw the Behavioral Health department and coordinated all aspects of operations.
During the wildfires that ravaged the Petaluma community in 2017, she spearheaded and developed a curriculum for a program to support parents and children in the aftermath of that traumatic event. Dr. Dragonette also served in both clinical and leadership roles at Kaiser Permanente Santa Rosa’s Chemical Dependency Services.
As a prominent mental health professional, Dr. Dragonette is well poised to address many of the issues each of us are grappling with during this global health crisis and is eager to help families during the COVID-19 pandemic.
She is also eager to discuss how kindness is something we can be proud of us as individuals, communities, and as a nation at a time of extreme duress as we navigate the unchartered waters of this massive health crisis.
I have been impressed by the many acts of kindness that people are doing for their neighbors and strangers — from young children and retired medical workers — during the coronavirus. What does it say about us as a community and society?
This is definitely a difficult, strange, and dark time for many in the United States and around the world. People are stepping up in big and small ways to show their friends, neighbors, community members, and even strangers that they are not alone. We are seeing this happen all across the world in acts as small as a child leaving inspiring chalk drawings outdoors for neighbor friends, ranging all the way to individuals donating needed medical supplies to healthcare organizations and first responders.
These acts of kindness provide glimmers of hope and light to many and can affect people very deeply. Simply staying home is an act of solidarity and caring for others, as this is the only way we as a society can support and care for the needs of our fellow humans.
There is a lot of news coming at us all day long on radio, TV, podcasts and online. How do we handle this? Is there an upside?
During this time, with the constant stream of negativity and nonstop news coverage, it is more important now than ever to surround yourself with positivity and to uplift others.
As everyone globally and nationally is struggling, it has also brought communities together, such as in Italy where people have joined together to sing from their balconies. Many online groups are working together to determine which individuals are in need of extra support.
To me, this tells me something that I have always believed, which is that when given the opportunity, most people will rise up and do what is right even if it is uncomfortable. I know that we are also seeing some examples of selfishness during this time, however, there are numerous examples of people showing kindness and caring despite their own anxieties.
We also need to remember that many people are continuing to put themselves on the front lines in order to care for those who are physically and mentally ill, to provide food and much-needed supplies, and to protect our communities. At Newport Healthcare, we are continuing to provide essential care for teenagers and young adults in need, and I am amazed each day by the dedication of my team members on the front lines.
With so many of us feeling a great loss of jobs, money, control, what are the life lessons we may be gaining from this crisis?
During this time of crisis, people are reminded of who and what truly matters. While social distancing, people may re-engage in simple life joys like spending time with family, reading a book, cooking, laughing, and more. This crisis could also serve as a reminder that we never truly have control over these aspects of our lives, although we enjoy the fantasy that we do.
Often, people base their self-worth on their job, finances, or other external indicators of success. When we have no choice but to focus on our relationships with loved ones, our self-care, and the safety of our families and communities, it can add clarity to where we might choose to put our energy in the long run.
I hope and suspect that many people will emerge from this long crisis with a renewed sense of purpose and meaning, even though it may have come at a significant cost. Humans typically change and grow the most when we are required to move beyond our comfort zones; although we are all going through a collective trauma, there is often immense growth following a traumatic event.
Do you feel we will be changed as individuals, families, and communities after this is over?
Absolutely — this event will reshape society in lasting ways. This global pandemic is confusing, scary, and unknown and will likely change how we interact with others (for example: handshaking, etc.).
Finding Creativity at a Time of the Health Crisis
What has been your reaction to the creativity from individuals, colleges, talk shows, the nightly news and more during the coronavirus?
The creativity, and innovation, being shown right now is truly impressive — it shows the resilience of the human spirit, and how one can turn a negative into a positive. We as a society are having to figure out how to advance quickly and flexibly, and many changes that could have taken months or years are now occurring practically overnight.
Remember that your kids take their cues from you. If you are obsessively worried about what is going on right now, your kids will likely have anxiety about it too. Managing how you express own fears and concerns apart from them is important as security is a primary need for children. Take breaks and allow yourself to feel, but then come back to your children prepared to reassure them.
How do we stay calm with the ever-changing schedules, having to stay at home, and other uncertainty taking place for the next few weeks or more?
Take it one day at a time. Remain connected with your loved ones and try to stick to a few trusted news sources like the CDC. Honestly, please don’t worry if you aren’t calm, too. It is easy to place pressure on oneself to be the ideal parent/employee/homeschool teacher/romantic partner, and it is natural to have fears, anger, and sadness during this time.
Our feelings are important information for us, and it is important not to try to erase or ignore our feelings. This doesn’t mean that we should give in to all of the urges that our feelings suggest though — when we are feeling overwhelmed, we might want nothing more than to simply stay in bed all day, however, we know logically that this won’t help. It is better to make some emotional space to acknowledge your feelings and allow them to be present. It can be helpful to share honestly with a few trusted family members and friends as more often than not, you are not alone in your feelings and will emerge feeling validated and even more emotionally connected.
Ways to Help Our Children Cope With Massive Change
How do we help out children of various ages cope with being home, away from school, their friends, after-school sports and other activities, learning about social distancing, and seeing their schedules and lives upended?
Remember that your kids take their cues from you. If you are obsessively worried about what is going on right now, your kids will likely have anxiety about it too. Managing how you express your own fears and concerns apart from them is important because security is a primary need for children. Take breaks and allow yourself to feel, but then come back to your children prepared to reassure them.
Also, remember that your children may be frightened or confused by the speed at which our community guidelines are changing. It is okay to talk with them about what you know, just try to keep your language appropriate for your children’s age group. Very young children do not need to know all the details of this pandemic, but can understand that we are all trying as a community to keep others from getting sick, and the best way to do that right now is to stay home and limit contact with others outside of the family.
It’s not that we have to be anything other than who we really are with our kids, but we do need to remember that they’re watching us and they’re looking to see if we’re able to stay healthy and calm during this time.
What could a conversation look like with our children?
I think it can be good to just start by asking them what they’ve heard, and what they know, and how they’re feeling about things, and what they’re worried about. Because sometimes kids have heard something that’s actually not accurate, so at least we can start there and start to walk back. ‘Yes, this is a really scary situation. Adults are worried about this too, but here’s what we’re doing to keep everybody safe.’
Walk them through the scenario, ‘Obviously, we’re not having playdates right now. We’re social distancing and this is why we’re doing that.’ I think for kids of any age what’s really important to keep in mind is that they’re going to watch their parents to see how they’re reacting.
What else is important for parents to understand about all of this?
It’s not that we have to be anything other than who we really are with our kids, but we do need to remember that they’re watching us and they’re looking to see if we’re able to stay healthy and calm during this time. We need to be really showing that we can also take care of ourselves, and we can continue to eat healthy foods and try to move during the day even if we’re stuck inside.
I have noticed that everybody is dealing with this health crisis in his or her own way and interpreting the restrictions through an individual lens.
Everybody has their own way of digesting the news. Some people say though my place of business is open, I’m not going to work, and other people are looking for more hours. It is interesting to me psychologically how we all find coping mechanisms.
Kids do, also. I think that’s a really important thing to think about right now. If you have a family of six, you have six different ways of coping with stress, so communication is so important right now. Most kids need structure. Even if they don’t think that they need structure, it is really helpful for them to have even some semblance of a schedule — or family rules — and it can be beneficial to come up with that conversation together.
Please give us some additional advice for families.
Parents should explain that “as a family, we have these restrictions right now. We can’t do some of the things that we used to be able to do.” I think it’s really important to remind our kids that this is temporary. We don’t know how long it will last, but it’s not going to be like this forever. We need to explain what is important to us as a family at this time.
It’s going to differ for every person — some kids are going to be very worried about germs while other kids are going to be very lonely because they’re not having contact with their friends. That’s where I think it’s really important to listen to their concerns and understand that their concerns might be different from yours. So a key is figuring out, as a parent, how can I meet them where they are and help them through this time?
Six Top Tips from Dr. Dragonette To Help Us During the Coronavirus:
o Keep routines as normal as possible with your kids — albeit without external activities — and encourage your family to stay well by getting enough sleep and eating well, along with the hygiene guidelines provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
o Utilize mindfulness or meditation to take a break and allow yourself to breathe. Remind yourself that you will get through this.
o Get outside if possible and take a walk, a run, or do something physical while getting fresh air and clearing your mind.
o We are, no doubt, navigating unchartered waters, but our mental health and wellness are critical to enduring difficult times.
o Remember that we as a global community are going through a trauma, and everyone will have different reactions to this. For individuals who have previously experienced a trauma, whether, in early childhood or later in life, this may bring up old wounds and fears.
o If you or someone you love is having a particularly difficult time right now, having thoughts about not wanting to be alive, or experiencing intense depression or anxiety, please do seek professional guidance. Many therapists are still working right now, and have shifted over to telehealth and video visits so as to allow for social distancing. Therapy over video can be amazingly effective and can help to distinguish normal fears related to the crisis from mental health issues that may be more concerning.
Is there anything that you want to add to this discussion?
I guess the only thing I would add, just as I was thinking about this conversation today; there’s a term in the recovery circles, it’s called HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
What does that entail?
Checking in with yourself — Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired? Because it’s often one of those things. I think particularly right now what we’re all going through is that a lot of people are lonely. A lot of people might be tired because we’re not sleeping well and we are worrying about the coronavirus. We might even be experiencing some anger because of lost revenue or challenges within our family or having to suddenly spend a lot more time with our family members.
I think if we can continually check in with ourselves, and figure out — am I actually reacting to this person in anger or is this more circumstantial? My best advice is to try to be gentler with ourselves and with our family members, and to remember that we’re all going through a really stressful time and we are going through this together.
